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Getting over the depression hasn't done a thing for the antisocial feeling.

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samanthasprettycorpse
04:57 Jul 01 2008

It's one or the other or both. It never gets better.

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Interesting, I just came across a thread I thought I had closed a little while back but it was open and on the front page of the forum.

I did something today and thinking about it I have to say duh, I should have done it sooner. I went to the store to buy peanut butter and jelly. While I was at it I got ham, turkey, and corn chips. I can't afford to spend as much money out of my paychecks on food as I did the last one so I'm going to start eating more food like that and limiting myself to more reasonable portions, I'll save money and hopefully lose more weight that way.

Speaking of losing weight, I was happy the other day. I looked in the mirror after getting out of the shower and noticed that I'm visibly slimmer. I should have noticed sooner since I had to take my belt back a notch but that didn't occur to me until then.

I was going over my finances today and I came upon something that is completely outrageous. I spent almost $170 on food in two weeks!.....

Sorry, had to stop choking... That's inexcuseable if you consider that I've been known to live off of one third of that or less for two weeks, I remember eating for two weeks on $30. It didn't seem like I'd spent that much on food but it never seems like you're spending as much as you are. With this in mind, I took a look at myself and at some of the recent past. I have something to say to me:



Aww, poe baby. Has the world been hard on you? Did it give you a boo-boo? Boo-fucking-hoo. Get over it. 21 years you've been dealing with this crap, not 9 months but 21 years. If you aren't used to it by now than I have to ask, what the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you remember? You had this shit down once, you had adapted and overcome it. Aren't you the one who brags about having worked multiple jobs while managing to get straight As? That is something to be proud of but look at you now! What happened? Did things get worse or harder? I think not. You got a bit of a release from that burden, you got a small taste of what it would have been like to have been able to be your age and it got the best of you. So what if your father used you, is that any different than what your mother did? No. It's all the same but you forgot what to do, you forgot how to be what you should have been. Now, huh, look what's become of you. Yes you're managing now but that's not enough. You're in a position to excel and that's exactly what you should do! Yes you should still go check on that still but you shouldn't depend on it, I still think you can do this without that and you should try.

I got all of my work done AND... I remembered to change the day on the board!

I'm so bored... Time to go watch Love Hina!

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MBK
07:02 Jun 28 2008

Lucky. I love the manga. Can't find the anime though D=

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I can't wait to pick up my flash drive so that I can back up the necessary files and then... Wipe the hardrive! My comp's starting fresh so that I can undo all the crap the person who had it before me did to it... FINALLY! I've had this thing about 2 years now (I was thinking 3 but after thinking about it I realized I bought it in 2006, it is 3 or more years old though) and it's only been going downhill bit by bit (pun intended). Now I can fix it.

Starting this coming week I'll be on night shift all the time. YES! It's better pay and with this job I can manage to get more done during the day.

To be completely honest I know EXACTLY what's been making me so depressed, I was trying to tell myself that wasn't it but it was. I think that if I'm going to continue being honest with myself I have to admit that I was letting it. No more, there's no point and it's not fair to me or Tina. I am simply finished being sad or depressed for now.

It's really starting to make me feel like a hole in the wall and that annoys me more than anything right now.

I got really emo/depressed or whatever you want to call it and vented a bunch of it into my journal. It triggered me to write some of the best lyrics I have yet and that started me getting better bit by bit for the rest of the night. Today I'm feeling almost 100% better but it remains to be seen how long it will last. My prevailing mood today has been boredom, so I went around assassinating people in Oblivion. Now I'm at work for the rest of the night. When I get off of work I have to keep myself awake long enough to get to the bank to withdraw money for rent and my electric bill (it's not due 'til the 15th but why not?) and then I can do laundry... AGAIN! I think we should all just be nudists, it would save a lot of money. I think I'll head straight to Tina's after work so I can spend a few minutes with her at least, she'll be working all day again tomorrow and the day after.

Once I get off work I'm going to go home, change, and then see if Tina's up by chance. I really hope she is so that I can steal a few kisses from her.

Ok people let's get something straight. JUST SAY IT! Don't him-haw, b.s., and take your sweet time about it! Say what it is that you want to say and get it over with! I'm tired of people taking five minutes to say something that should take two seconds! Save your garrulity for your story telling.

