The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

So today was apparently the unofficial 'placidchaos fixes cars at No Frills day'. I stopped to get some cheese (which I just now realized I left in the damn car) and as I was walking to the building I noticed a lady having some trouble with her car. So I stopped to help her but found that there wasn't really anything I could do without tools and time to check a couple different things, my best guess is that it was either her distributor, her fuel injectors, or her fuel pump because her car was doing everything but firing when she tried to start it. Then another lady who saw me helping that woman asked my help because her car was having trouble and it ended up her battery cable was just loose and I tightened it. Then as I was about to go inside an older guy asked me how much I charge and I explained to him that I'm just a diy person, after that he told me that he thought his battery was dead so I gave him a jump. Problem solved. During this all I had about 3 other people ask me how much I charge and I had to explain to them that I am, at best, a shade tree mechanic but even that's pushin' it a little. Too bad my brother wasn't there, he's actually a mechanic.

There I am dinkin' around on the net when I notice an ad for a dating site. It has a picture of a guy and a girl lying next to each other in the grass and smiling for the camera. If you look at it though you can see a hand print bruise on the girl's arm. Doesn't that just make you want to rush and join them?

It's strange, I've never really been someone you would want to test the limits of but lately something's shifted. I seem to have lost some inner restraint (or restraints) and I don't know why or how. Take earlier today for example: As I was driving down one of the roads near home someone going the opposite way decided to pull into my lane to go around the parked cars on their side of the road instead of waiting for me to pass. Normally I would have continued forward at a slower pace and ready to stop if they were too stupid to move, today I not only didn't slow down but I spead up. The moment they pulled out it felt like somebody flipped a switch in me and I swear I felt the change vibrate through my entire body. It felt so good and I don't know how to describe it, I even laughed as they floored it onto the shoulder on my side of the road to get out of the way. That's just one of several similar incidents recently. Something's changed and I don't know why.

COMMENTS

-

---

Lolita
05:53 Nov 29 2009

Good for you Placid.... Don't go soft though, I wouldn't like to see you get taken advantage of by the carnivores on VR.

---

placidchaos
03:30 Nov 30 2009

Heh, Nobody takes advantage of me unless I let them and then I'm doing it for my own reasons but then I guess it isn't really the same as them taking advantage of me. Is it?

---

POST COMMENT

Thanksgiving at my dad's was nowhere near as bad as I thought it might turn out. We didn't have a single conflict, a miracle if ever there was one. heh They weren't smoking near as much as they used to AND they learned to open windows. I was impressed. So I got to spend some pleasant time with family, enjoy some great food, and have some fun. All in all I'd say not bad. Plus it turns out that it doesn't take anywhere near as much gas to get there and back as I was led to believe. My aunt told me it takes her $60 round trip and my cars gas mileage isn't as good as hers so logically it should take me between $70-80 for my gas. She's so full of it, it took me a little less than $40 for a round trip. Needless to say that made me happy and avoided me taking a hit to my pride since I didn't need to accept my father's offer to pay for my gas.

This may or may not be a long entry, I guess I'll know when I'm finished.



I find myself pulling away from people yet again. One of my coworkers keeps trying to get me to go out for drinks with everyone after work on the last day of our week. At first I considered it but I decided against it. I know they're trying to be nice and make me a part of the group but I can already tell it won't work. There seems to be something about me that makes people open up to me, even when they don't know me well enough that they should about certain things. On the bright side this does spare me some drama, like now. From various things they've said I can tell that it wouldn't be wise for to try and be more than a work acquaintence with them. It frustrated me when I realized this, it probably sounds pathetic but part of me was starting to hope that maybe I could actually make a friend or two there. I haven't had a real friend, except over the internet, in years. I feel so lonely and that makes me want to shut people out even more, if I can't find a connection with them I don't want them there as a reminder of what I don't have. It's ridiculous.



