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Today was ok but I wasn't all that ok today. Not that there was a real problem but I was a little messed up. It was one of those days when I had no control over my ADHD, they happen from time to time. On those days I can appear to be... How shall I put it?... Fucking insane might work. I can't stand still for even the slightest moment and am constantly in motion, I bounce from one subject to the other with such speed and frequency that nobody can follow, I think out loud and therefore talk to myself a lot more than usual because it's the only way I can sort through my thoughts at all, and I tend to talk to fast for the average person to understand me. That and I tend to play the air guitar a lot more... No clue on that one. It wouldn't be so bad but it's usually to whatever music is in my head and if there's music actually playing they often aren't the same. I'm sure I drive people nuts when I'm like that.

I read an entry in Birra's journal and I was going to comment but my thoughts were stirred up too much, I ended up with something better suited as an entry in my own journal.



Sexuality has gotten so confused and messed up in modern society, at least here in the U.S. In many cultures throughout history sexuality has been a major feature. It was regarded as natural and something to be enjoyed. Now it seems that a stigma has been attached to it, it's like we're conditioned to be ashamed of it and this especially goes for women. While I'm not suggesting that we start having public orgies, I do think we need to get beyond this as a society. I see a lot of repression as a result of it, the more bizarre a person's sexual preferences are the more they have to hide it and that's hiding a part of who they are. A lot of things seem to get condemned as 'wrong' or 'perverse' but the very people making these claims are often into those things themselves and are ashamed of it, the shame turns into hate and discrimination.



Another thing people get bent out of shape on is exposing those who are underage to sexuality. "They're not old enough to make that decision for themselves." "They aren't able to fully understand the decision." "They don't have any real clue about the consequences of their actions." Well who's fault is that? They aren't being raised so that they can be mature enough to understand that kind of thing. Yet they're making those decisions anyway. They learn about it and they understand it but because the parents aren't doing their job right they're not mature enough to handle it. People seem to be so afraid of exposing children to it that they over protect them and in the end are doing more harm than good, especially since they are getting the exposure anyway.



I grew up in an environment where sexuality was accepted with a somewhat carefree attitude. Not that any adult went out of their way to expose us to it but they didn't hide it either. So when I came to Pop and asked him what a blow job was he explained it to me. We were also taught the importance of making those kinds of decisions and how to make them. Of course that all changed when my mother became super religious but that's a different story.



I had more on my mind about this but I seem to have run out of mental gas.

I took a short nap earlier and I had a dream that I was being raped by 4 women... I think that qualifies as the strangest dream I've ever had.

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birra
06:20 May 30 2010

I don't know if "strangest" is the adjective I would have used...

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placidchaos
18:49 May 30 2010

It was the best one I could come up with, what would you use?

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I've applied to a university for the fall and so far as I can tell it's going to happen this time! I've taken care of everything except applying for financial aid and I'm working on that. I'm going to major in Liberal Arts. I'm looking for an apartment right now, I actually found one in town that's half decent and is only $275 a month. Hopefully it will still be available come July when I'm ready to move.



I got myself a nasty burn the other day. I was cooking some food for my mother in an electric oven. She has her racks in backwards so they fall out if you pull them out too far and it sucks, so I didn't pull the rack out while I was flipping the food and touched my hand to the coil on the top by accident. It's healing pretty quick thankfully.



I've written more on my novel, I'm currently up to 13 pages. Hey, for me that's a pretty big deal, normally I get to anywhere from 2-4 pages and I get blocked or decide to change the whole thing. So far so good! ;)



These past 2 days have seen me feeling pretty good. I call this mood, "I'm the fucking king of the fucking world!" It's one of those moods where there's nothing I can't accomplish, nothing can stop me, and no woman can resist me. Ha ha At least that's how it feels and I DO have more success with women when I'm in this kind of mood.



Well, that's all I've got for the moment. I'll pop back on on Friday and maybe update some more.

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BelovedxTwilight
19:39 May 26 2010

Well, *cheers* to your good mood and let's hope it stays that way! :)

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I've been looking for a car for a little bit now and I browse CL because once in a while you can find something worth while there. There are a lot of people trying to sell their cars for 3X their worth though, so I posted in the Rants & Raves section and was replied to.