Have you ever wanted to look at someone, bop them on the head and say "Hello?" I mean, c'mon, am I non-existant?

I need a hobby, something to occupy my mind better and something fairly inexpensive. I'm not into and don't have the patience for models, my patience for jewelry making is limited.... *sighs*

I wish I understood. She wants to spend more time with me and yet she's content with what we get. When I told her it's not enough for me she smiled at me and said "You're just a little needy for attention there aren't you?" Being needy has never been a good thing as far as I've understood and since I'm just a little insecure these days I apologized, she giggled and said "Don't worry about it, it's endearing." I'm sure part of my problem is how depressed I've been. You have to admit that there's a problem when a guy who is typically unable to cry is on the verge of tears as often as I am. I just know that when she leaves I feel so lonely that it hurts. *sighs* Fuck...

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samanthasprettycorpse
05:25 Jun 27 2008

She doesn;t take you seriously does she? You need to TELL her exactly what you want...what you need.

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placidchaos
03:31 Jun 28 2008

She does but I'm her first boyfriend and she just doesn't know how to react a lot of the time, she's used to being completely alone and adjusting has been a little difficult for her.

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Damn it. I had something, it was good, but it's gone now. I hate being around people.

I feel a little sorry for the people in banquets, there's only two of them here and they've got a million things to do.

I'm in a very disconnected/leave me alone mood. I wish I could just sit at home reading and listening to music. Music is like the last rope tethering me to sanity, that and Tina.



I came up with an idea to keep myself from forgetting to exercise each day, it's worked for the last few so far. I do 10 push ups and 15 sit ups after each time I eat and also right before I go to work. I'll keep this routine until I get back into shape enough to do more.

Last year I decided to cut myself, it was out of boredom and curiosity. In truth I enjoyed it, it felt good and I continued to do it for a while. I've been having a really strong urge to do it lately, I haven't been because Tina would probably freak and I don't know.

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samanthasprettycorpse
05:27 Jun 27 2008

I'd say DON't, but it helped me too for a while. It would be selfish to say that you should stop or it would hurt people, but from what i've read there are no PEOPLE. I hope things get better. I do hope you do not get into cutting for the thrill or to take the pain away. THERE IS SEx, it does the same thing.

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I recorded myself reading one of my poems and listened to it, it's a good thing I did. I sounded horrible, my voice was just.... Ugh. It was enough to make me actually start taking the meds the doctor has me on for my sinuses, I'm convinced that's the problem

I have decided if I didn't have a girlfriend that I would so have a crush on Joli. Her reading of Conveyances is beautiful and it gave me an idea.



I'm going to do a reading of a different poem and upload it (my computer willing) each month, I think maybe I'm going to put this right into my profile.

Oho, I'm pissed, I'm pissed, I'm sooo fucking pissed. Lie about me again bitch and you'd better hope that we NEVER fucking meet.

I hate when people get pissed off at me for doing my job.



It really annoys me when people ask for something special and when I tell them that I can't do that they say "So and so does it for me." Do I look like I'M that person? NO!



It pisses me off when people try to order me around like a slave. Just because it's my job to help you doesn't mean you have to be like that. It won't kill you to be respectful but I'd sure like to when you're not.



PEOPLE! When you make reservations with a hotel, GET YOUR CONFIRMATION NUMBER! If we don't have your reservation in the computer and you don't have that, I don't give a shit if you're god, we can't do anything more than make you a new reservation IF we have the room.

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samanthasprettycorpse
05:29 Jun 27 2008

So tthat's what you do. I see we are both in customer service and we both hate it.

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I was reminiscing a bit this afternoon. I remember being so flexible at one time that I actually locked my hands together behind my back and rotated them over my head until they were straight out in front of me. This ability was ruined by all the sprains I've had, I suppose that's what I get for playing street ball with my friends. Understand that when I say street ball it was more like team brawling while attempting to play basket ball. We only had one set in stone rule and that was "If you leave the court and you're not injured than you weren't playing." It was fun as hell. I remember my friend James stealing the ball from me once and so I picked him up and threw him, he dropped the ball in air so I grabbed it to take a shot. Right as I was about to shoot my friend Josh socked me in the gut and then kneed me as I doubled over, he then made off with the ball. We left with sprains, breaks (one kid had his nose broken once), and just about any kind of injur you can think of. That was our idea of fun, I'd still call it fun today.