On top of that, lately I've been cracking worse than usual and have a harder time just going about my day than usual. When I wake up in the morning it isn't an exaggeration for me to say it takes every ounce of will I have just to get up and shut off the alarm and from there it's so hard for me to do anything but crawl back into bed that it scares me. I literally have to force each step that takes me through my morning routine, if I lose focus for even a moment I just stop until I can muster up the will to make myself continue. Then as I go through my day I can barely restrain myself. Like when the tape jams in the machine at work, I calmly raise it up and fix it but in my head I'm thrashing it to pieces and it takes everything I've got to keep myself from doing that. I can even feel the struggle in my arms as I'm messing with it to fix it. Sometimes when things like this happen I find myself starting to act upon the violent desire that springs up, it only ever lasts about a second before I manage to control myself but that second feels like an eternity as I struggle to reign myself in. I feel like my mind is cracking and I'm losing control. The bad thing is that I'm just so tired of keeping control all the time, holding myself back sucks and it would really just feel so very good to let go at least once but I know that if I did once I probably wouldn't be able to restrain myself again afterward.



Tomorrow I'm going over to my father's for Thanksgiving with him and my brother. I hadn't realized before now just how much I want to see them even though I know it's going to make me miserable. I love my father but he and I just don't get along, I don't have any good feelings for his girlfriend to boot. Plus the two of them were really heavy smokers that don't open windows the last I knew and my brother who was still smoking the last I knew will be there, I can't stand cigarette smoke and most especially not a lot in a closed room. Yet I'm still going and still looking forward to it. *sigh* We'll see how it goes.



Ok, so it turned out to be a little long. Oh well.

Today was bad. This woman who works with me was pushing my buttons so bad, she wasn't trying to piss me off but she was succeeding brilliantly. There were a number of things she kept doing that really get to me. Some of them I've talked with her about previously and she just doesn't seem to get it, actually it seems more like she doesn't give a shit. It was all I could do to keep myself from attacking her today. I haven't been that close to losing control in a long while, even when I was working with the hated bitch in Huron. To top it off I kept 'blanking out' and I don't know if it was related or just a coincidence. I call it blanking out and not blacking out because I've blacked out before and this is different, I used to experience it all the time but it's been a while. It's like my conscious mind stops functioning but while it isn't my subconscious takes over or something because I continue to do whatever I was doing at that moment, it's odd be putting the first box on a pallet and then suddenly you're putting the eighth one on or to be getting ready to walk to the store and then find yourself in the kitchen holding the groceries. When this used to happen more often they tested me to make sure I wasn't having siezures and I wasn't thankfully, unfortunately with that ruled out the doctors aren't sure what it is.

COMMENTS

-

---

Lolita
04:27 Nov 24 2009

I think she wants to do naughty things with you in the back office...

---

placidchaos
15:38 Nov 25 2009

Hell no, ain't happenin'. lol

---

POST COMMENT

What a boring weekend. I didn't really do much. I went to Barnes&Noble and bought the next in line for me to read in the Rachel Morgan series and I've decided I'm going to buy one new book every weekend. I also had a $25 scratch off ticket and winning money is always a good thing, it may only be a $22 profit but a profit is a profit. I used that ticket to buy another one and got $4 off it. Could be worse.

Me:*walks up to check out lane* Hey, how's it goin'?



Clerk: I'm fine and... *looks up* Wow your eyes are blue.



I get this reaction at times. I remember after meeting one of Tina's friends I asked Tina what her friend thought of me and apparently the only comment she'd made was, "Damn his eyes are so blue." I've had a few different variations of that, it amuses me a little and doesn't hurt my ego any either.

COMMENTS

-

---

Lolita
04:05 Nov 18 2009

Blue eyes are so striking.. I always wanted blue eyes.

---

POST COMMENT

Today was simply an amazing day... Not. It started out ok but then after a couple hours it nosedived. I ran over my big toe with a pallet jack. It. Freaking. Hurt. I've had more weight than that thing on it before and it didn't hurt this bad. I was only able to shut out some of the pain. It bruised immediately and started swelling. I reported it but decided to try to work through the day, after the third time of having to loosen my laces to ease the pressure I decided I needed to do something. I went to the workman's comp doctor again. Thankfully it wasn't broken, still never broke a bone! They did have to let the blood drain out, the swelling and pain lessened a lot just with that. It still hurts, it's still swollen, and I'm going to lose the nail but I'll survive. Right now I'm going to go take some ibuprofen and relax.