Here it is:



I'm tired of this and I'm sure other people shoppihng around for cars on CL are too. You go in and look at an ad and some douche is asking $1,500 for a car that isn't worth more than $500. Come on people, be realistic. Do some research before you post so you're not asking for above the value of the car. If you're car is from the early 90s or older you're not going to get very much for it unless it's a classic. To my fellow car shoppers, go to Kelley Blue book and look up the value of a car before you contact the seller, they have a website where you can look this stuff up for free. www.kbb.com I can't tell you how many times I've looked up a car from an ad here on their website and found it was being advertised for WAY more than it's worth.



The reply:



What the hell? You don't know the value of the car your'e looking for?? Me thinks your'e one of those douche bags who calls up a car for sale and tell the poor slob "Hey, I know your asking $2500 , but I'll only give you $235.79 and you should be grateful for that."





Is this person an idiot or what?

I requested an application for SIRHA (Southern Iowa Regional Housing Authority) assistance the other day, it arrived yesterday and I've spent the last little bit filling it out. It's mostly done but I have to figure out the name and address of my employer, there are 2 different things I could put down for that but I'm not sure which one I'm supposed to put down. I'm hoping to finish filling it out this afternoon after work and get it sent in a.s.a.p. Applying for SIRHA assistance isn't high on my list of things I want to do but it's something I should do, I'm not sure if I should stop trying to find a room mate or not since I'm applying for this though. *sigh*

You know, I don't own a lot of clothes. Unfortunately this means I sometimes have to wear a shirt twice before I can do laundry, it's more common with my pants since I really don't have enough of those. It's annoying and it sucks, I try to get more when I reasonably can but usually by the time I do something I've had for a while needs tossed. It makes it hard to build my wardrobe like that. I think if I don't have a chance before then, I'm going to take my tax return from next year to get several things.

I am officially no longer a Jehova's Witness... Me leaving 5 years ago apparently didn't count... o_O

Tonight wasn't bad, I was a little cranky at first. I got stuck on drive thru and dishes again, I HATE that position (mostly because I hate wearing the headset), but after a while Teressa did something to make me smile and that ended my bad mood. After I wasn't grumpy anymore the rest of the evening went ok. After work I walked home, it was a good walk... A VERY good walk, I'm not going to say more about that in here though. Now I'm home and I'm chillin' and cookin'. I'm making some awesome grilled cheese sandwhiches with American, Mozzerella, and Swiss... Mmm, delicious. All thing considered, a very good day and I'm happy and content.

My mother likes to watch the court tv shows. The one judge can sometimes be a perv and she's constantly complaining about it. For cryin' out loud, it's on tv so it's not like it has to be tolerated, just change the damn channel and stop complaining!

Today I spoke with the boss lady, I told her that I understand there probably aren't any positions open but I would like to be trained for supervisor/management. Her response was, "We can't do that." What's that sound? Oh, that' just my bullshit detector going off, ignore it. I explained that I'm not expecting a promotion or raise, I just want to get a jumpstart on the training so that down the road if a position opens up I will be ready. It's a case of them not wanting to take the time to train me for something I probably won't be needed for, which is stupid. I do know that there will be a position opening for it, the question is when. The one supervisor is opening his own landscaping business and is already talking about quitting to focus on that. Oh well. If they don't think I'm worth the effort than I have no reason to consider them worth the effort.

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SinginGhost88
01:34 May 18 2010

That's the way i'd look at it. But my work did the same thing, and then later fired me because they suck balls.. soooo.... *hugs* you deserve better.

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Tonight at work sucked a bit. The one position I hate more than any other there is drive thru and tonight was the 3rd day they had me on it... This does not make me a happy camper. Apparently I'm really good at it... *sigh* This sucks. I'm refusing to do it again before thursday though.

I'm just in a bad mood, on edge. Every little thing annoys me right now for some reason, it's been that way all night. It's stressin' me out.

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SinginGhost88
21:24 May 16 2010

yea.. idiots in my life are pissing me off today when usually, I have a bit more patience....