I spoke to Tina this afternoon, she strongly advised me to speak to somebody about disability.



"With this kind of thing that you really shouldn't test your limits."



*chuckles* Oh how well she knows me, she's right. I really shouldn't. So, on my next week day off I'm going to go talk to somebody to see what I need to do. *sighs*

Time for bed. I would stay up longer but I have to be up in time to go to the bank, buy food, and eat before Tina comes over. She threatened to hurt me if I hadn't eaten lunch when she got here and her threats of violence are not to be taken lightly. Don't get me wrong, she's not abusive or anything.

I fucking LOVE these kinds of storms! Do you know what it's like to feel so alive that it seems as though your body is too small to contain you? THAT'S how I feel from this! I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that the a killer storm was goin' on when I was born? I don't know but the power of storms certainly seems to augment my own energy.

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MBK
08:23 Jun 25 2008

Haha, there was too much lightning and not enough rain. ;P

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placidchaos
08:36 Jun 25 2008

You must not have gone out in it man! I just got back from walking in it shortly before I posted this and the roads were rivers while I was headed to Kum&Go. I wasn't but two steps beyond the front steps and I was soaked. It did let up while I was in KG though, that was unfortunate. I guess we definitely could've used more rain though.

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MBK
09:04 Jun 25 2008

If I could have I definitely would have.



Hell ... Now I want to go to Kum and Go lol. -.- Friggen nachos ...

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Wilder
12:58 Jun 25 2008

i love storms too

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I've started back on an exercise routine, I still need to work on doing it everyday but I get distracted easily. The great thing about some of the exervises I do is that they can be done in public without people noticing, aka they can be done at work. The ones that I can do at work are only minor toning and tightening exercises but they are effective. I figure that there are other people on VR that exercise so I think I'll share some. I'll leave out the obvious like sit ups.



I picked up these three at basic training.



Extend both arms straight out to the sides and ball your fists. Rotate to the front in small circles for 10 seconds, now do bigger circles for another 20 seconds. Go back to small circles and reverse for 10 seconds, do large circles the same way for 20 seconds. Repeat as many times as you feel like it or can. This will help tone your shoulder muscles.



UNTIL YOU GET USED TO PUSH UPS YOU SHOULD NOT DO THIS ONE! Get into a push up position with your hands just beyond shoulder width apart. Do 5 push ups and on your way down for 6 stop half-way. In this position do short down-up motions for 30 seconds, continue performing these motions while working your way to a full up position. Do the same thing but instead of working your way up you'll work your way down. Repeat. This will work your triceps, pecs, and the muscles on the back of your shoulders (I forget what they're called, I want to say deltoids but I don't think that's right). Ladies, there is a possibility that this will slightly reduce your bust.



UNTIL YOU GET USED TO SIT UPS YOU SHOULD NOT DO THIS ONE! This next one's a variation off of sit ups. Get into the sit up postion. Start by doing a full sit up but on your way back down stop half way and hold for 10 seconds. Let yourself all the way back down. Do another full sit up and all the way back down. On your next up, stop half way up and hold for 10 seconds. Let yourself back down and repeat.



Next I'll list some simple toning exercises that can be done inconspicuously.



Interlock your fingers and grip your hands. Hold them in front of you and push them against each other 5 seconds at a time, do this as many times as you like. You can hold your hands straight out, down, up, or whatever. No matter where you hold them this will work your pecs and biceps but each position has its own merits since each will work them differently. Ladies, this is another one of those possible bust busters.



If you have a sitting job this one is great at work. While sitting down, lift 1 leg off of the chair slightly and extend your lower leg then lower it. Do this as many times as you like with each leg. This is really good if you have some sort of weight to use. This will mostly work your quads.



As absurd as it may sound, jiggling your leg is really good for working your calf muscles.



This is all I will put in here for now.

*sighs* Damn, I need SOMEthing.

