The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Today is but another day, another night, another tomorrow gone by. How long has it been? Do I even remember what the sun looks like anymore? I have been sitting here, in this dark room, for so long now. My heart aches for something, anything, other than these four walls. As I reach up and brush my hand across my cheek, I find that even my tears have grown cold. I stare for hours at that same ceiling. Nothing has changed. The world is dark to me.



Yesterday. Which yesterday was it? Seems like ages ago. I was smiling that day. Or was I? Hmmm. I do remember that you were there, taking up a small corner in my heart. The thought of you warmed me, made me whole. It is not there anymore. That space is empty now. Am I better off for it? We shall see.



Tomorrow I will wake, but another day passing. One more moment lost to me. One more memory of a nothingness gone by. Am I just wasting time here, waiting for the end result? Each day that passes is slower and slower. They blend together. They become one long day. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will wake up, and remember who I once was, so long ago. Tomorrow will be better. All things change, as will I, tomorrow.

What do the voices in your head say?



Do not stay in one place too long. Your life is like fire. It is burning wherever you go. Do not get burned. Run from it. Live like that.



But is that living? How is it that you manage to burn every bridge you cross? I think you just choose to be alone. You choose to have no one in your life. Fear drives you. You are afraid that if you get too close to anyone, you would loose them.



And you will. All things change in time. What was once new becomes old. Even you become old. You can feel yourself decaying under your skin. Each day you find more and more grey hair. It is getting thinner. It is receding.



Soon you will die. You will no longer breathe, no longer have an opinion, no longer talk. You are insignificant. If tomorrow came today, it would be as if no one knew you, and you would not be missed. Inconsequential.



So live life like you are on fire. Do not stop, drop, and roll. Run. It is much more fun to watch you decay that way. Destroying yourself is easier than me destroying you. And more entertaining. (evil laugh, dark grin)

Artist: Freedy Johnston Lyrics

Song: This Perfect World Lyrics



You oughta see your face

You oughta hear your voice

Last time I was here

I wouldn't turn around

You oughta lock that door

Somebody might get in

Didn't I teach you that



This perfect world

So blue I can't begin to say

This perfect world

I know I never should have gone away

But I still deserve to say goodbye

No matter what I've done



I see her in your face

Hear her in your voice

Last time I was here

They found her in the lake

You oughta see my scar

You think I'm made of stone

Didn't you tell me that



This perfect world

So blue I can't begin to say

This perfect world

They say that soon I will be gone away

But I still deserve to say goodbye

No matter what I've done



Now I've gone around it's far too late

And these pills won't even let me cry

No one knows you even when you're gone

But I still deserve to say goodbye

No matter what I've done

No matter what I've done



You oughta see your face

You oughta hear your voice

Lock this after me

I have enough of these in my profile. But, this one really struck me. I was reading it and had an "Oh, wow. That is so true" moment. Lol.




You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.



Image Copyright Sheila Wolk (prints available
through treefreegreetings.com) - words added by
myself.



*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

That. Right there. That is what it was. It was your laughter. I didn't realize it until now. I cannot believe how much I have missed it. It was gone for so long. I haven't heard it in years. Thank you. You don't know how much hearing your laughter made me jump inside. It was that same old feeling. As if I could fly. And, suddenly, it is years ago, and none of the bad things in our lives have happened, and we are young, and we are free. I am alive again. You are my friend. We don't hate each other. You don't hate me.



Thank you. Thank you for letting me hear you laugh. It helped me more than you know. It gave me hope.

to exist

to breathe

to wake up knowing

today is another day

this is your life

this is point A

you are here



to dream

to remember

the last time you said hello

and the first time you said goodbye

that is not your life

open your eyes

you are here



to die

to fade away

to set yourself free

to fly among the stars and smile

to leave your life

to see everything

you are there

What the hell is your problem?



Why are you playing these games? What, did you not think I would figure it out? Did it ever cross your mind that I knew it was you all along? No, of course not. You are so vain. You sit there, in your perfect little world, thinking you are the greatest thing ever created. You are nothing. You mean nothing to me.



And you think you are so smart. Think about it. You were beat at your own game. Now you wonder. Now you hate. Now you seek revenge. How does it feel? Do you like that feeling, the pain deep down in your soul? Not being able to sleep, not being able to dream, and when you do dream, you see the puzzle pieces of your perfect world not fitting together. Nothing fits anymore. You live life in a cloud. Can you trust anything, when everything you believed in became nothing more than a lie? All you want is for the end. You ache for it, you crave it, you need it. Nothing matters anymore.