Last night I got to bed a little after 10 and I didn't fall asleep until sometime around 11. Then of course I woke up a couple times between then and 4:20 when I got up. The day started out alright, I woke up easily and feeling refreshed. My car started without trouble, there were a couple of candy asses on the road on my way to work but that was the worst of it. Then the day at work went fairly quickly and everything was ok, that is until one of my coworkers came up to me to tell me I had a flat tire... I just bought those tires on Thursday, imagine how happy that made me. I initially figured it was just a little too low and that it had probably been that way but I hadn't noticed. I get off work and go out to my car to find the rim on the ground... It was completely flat, one of the tires I just bought... Not. Cool. So I limped it across the road to the gas station and had to pay $1 just to air the damn thing up. At that point it was holding air good enough to drive on so I decided to go on to the inspection place to have my car checked so I could register it. I left toward it at about 3:05 and it's about 20 minutes from my work to there, I didn't get there til about 5 til 4. First I accidentally made a wrong turn which ended up taking me a scenic route (thank whoever that I always seem to know which way to go to get to where I'm going) and then I thought the street I need was south of Dodge so I found my way to the place I thought it was and it wasn't... Turns out the street I needed was one block north of Dodge. Yep. I get there to get my car inspected and it only takes a moment and then I get to go register it. It turns out I could have done this a while ago. They don't actually check anything on the car unless there's some obvious problem ,like a really bad crack in the windshield. In fact, I found out that unless they have a reason to check deeper, they only ever check the VIN and make sure it isn't a stolen vehicle... I was trying very hard not to seek the s.o.b. DMV clerk that I talked to before and bludgeon them the my fist. Yay the car was easy to register but I'm pissed that I waited all this time because I was trying to fix things that didn't need to be fixed to get this done. *big sigh* It's done now, my day is over, and I'm going to bed for the night. Hopefully there's enough air in my tire when I get up to get me to work. The tire place WILL replace that tire if I have to go down there wearing my boots and shove my foot up every ass I meet, this is not an idle statement from me either because I will get it done. Anyway, g'night.

*sigh* I just heard a techno remix of Poison by Alice Cooper done by Groove Coverage... It's ok, not anything great. This would have made a great remake as a dark wave/goth rock song by someone like Lacuna Coil or Collide would do a kick ass remake I bet. As a straight techno song though, it's just not for me.

So my plans for this weekend aren't much. I don't have any plans for tonight but tomorrow I'm planning to go check out a poetry slam, they only hold it every second Saturday of the month so if I like it I won't be able to go again for a month but I hear there are other places around town that have similar goings on more often.



On that note: I don't know how some people date a different person each week. I just don't get it. I can't even seem to get 1 date. I know that sounds pathetic but oh well. All the women I meet seem to either not be my type, aren't interested in me, or are already in a relationship. Why is it so hard to find a single girl that is at least somewhat of a match for me to take on a date?

More and more lately I've been wanting a ferret.

COMMENTS

-

---

Lolita
02:53 Nov 11 2009

Ferret's scare the fu** out of me... lol dye it's tail pink..

---

Bijou
03:42 Nov 11 2009

i had two they were the coolest pets i ever owned. I named them codo and podo. Ferrets make awesome pets. Codo would sit and watch tv with me, he also knew how to drink from a soda can.

---

chrysanthemia
15:54 Nov 11 2009

They stink. They're super cute and fun. But no matter how clean you keep them, they ALWAYS smell like pee.

---

POST COMMENT

I had a really odd dream last night. It was a sex dream but it was played out like a sex scene from some chic flick. It wasn't all sex either, there was an actual date in the dream to begin with that led up to that. The part that really seemed strange to me was the girl involved, she's a real person (strange on it's own since the women in these dreams of mine are usually not even real) and she's not even 18 (she's not a child but under 18 is off limits to me). I don't really know her, she's related to someone I know and I've talked to her before but not much. I just can't figure out why it would be her in the dream. It's just weird.