*sighs* I fucking hate having a messed up knee. I just lost my damn balance while pulling my food out of the oven and it fell on the floor, of course. *sighs* I should make a run to the bank and get some money out so that I can eat but I only have about $10 left. So unless I buy something that I need to store in my refrigerator that doesn't work, I'm going to have to go hungry one of the days this week and I suppose that might just as well be today. I guess this is my fault, just one more reason why I should have had the surgery done when I could have gotten it for free. Fuck I'm pissed!

I'm just a little bummed, I went over to Tina's thinking I would FIANLLY get to spend more than 1 minute with her but upon arrival I find out that she's going to hang out with a friend... *sighs* She promised that she would come over later. I can't really begrudge her hangin' out with a friend, she doesn't have too many and they hardly ever see each other. *sighs* It's just really starting to bug me that I barely get any time with her. If things don't change after I start working 3rd shift all the time I'm going to try to get her to move in with me. I'm simply not satisfied with how much I see her, I would hope she isn't either.

Ugh, I think it's time for me to get off VR. My eyes are starting to hurt from the reading. I'm surprised my comp. has let me be on this long.

Me: Does it bother you that I "know" things?



Ex: Yeah, just a little.



Me: Really? Why is that?



Ex: It's fuckin' creepy.



Me: I can see weird or uncomfortable, but creepy?



Ex: Yeah, creepy. Think about. How would you like it if you were told things about your mind and emotions and you had no fucking idea?



Me: I guess I can see that.



Ex: I mean, it's not really bad but when I can't figure something out or am trying to keep it to myself you know. Everyone would say the same.

I just did some tweakage on my pro, it looks awesome. I didn't make any changes to the body of it but all the same I like the look, I also changed my quote but don't read it if you don't like swearing.

There is no one so lost as the person who looks into the shadows and denies the shadows within their own being. - Me

I feel like being a witty smart ass (what's new?) but I can't seem to come up with anything right this moment...

My apartment is ALMOST completely clean. I still have to do laundry (again, I swear it never ends), pots and pans, and some minor straightening and then I'm done! Yea-ya. I shouldn't let it get so far gone but I just haven't cared enough to truly do anything about it until today. I also need to sweep but I need to buy a broom and I need to vaccum but I don't have one, nor can I get one currently.



I'm going to chill now and finish the rest tomorrow. I'm just a tiny bit bummed, I was hoping to spend some time with Tina tonight but it ain't happenin'. Most days I only get to spend a few minutes with her at most and it sucks, I want more. I'm not going to think about that right now or I'll sink out of my good mood. I'll just get her up in the morning to spend some of the day with me. Well, good and yet brooding. I don't know how better to explain it.



I went and downloaded some music this afternoon, it makes a nice playlist for my mood.



Riot by Three Days Grace

I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace

Just Like You by Three Days Grace

I'm So Sick by Flyleaf

All Around Me by Flyleaf

Sorrow by Flyleaf

Breathe Today by Flyleaf

The Kill by 30 Seconds To Mars

Never Again by Kelly Clarkson

The Red by Chevelle

The Clincher by Chevelle

After just letting it out in my journal last night I feel better. I've been on several walks today even though it's killin' me, I've decided that I may only need new insoles for my shoes. I took the left one out for the first time the other day and it's so pathetic you wouldn't believe. Some bastard mosquito bit me on the crease of my pinky and on the web between thumb and index finger, so I finally broke down and bought bug repellant. I ordered the flash drive I need today, I'll be able to get it on Monday next week and then I'm going to fix my damn computer. With my computer fixed my internet should be more reliable and faster, I'm not using my high speed network ports because they don't currently work due to corrupt drivers. Ugh, time to turn on the air. I think I need to get some allergy medicine with this paycheck, going for that last walk made my eye watery and itchy. Oh lovely, I just pulled a gnat out of the corner or the watery itchy eye but I guess that means I don't need the allergy medicine. I'm feeling calmly energetic. I'm debating enjoying my bottle of rum tonight, when Tina gets off work I might see if she'll have a drink with me. Well, for now I think I'm going to go do some dishes.



Riot ~ Three Days Grace

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SinginGhost88
06:22 Jun 24 2008

LoL...poor baby, two mosquito bites...i have No sympathy. the worlds entire population attacked us this weekend. I have (on top of the ones i had from the first trip) an extra bunch ALL OVER me!!!!!! UGH!!!