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I checked my email and found one with this subject:



We've got bras you'll love to wear!



...



Yes, because I'm so secretly a crossdresser that even I didn't know I was.

I just got up about an hour ago but I am not doing well so far today. My knee is a little swollen and for some reason my ankles are stiff. I haven't done anything unusual so I don't know why. This started last night actually. When I got home from work I sat down and checked my email, then I got up to get a drink from the fridge and had trouble. My leg didn't want to extend properly and when I extended it anyway it felt like there was pressure in my knee, like it was swollen but there was no swelling at that point. Then a little bit later I walked up to the grocery store and for some reason my achilles tendons were tight and it hurt to stretch them out. I don't know for sure what caused it, the only thing I can figure is that it's from doing dishes yesterday becaue I had to stand still a lot instead of walking around. I don't know.

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SinginGhost88
18:31 May 14 2010

A co worker's Daughter had the same issues, air bubbles and such in the tendons or something. She had to have surgery. Perhaps go to a specialist?

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After I got to work today the boss lady tells me she has the new schedule up and hands me a copy and says, "I have you scheduled everyday next week, is that ok?" I told her that's the way I like it! Well, right now I do, especially since I'm only part time. I don't particularly like doing that at full time hours but I wouldn't complain as long as it wasn't every week. Either way, I have more hours!

I'm working on more of my novel. It's strange, the more I just write the easier it seems to be to continue this story. It's almost as if I've already written it and am just making a copy, it's a nice change of pace.

*sigh* Wow. Don't go into yahoo chat, just don't. I went in there for one of the Iowa chat rooms and it hurt my brain. There was some guy in there that thought faerie, fairy, and faire were all the same. Faerie and fairy, yes and no, but faire is a COMPLETELY different thing. When people tried to explain it the person was too dumb to understand.

I went for a walk at about 1:30 and got back at 2, I cranked my tunes and just enjoyed a nice cool evening. I Want Nothing by Kerli is an AWESOME walking at night song. It was mostly great. I say mostly because there was one negative thing, I don't get it either. I sometimes have a problem when I walk and even when I'm driving, I think the best way to put it is aggressive paranoia. I get this feeling that somebody's following me and I start wiggin' out and looking over my shoulder a lot, sometimes it's worse than others. It's more common when I'm driving, if another car is behind me for more than a block I start getting uncomfortable and I can't go straight home at those times either. It's so annoying.

I just got an anonymous comments page. Check it out:



http://instantcommentbox.com/s/k1/4NQ

I play PWI a lot and I get a lot of random invites to squads and factions and such, it annoys me. I'll be going along with a quest and suddenly get the invite. I've only recently figured out the value of squads, so once in a while I'll try to strike one up but I really hadn't understood the purpose of factions. Today a girl on PWI messaged me to ask if I wanted to join her faction before sending the invite, that's a major plus in my book right off the bat. So I asked her about it, now I'm in a faction. If any of those others had ever taken the time to talk to me before sending the invites I might have joined one of their factions but they didn't, it is s sign of respect to me that this person did.

Writing erotica is just something friends do for each other.



Ok, maybe not really...

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SinginGhost88
03:41 May 11 2010

My kinda friends ;)

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placidchaos
03:48 May 11 2010

lol, Only you.

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Music is an addiction that I can't and never want to break.

I'm currently seeking out new music. I searched a song I like called Captain Morgan's Revenge by Alestorm on youtube and then started checking out other songs it linked to, you can find some great music that way.

I'd really love to go down on someone right now, I actually really love eating a woman out. Mostly it's because I just like giving pleasure, it's fun and it makes me feel good. I dont' really get much physical satisfaction from sex or anything related, at least I never have, outside of masturbation but I do get a good deal of psychological satisfaction. Oral sex and making out have so far proven to be what I enjoy the most but I do still 'need' actual sex too. Right now though, all I want is plant my face between a nice pair of legs and enjoy.

You know, I really don't like being single. I like having someone to share affection with and all of that. I miss feeling a smile creep onto my face just thinking about that certain someone. Even a long distance relationship is better than being single, sure it sucks to not see each other in person and the lack of physical affection and intamcy aren't that great but it's someone. You know?