Lady behind me in line: God DAMN IT!



Me: *Snaps fingers* It is damned! Now what am I damning?



Lady behind me in line: I said God damn it.



Me: Uh huh, and so I damned it.



Lady behind me in line: *stares at me stupidly for a moment* Oh. *sighs* God damn it.



Me: *snaps fingers* It is damned!



Lady behind me in line: *huffs, shuts mouth, rolls eyes, and walks away*



Yeah, I know but I love screwing with people.

COMMENTS

-

---

chrysanthemia
03:03 Nov 10 2009

That, is hilaroius. i love it.

---

POST COMMENT

As I lay there I wonder, can it really be that simple? Only time will tell.

Aunt: Wow, maybe it's just me but you look like you're really swollen around here. *gestures to area around eyes*



Me: *chuckles* I wouldn't worry about it.



Aunt: I don't know, it looks a little bad and it looks dark here. *gestures to area under eyes*



Me: *chuckles again* Seriously, I wouldn't worry about it. I know what it is.



Aunt: What?



Me: *chuckles yet again and shakes head* I'm an insomniac, that's one of the side effects. Yep, sleep deprivation or not getting enough good sleep'll do that to you. It is what it is.

I was just thinking about something and I've decided to journal my thought train:



I am naturally left handed, meaning the right hemisphere of my brain is the naturally dominant side and that goes a long way to explain my really good spatial ability as well as my photographic (if not great) memory. This would also explain why I have more control over the left side of my body, such as the ability to wiggle my left ear by itself but not the right one. It also explains why the left side of my body has been injured more than the right. However, as far as everyday use goes, I am right handed. This is a learned condition for me, it started when I was young (not by my choice, it was a teacher's doing) and I was ambidextrous for a time but I slowly lost that. This leaves me wondering some things about the way my brain works. Since my right hemisphere is the naturally dominant side, how does me being conditioned to be right handed affect the the way my body and mind communicate? Do the hemispheres of my brain compete for dominance? Does that have anything to do with my mental disorders? Can it even affect them or is it totally unrelated? I've noticed that I lead with my left side even though my right ends up doing almost all the work, what does that mean exactly? Is my body trying to revert back but unable do to the learned habit of being right handed? I wonder if I'll ever have the answers to my questions.

This is something I have said before and I'll say it again: The "dark" is no more or less capable of bad than the "light" is. It's all in how the person expresses it.

I keep typing in the wrong password when I log in. I had to change it the other day because somebody else logged into my account and so I keep trying to put in my old password, it's a little annoying. On that note, I think I'm going for a walk to enjoy this beautiful evening and relax.

I've been lonely lately but I haven't been able to meet anyone I really clicked with, so I said to hell with it and posted an ad on craigslist. Usually a pointless effort because it's rare to get a response from a real person who isn't a guy trying to talk you into letting screw you, 3 real women responded to my ad and they all actually seem interesting. Now I'm left trying to decide if I message all 3 back or just 1, I'd feel like I was playing them if I replied back to all of them but at the same time I'm not sure it would be a cool thing to ignore 2 people who put themselves out there and responded.

COMMENTS

-

---

Lolita
23:56 Nov 06 2009

I would replay back to all of them. Even if you end up going on a date with each of them that is all it is dating. To quote The Fons... 'I'm not going steady with any of them'.

---

Lolita
23:57 Nov 06 2009

and replay should obviously say reply... I blame you and all your talk of being a player.

---

Lolita
04:08 Nov 18 2009

UPDATE PLEASE... what did you do Player.. I mean Placid.

---

POST COMMENT

Tomorrow's the end of my work week. I'm so tired of these hours, I hate going to bed this early so much. I think I'm going to request to change to the night shift which runs from 4:15 to 2:45. Those hours are more me, though before I do that I want to apply for the night audit position I saw a job posting for. I need to print my resume off somewhere to do that though.