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placidchaos
06:25 Jun 24 2008

lol, That's two in rather annoying spots on top of the other 23 that haven't gone away, plust the other 19 that have gone away.

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Damnl, it just keeps coming out looking wrong. What is it that I'm not doing right? *sighs* I'm taking a break for now.

I think I'm going to crank some music and do some drawing. For the first time in a long while, I've got my messenger on.

I've been trying to go to sleep for about three hours now and I just can't seem to. I feel tired but I just can't sleep. Effing insomnia.

For a lack of something better, I'm going to talk to my journal. I would talk to Tina but I haven't had the chance and I don't want to burden her when she's already stressed, I will talk to her once I've managed to get it properly straight in my head.



I am not shy about the fact that I have mental illnesses, they're merely a part of who I am. Sometimes I struggle with them and suffor more from them than others, more often than not I can deal well enough. Lately my bi-polar has become more troublesome and the resultant mood swings more severe. This has made my stress at having to deal with the public on a daily basis much worse, which is having a cycle affect because stress (physical, mental, and emotional) only makes bi-polar less manageable. There also seems to be something of an echo in my other problems. I have this deal where my mind more or less rejects reality and tries to create a fantasy because it can't quite cope with it, I don't remember what the psych called it, and even though I've learned to handle that it's getting a little worse lately. My ADHD has been in full bloom too. The only thing that seems to be untouched by all this is my OCD, go figure.

What that all comes down to is that it isn't reasonably logical for me to interact with the public on a daily basis in the way that I do, especially when I'm not receiving treatment. Sadly, that's not even quite all of it. I'm just about a walking arguement for why the field of psychology exists.



Times like this are why my psychiatrist wanted me to go on disability back when I was getting treatment. I refused and he didn't push it but continued to suggest it on a regular basis, I was certain that I could manage. When I have these particularly bad spells I question whether or not I truly can, obviously I am so far but what about down the road? How long will my sheer determination be able to overcome all this? It's already affected my ability to keep a job and I worry that it might again sometime. I'm reaching the point where I'm tired of struggling, I'm tired of having to do breathing exercises because somebody spent a few hundred dollars and they think that makes them King Shit of the turd pile, and I'm tired of wanting to give up. I feel like that last little thread tethering me to my sanity is stressed to the point of breaking, I don't know if it really is but I feel like it.



The time in between these bad spells has become less and less it seems, maybe they've just gotten longer, perhaps they're just worse, or even more troubling to me is the prospect that it's all of the above.



I just don't know what to do about it.

I just discovered something amazing!

I struggle with chronically dry skin, I say struggle because it will crack and bleed in some places if I'm not careful. In an attempt to help solve this problem, I got Axe Skin Contact shower gel. I have a couple of really bad trouble spots where my skin gets particularly dry and I decided to apply some of my shower gel directly to these spots while bathing one day. I noticed that when I do this the skin there is stronger, softer, and smoother to the point where it produces little or no friction when rubbed (if you're perverted like me than I know what your thinking but no). This gave me an idea.

I've realized that my main problem with shaving is that both my facial hair and the skin underneath it are dry and rough, so why not apply some of the shower gel directly to the trouble areas and see if it helps? I did just that, only, I forgot to rinse it off before I started shaving. It was amazing! There was almost no irritation, I got the closest shave I've had since I first started, and my skin there is baby soft! Go Axe!

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samanthasprettycorpse
05:47 Jun 23 2008

This is almost like a commercial or infomercial for the product.

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placidchaos
06:31 Jun 23 2008

Ha ha, I can see that. It's true though.

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*sighs* I really feel like I need to talk to someone but at the same time I don't want to. I think that I need to start seeing someone again but I can't afford to. I don't know. Maybe it's time that I finally admit defeat. I think, maybe I should talk to my mother. *sighs* I don't know.

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Joli
17:52 Jun 22 2008

Talk. All I can say is, talk. Find someone and say the things you must say.

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Sinora
18:06 Jun 22 2008

*Nods*

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I don't get it, why is this bothering me so much?

Time to start my night audit.

This is one of those times where it's in my best interests that I have a girl friend. It was hard to tell a hot older woman no when she wanted to go skinny dipping in the pool with me, ask any guy and they'll say the same. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm taken I'd have said screw the job and gone for it. How many times in your life do you get an invitation like that?