I spen most of the day playing PWI, it was a nice and relaxing day off for the most part. I found out that one of the bosses there is apparently impressed by me and wants to have me scheduled more, that makes me happy. I don't work until 5 p.m. tomorrow and I'm closing, so I've pretty much got the whole day tomorrow to do whatever. I REALLY need to take some time to finish filling out my college app. so I can turn it in this week. I'm currently looking for a room mate, I've accepted the fact that it will be necessary. I don't have much else to say right now so... Peace out.

I don't have too many pet peeves but I do have some. Two of them pretty high up on my list are people who ask me to do something and then try to interfere without me asking for help and people who invade my space. My mother just managed to do both in one shot, that really pisses me off. I don't have much in the way of my own space here, just a futon and the few inches between it an my computer. Which means having it invaded makes me extra cranky. Sometimes I really fucking hate people.

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SinginGhost88
00:13 May 09 2010

Trust me I understand. My bed is no longer just my bed anympore. I caome home sometimes and Janet and Sean are sleeping in it. And with Gina here soon, she'd sleep in it. I get cranky too :P

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placidchaos
06:27 May 09 2010

*sigh* If I ever win the lottery I'm going to buy a HUGE house so that you, me, and one other person I have in mind can live there and not have to worry about anything.

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It's about time for me to go to bed, it's one of those nights that going to sleep just doesn't sound all that appealing though.



I was watching a show earlier and one of the characters had bipolar and was snapping/flipping out because of it. I have my bipolar pretty well under control on my own but watching that bugged me a bit. I'm always wondering if/when I will eventually lose control and snap like that, start flipping out and going psycho. There's no guarantee that I will but it is a possiblity, especially since I haven't had treatment for it in about 5-6 years. On the other hand, I don't honestly want to be treated. I HATE the meds that they put me on, they make me feel like I'm not me, and I'm always afraid that the doctor will insist I go on disability or worse, I don't want that. I feel stupid for being afraid to go to the psychiatrist, especially since I know my problems are interfering with my life. *sigh* Damn it all.

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MyArmyLife
23:15 May 08 2010

I feel ya, man.

I DID flip out like that. It landed me in the hospital and on some heavy shit.

I hate taking them too but I force myself because I don't want to go back to the hospital.

The talking and meds do help, even though it makes you feel different.

Because of what we have, we're a danger to ourselves and others.

We can't be US.... We can't be OURSELVES.... Because if we do, we may end up hurting someone.

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placidchaos
06:34 May 09 2010

So far I'm keeping it under wraps pretty good without the meds and what not but I know it's always a risk that I'll slip. I know I should do something but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. It's one of those things that I'm working on. Plus, there's part of me that tries to rationalize that there's no guarantee I'll lose control and giving myself up because of something that there's no proof will happen isn't worth it. Bah.

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I was debating taking my business to one of the local banks here, not because I want to stop using my bank but becuase it would be a lot easier and more convenient to have a branch in my area. That will never happen after today, their customer service sucks.

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SinginGhost88
22:53 May 07 2010

Janet's bank eats up all her money with fees. She had to call them the other day to get her money back because she didn't realise this, and ocne her payccheck went in for the week, she only had 5 bucks left. Fucking stupid banks!

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placidchaos
07:16 May 08 2010

That's freakin' ridiculous! They don't offer free checking or anything like that? Either way, I'd be shovin' my foot so far up some banker's ass they'd need an archeologist to get it out.

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Do you know what the worst part of having a messed up knee is to me? It's not the constant pain, I can ignore that for the most part. It's not the occasional stumble when it decides to give out on me, it's nothing big. The worst part for me is the aches I get from time to time. I know what you're thinking, isn't pain worse than ache? Usually you'd probably be right. I'm 22 years old and I have a weatherwise ache, I should not have that at this age. That's not the only thing about it though, I get other aches and I can tell them apart. I can't ignore or shut out the aches like I can the pain, which means I actually have to deal with them and they make me cranky. It sucks.