COMMENTS

-

---

Lolita
06:08 Nov 05 2009

Ok here is what you do...



1- quit your job

2- move to Mexico and open a bar/strip club

3- change your name to Sanchez

---

placidchaos
23:37 Nov 05 2009

Heh It would be more my style to move to Chicago and open a hostess lounge.

---

Lolita
23:53 Nov 06 2009

Either way sounds likes a definite plan :D

---

POST COMMENT

So last night was my emy limit for a while. It happens. I've just been stressing out lately I guess and last night it reached the limit. Then my good friend offered me some words of wisdom and reminded me that they're there, after letting it all out and getting that reassurance from them I felt 100% better. This is definitely something to take to heart people, NEVER underestimate the amazing difference you can make for someone by simply letting them know you're there. If you're reading this, you know who you are, thank you.



On a different note. That damn physical therapist! Pshhh. [sarcasm/] That bastard had me doing those strengthening exercises to help my shoulder recover from the strain and he started something. My inner exercise fiend has been growling for more. It's not like I don't want to exercise, I do, but I don't really want to. Confused? Let me break it down: I do want to exercise, I enjoy it but I'm having trouble giving up my relaxation time in favor of more physical exertion. I've come to a partial compromise for the time being, I'm going some stretches and simple exercises at work when I have time. It doesn't feel like enough, my body wants more (no I'm not joking, the s.o.b. wants more on top of the physical labor I do at work...sheesh!) but we'll have to wait and see how it goes. I actually feel the urge to do push ups right now but I'm not going to since I need to get in the shower and then get to bed.

I've been thinking, that's what I do more than anything else so I guess that isn't anything new. I've been reflecting on myself and some of the various aspects of me and my life. I want to be happy, I know that's an obvious statment but you have to get where I'm coming from to get it. I struggle so hard with it. I hate almost everything, this world, this life, and so much more. I can't really connect with people, even people who mean so much to me. Nothing. There are people who I would say I love but if they were to die tomorrow I don't honestly think I would feel any different than I do right now, I always used to chalk that up to my unusual acceptance of death but I'm beginning to think it's because I don't connect with them. I pull away from everything and everyone, I try to hide inside myself. The only difference between me and those people in psych wards that sit there and stare into space all day is that I have enough force of will to make myself stay in reality just enough to function. I don't really want to, it's such a struggle and everything would be much easier and feel so much better if I just let go but I can't. I'm never completely in touch with reality though. That's part of why I can do mindless repetative jobs so well, I'm not really doing them so much as wandering off in my mind and setting myself on autopilot while I'm away. I feel violently angry all the time and manically sadistic at the same time. It's like a 3 way tug of war between explosive me, psychopath me, and the neutral ground I try so hard to stand on. Some days it's easier than others but this is another one of those things that I want so much to let go of, I'm tired of the struggle. To the end of trying to be happy I bury myself in entertainment: books, movies, shows, and most of all music. They are the anchors that hold me in this world, once in a while I find myself in a relationship and I grasp on to that like it's my only lifeline because the feeling at those times helps ease the burden of my struggle just a little. I really am tired of struggling. When I get to the point where these things aren't working well I start getting 'the itch'. This is what I call the feeling to find a new job, a new place, or just something else to help. I bury myself in my entertainment so much more during these times, I don't sleep as much because of this and also because I'm afraid that I will go to sleep and not be able to climb back outside of myself. Each day I continue my struggle because there's always that chance that tomorrow will be better and if I don't get through today I won't be able to see if that will come to pass. It's taking less time for me to feel the itch each time I scratch it, tomorrow is holding less hope each day. I know I need help but I just can't afford it, sometimes I think my mother and I did the wrong thing when we didn't let the psychiatrist send me to a psych hospital as a teenager. What am I saying? No think to it, it was the wrong thing but we just didn't see it. I'm just so tired, I want to give up so badly. Why can't I give up? Don't I deserve to stop struggling? I feel so consumed by it all, I just want it to stop.