On a different but similar note, I need to have some fun and I have the next 4 days off. I think that I should go out one of them, maybe drink, shoot some pool, and just possibly raise some hell of my own. It's not great seeing so many other people just having fun and having none of your own. I also plan to spend as much of those 4 days with Tina as possible.

Honestly, I really don't mind drunk people. I'm well used to drunks, my favorite hang out when I was 15 was a bar. What I don't like is when they and others around them become rude, belligerent, and/or disrespectful. That's when I start having a problem. There are times, those are some of them, that I wish violence weren't so taboo.

I've always been one to try understanding things, it's just in my nature. I especially try to understand aspects of myself. For example, I tried and tried to figure out why my right calf muscle is huge and toned but my left is pathetic in comparison. I FINALLY just figured that out the other day. I have a habit of jiggling my leg when I'm sitting (stinkin' adhd) and I noticed that I only ever jiggle the right one. THAT'S why! Yes, I know I'm weird but oh well.



I actually had a point when I started writing this but I got distracted in helping a guest and forgot, dang it.

What is important to you? For most of us there are many things and they evolve and/or change from time to time. For me, the people I care about being happy has always been very important and I don't see that ever changing. Going out and being social usd to be very important to me but these days it's taken a backseat, from time to time it takes prominence but... Over the last year and a half I've developed a new one: being valued. In the past I never gave a crap about whether or not I was but that's not so anymore. I like to think that I matter in some way to others. One of my mottos used to be "I don't care if you're my friend or not, that's your choice but I'm your friend whether you like it or not and you don't have a choice in that." That is, in a sense, a sad philosophy.

MUST buy bug repellant on Monday!



I don't know what the deal is but I suddenly got attacked by a swarm of mosquitos on my way home from the grocery store. For every one I killed it seemed like there was two more. I managed to kill the majority of them before they had the chance to bite me but I still have at least 14 bug bites now. I swear, if it were within my power I would wipe them all from existence. I'm not joking when I say that I've been bit more times in the last week than I have in my whole life. I guess it's time I start wearing bug spray.

This guy moment brought to you by: no sex for 5 months.



The girl who's opening the restaurant this morning is cute as hell and damn hot too...



Damn I need to get laid.

Yay for the new avatar! It's another of my drawings, it's supposed to be a character from my story but I accidently drew it backwards...

If you can't manage yourself when your that drunk than you have no business getting that drunk. Jeez that guy was pissin' me off. It's not like I was telling them that they couldn't have their fun, I was simply telling them that they couldn't have it there. They've been warned and if I get any complaints and have to warn them again I'll tell them that it's the last warning before getting kicked out. I wish I could've just popped him one though!

How could I have let myself become so far gone? I once scored in the 99th percentile on an aptitude test on a national level, that means that there was only 1% of people at my grade in the whole nation that did as well as I. I've never scored below a 97 on those tests, I nearly had a perfect score on my ASVAB, and in 1999 I even received an award from the president for that kind of stuff. So how is it that I seem so intellectually short of that now? *sighs* Use it or lose it.

I've been trying to make sense of this dream all day. I'm curious as to its signifgance, I know there's something to it.

In my dream I'm looking in the mirror as I'm getting ready to brush my teeth. While I'm looking at myself I see a dark spot on one of my bottom front teeth and freak out thinking it's a cavity. I put my finger to it so I can feel it to make certain and suddenly more of the tooth crumbles and falls inside of it. At this point I'm looking at a perfectly round hole in my tooth that is deeper than the tooth is. I can see inside it and I know there's something there but I don't know what, it seems dim or dark in the hole and I see a little bit of movement. Right as I noticed the movement I woke up. Of all the strange, deranged, and just plain bizarre dreams I've had, this one takes the cake.

I find myself wondering, what happend to the me that had everything under control? What happened to the me who could ignore anything? What happened to the me that managed to work multiple jobs AND maintian straight As? What happened to the me that had countless friends? Slowly but surely I've gotten that me back, at least in part.



Looking back I know that, because of the person I am/was and who the people that were and have been around me are, the me I am today was the inevitable outcome.



I can see the chain of moments that led me to be the me that I am. Moments, not events, are what make the difference, events are merely caused by moments. I know exactly where things went wrong, what mistakes I made. I see what should have been done and, with this knowledge, I see what can be done so that things turn out better next time.