Now for you poeple out there! Start with 100% and subtract 1% for everything that you've done. Then repost as your __% Virgin.



1. Smoked x

2. Drank alcohol x

3. Cried when someone died.

4. Been drunk

5. Had sex. x

6. Been to a concert. x

7. Given/recieved a handjob. x

8. Given/recieved a blowjob. x

9. Been verbally harassed x

10. Verbally harassed somebody x



total: 92%



11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up. x

12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose x

13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.

14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend. x

15. Been to prom.

16. Cried at school

17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store

18. Went streaking x (I was playing truth or dare with a bunch of perverts)

19. Given or receieved a lap dance x

20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room. x



total: 86%



21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over. x

22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house. x

23. Kissed a stranger x

24. Hugged a stranger x

25. Went scuba diving

26. Driven a car. x

27. Gotten an x-ray. x

28. Hit by a car.x

29. Had a party.

30. Done serious drugs



total: 79%



31. Played strip anything x

32. Got paid to strip for someone.

33. Ran away from home. x

34. Broken/Sprained a bone. x

35. Eaten sushi

36. Bought porn. x

37. Watched porn. x

38. Made porn. x

39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex.

40. Been in love. x



Total: 72%



41. Frenched kissed. x

42. Laughed so hard you cried. x

43. Cried yourself to sleep. x

44. Laughed yourself to sleep x

45. Shot a gun x

47. Stabbed yourself.x

46. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day

48. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours x

49. Been online for 9 consecutive hours. x

50. Watched an animal die



total: 64%



51. Watched a person die. x

52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present. x

53. Pranked somebody. x

54. Put somebody in the hospital x

55. Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out. x

56. Kissed somebody of the same sex. x (Don't play truty or dare with perverted girls)

57. Dressed preppy. x

58. Dressed goth. x

59. Dressed punk. x

60. Been to a motocross race.



total: 55%



61. Avoided somebody. x

62. Been stalked. x (Crazy ex)

63. Stalked someone x (It wasn't done for the purpose of stalking them but it was still technically stalking.)

64. Met a celebrity.

65. Played an instrument. x

66. Ridden a horse x

67. Cut yourself. x

68. Bungee jumped.

69. Ding dong ditched somebody. x

70. Been to a wild party.



total: 48%



71. Got caught stealing something.

72. Kicked a guy in the balls. x

73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend x (I didn't know she broke up with him because she liked me until long after we broke up)

74. Went out with your friend's crush. x (I didn't know until after)

75. Got arrested.

76. Been pregnant. x (Ok, so I wasn't but an ex was at one point)

77. Babysat. x

78. Been to another country. x (Technically I was over the border)

79. Started your house on fire. x

80. Had an encounter with a ghost. x



total: 40%



81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.

82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by. x

83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex. x

84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months. x

85. Sat on your butt all day. x

86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.

87. Had a job. x

88. Gotten cut from a sports team.

89. Been called a whore. x

90. Danced like a whore.



total: 34%



91. Been mistaken for a celebrity

92. Been in a car accident. x

93. Been told you have beautiful eyes x

94. Been told you have beautiful hair. x

95. Raped somebody.

96. Danced in the rain. x (By myself while out for a walk)

97. Been rejected. x

98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying x

99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face. x

100. Been raped. x (Ok, not really but technically. I told her no but I don't have the will to resist if the person does things right)



total: 26%

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FiliaOfAbyssus
02:48 May 06 2010

16%



Is it bad that it was easier to count the ones I hadn't done instead of the ones I have...??

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When I get bored sometimes I bop around craigslist and the classifieds on VF. At the top of the page on VF it shows other people in the classifieds with you, it never ceases to amaze me how many taken or underage women I find in there. However, I haven't figured out yet if it's only people in the same area of the classifieds as you or people in the every section. So it might be nothing at all..

I had a journal entry here a moment ago, I felt like putting it in here when I typed it but afterward I read it over and decided I don't. I don't know why I changed my mind, I just suddenly felt like I didn't want to share that bit in my journal.

Ok, so I lied in the last journal entry, I'm not done talking about that.