How does it feel? And the one thing that could make sense of it, could explain it, is completely gone, and will NEVER return to you now. Maybe it is the fact that you cannot face it. You lack the balls. You are afraid of confrontation. Instead, you sneak, you play games, you try to do little tricks that you feel will make it all better.



Does it make it all better? You tell me.

How can you cast a stone

Into someone else's pond

And not expect it to ripple?



Every action, every little thing you do, has a consequence. It causes a ripple in your pond. And sometimes it causes ripples in other people's ponds. Before you know it, there are thousands of ripples, thrashing the once calm waters, causing waves, drowning you.



And, suddenly, the waters stop, and you lay there, face down in a calm pool. You do not breathe anymore, and you do not throw any more stones.

I saw you today. It made my heart skip. Just for a moment. It was like standing in an ocean, the calm waters tickling my feet. Suddenly, a wave came along and threw me up against the rocks. I did nothing. I just turned around and walked away. Am I over you? I would hope so. But, probably not. In time, I will be.



You cannot just forget a love that deep over night. Wouldn't it be a perfect world if you could? But, then, maybe I don't want to forget you, the essence of you. I am over you. But, I still cherish the memories. Strange thing is, when I remember, you are not there. I am sitting there, by myself, the quiet music playing in the background. I reach over, grab a cigarette, and light it. I smoke it slowly, taking in the air, the atmosphere. I remember so much. But I do not remember you.



I remember my heart, how I felt, how I was so nervous that I couldn't even light my cigarette correctly. A hand came over and lit my cigarette. I remember how I sat there, playing with my cell phone, watching the people around me. I said nothing. I just sat there. I would look up from time to time and smile, but mostly just sat there. I know you were there, I could feel your presence.



But I do not remember your face. I do not remember your eyes. I do not remember your smile, the way you danced, none of it. I remember being there, but not with you. You are almost gone, almost nothing more than a dream, a hint of something lost a long time ago. Soon, in time, even the essence of you will be gone. But, I will not forget where I have been, just that I was there with you.



And, tomorrow, I will wake, and even more of your memory will disappear into nothingness. I am replacing you with memories of myself. I do not need you to breathe. I do not need you to smile. I am still here, but you will never be. I will still remember where I have been, always. But I will forget all of you, and, in my mind, it will be as if you never existed.

I call them brief moments of insanity. Those are the moments when I want to pick up that phone, to call you, just to hear your voice. I miss you so much that it aches. When I close my eyes, I still see your face, smiling back at me.



I wish I knew how to erase your memory. Believe me, I have tried. And I am getting better at it. I don't look for you anymore. When I was at that bus stop, leaving town, I looked for you. I did not want to go. Even sitting on that bus, as it drove out of town, I thought of you. I even thought I saw you once, on the highway, talking on your cell phone and driving away. It was a passing moment.



And I have almost sent you several letters. I have them piled up in a box. I won't send them. I can't send them. I haven't even written one in a week. And I won't write another. The "I Love You's", the "I Miss You's", they were just a passing moment.



And I don't dream of you anymore. I try not to dream at all. Dreaming is for fools. I cannot be your fool any more. I told you when we were together, that I would wake up in the morning and find that you were nothing more than a dream, that none of it actually happened. Our time together was nothing more than a passing moment.



And I will cry. And I will hurt. And I will suffer. But, when the sun comes up, and I am finally over you, I will look back on all that I have learned. And I will see my time with you as nothing more than a dream. In my life, you were but a passing moment.

All day I have procrastinated, wondered what to write today. I even toyed with the idea of not writing anything, skipping the day. But, I made a promise to myself, when I started, to write at least one paragraph each day. I think it helps, when I look back, to see my transformation, how far I have come and how far I still have to go. People close to me know the whole story, can understand exactly what I say in my journals. Those not close to me probably think that they are just random thoughts, and hopefully some of those thoughts offer a point to ponder, something to think about.



To my dear friends, thank you. For letting me vent, for a shoulder to cry on, for advice, even if it seemed like I did not listen, I did. I may not have followed that advice, but I did listen. And I appreciated it. h Thank you.



To everyone else, thank you for reading my journals. I hope you have gotten something from them. If not, don't give up yet. I will continue to write. We shall see where it will all go.



I am on a journey to where I want to be. (Just haven't figured out the end result as of yet, but will, in time.)