Recently I started to get involved with a girl that was already in a relationship with someone else. It started as a tiny crush but then they reciprocated and, me being me, it snowballed a bit. It didn't last long and then they back off, which is really for the best. When that happened I was, and still am, a little disappointed, she was an interesting and attractive girl and right up my alley. I'm also relieved a little. That wasn't a situation I really wanted to be involved in and I know me well enough to know that I didn't feel any more for her than a crush. Of course, crushes can develop into more but this one hadn't and that made the situation even worse (a relationship should not get ruined over a crush). That's not the only reason I was relieved though. There is another girl that I'm interested in and have been for a while now, for various reasons I haven't really said anything though. Oddly enough, being interested in a woman that I'm not with only makes me more prone to having crushes on other girls. I think it's because wanting someone and not having them only makes loneliness more pronounced. Well, I'm done rambling about this for real this time.

I should be going to bed but I'm having trouble not playing PWI.

I'm feeling a little emo-ish at the moment, and I'm thinking. You know, I hold back a lot on almost everything in my life. It's not intentional for the most part, it's mostly instinctive. Half the time I don't really know how to not hold back. Sometimes it's intentional though. For example, when I'm into someone I fall fast. I do my best not to get too emotionally invested too quickly but I can only do so much, my emotions just take off usually. At the same time though, the more I like someone the easier it is for me not to show it overtly. I've also noticed that I have a tendency to avoid doing or saying certain things to someone I'm interested so that they don't know I am, or to say it in such a joking manner that they won't pick up on it or at least be unsure. It's annoying as hell. Anyway, I'm done rambling about that for the moment.

It's been a long day. A couple of the Jehova's Witnesses from my mother's congregation, the one I was a part of back in the day, came to talk to me today. Basically they were trying to figure out if they needed to tell the other people in the congregation not to talk to me. Then I had to go to work. I decided to power walk the whole way, it wore me out a bit. Then work was something because Teressa was in a bad mood and she was a little stand-offish toward me, me being me I had to try to help but that just made her cranky specifically at me. It doesn't sound like much but since I'm tense and stressed out anyway it wasn't fun.

Well that pisses me off a bit, I think my PWI account was hacked. I was playing my archer when suddenly I got booted, when I tried to log back in it told me that the account was currently logged in! I managed to get back in with the help of Support and changed my password. Ugh, I hate it when that kind of crap happens.

I feel like I'm going insane. I'm so bored with life right now. Etc... I'm just generally in a negative mood at the moment and wishing I could escape from my life.

My mother just decided to ask me a question regarding my religious beliefs, it seems like a simple enough question and she said she only wanted yes or no. However, if you know my mother you know it's never that simple. If I answer than she'll have another question and in the end it will lead to an argument and further tension between us. I'm so not in the mood to get into that today.

I find it odd that someone as indecisive as me can be so headstrong and impulsive. I have a helluva time just deciding what I want for dinner but I can completely relocate with little or no planning. Not to mention that once I start going a certain direction I go full on, I can be a force to be reckoned with at those times. I think this has a lot to do with the way I am in matters of the heart. When I'm into someone I fall fast, though they may never even know I like them like that. It might be a little bit of a good things that I became so repressed during my later teen years, if not I might be the guy who meets some girl at the grocery store and is married to her in Vegas by the next morning. Plus I'm a bit of a wild child at heart, it just doesn't show much in my daily life.



On a completely unrelated note: My keyboard is sitting on my lap and the monitor is just an arm's length away, yet I feel like I'm super far away from both. Even though the keyboard is in my lap and my arms are sitting comfortably relaxed while I'm typing I feel as though I'm having to stretch way out to type. It's just weird. What's up with that?

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SinginGhost88
06:33 May 01 2010

You're so out of touch sometimes. It's nice, but.. not good if prolonged. You know that :P

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You know something, I have a habit of going for women that are unavailable to me in one way or another. Whether it be that they're emotionally unavailable, the distance between us isn't feasibly crossable, they're taken, or etc... What's the deal here? A psych would probably tell me that subconsciously I'm doing it on purpose or something like that. *sigh*