Sometimes it's hard not to be selfish.

I'm feeling bummed since being denied the evening I thought I was going to have. I'm starting to think that I want Tina to move in with me. *sighs* I'll get to spend a lot more time with her once I'm only doing nights. As of right now I'm just feeling too bummed for that future prospect to cheer me.

I'm so ready for the end of my shift, I'm hungry and I'm tired of dealing with all these idiots. I hadn't thought that I worked until 11 and I was looking forward to not having to deal with so many people, I was also looking forward to spending time with Tina but that was shot to heck when I found out that I was supposed to work at 3. *sighs* I can't wait until I get to switch to full time nights.

*shudders* I just put about $175 worth of footwear on lay-away. I couldn't help it though. I put them on and oh... my... fucking.... god! I swear that I almost creamed my jeans, it felt that good! Thankfully they dont' have a time limit on lay-aways so if I need to I can leave them there 'til December, I have no intention of doing that though.

After that I stopped by a local office supply store to see if they had any 2GB flash drives, they don't have any in stock but they can order one and have it there in a day. I'm thinking I might have to do it since they're on sale right now, one the size I need is $21 and that's a little under half of what it normally is and much less than they run at Best Buy or Wal-Mart.

What is the friggin' deal in this town? Neither of the grocery stores carry A&E products, I'm going to have to go to Wal-Mart it would seem. It wouldn't be a problem except that I've been craving chips with sour cream and chives dip, I won't buy land-o-lakes because I have a bad track record of having to sit on the toilet for 3 days after eating their dairy products and generic chip dip sucks.

One awesome thing about this town is that there are several places that carry 20oz Barq's, almost nowhere in the whole state of IA carried it in anything smaller than a 12 pack.



I'm in pretty high spirits today, I got motivated and did some cleaning and then went to run my errands. I had over half of what I needed to do today done by 11 and I don't have to be to work 'til the next 11. All that's left is a bit of straightening, cleaning out my fridge and freezer, and doing dishes. I might do the last two tomorrow since I don't work until 11 p.m. again.

I've decided I need at LEAST a 2GB flash drive to store all of the stuff off of my computer that I don't want to lose (music, word files, etc...) and that means I'll have to go shopping tomorrow, I'll check the local computer stores first and see how their prices are but if they aren't good enough I'll be hittin' Wally world. Hopefully I'll be able to fix my p.o.s. within the week.

Death to phones, they are driving me fucking insane!

... of the most amazing girlfriend! I found out from Tina last night that the balloons and Reeses weren't my birthday presents (I was pretty happy with those though) and that she forgot to give me my actual presents. I stopped over to her place a bit ago so that I could see her before I go to work (one kiss from her is enough for me to be able to deal with a million idiots, lol) and she gave them to me. She got me my three favorite books in a one book compilation AND a restore disk for my computer!! I've been wanting to get those books for FOREVER but the opportunity never presented itself and I've needed the restore disk for a couple of years, lol. My computer has been slowly getting worse and worse (which reminds me of something interesting: according to my computer it is no longer able to connect to the internet but I'm on it right now, lol) and the only way I can fix it is with the restore disk. Now I just need to figure out how to store all the stuff I don't want to lose and then I can fix my computer!

Two days ago one of the people on my favorite journals list posted a poem, I had started to read it that day and stopped and I've been avoiding reading it since. I went in and read all of it today. It reminds me of a pain that I won't speak of here, there's only one other person in this world that knows of it, I've never talked about it with anybody, and I don't think that they realize how much it hurt. To an extent, I don't even understand why it caused quite so much pain.

So... bored....

This is getting on my goddamn nerves! I don't mind doing my job but this is ridiculous. The phone keeps ringing every few minutes in spurts, for half an hour or so there will be nothing and then suddenly everytime I step away from it it rings! Grrah! I hate phones to begin with and having it ring like that is annoying.

The problem with working at a hotel when you've barely lived in the town is that people are constantly asking your opinions on things that you haven't been able to form opinions about due to a lack of experience with them.

I had a guy with a British accent check in just now, he was joking around and being a smart ass. I don't know why but when Brits do that it seems funnier than when anyone else does.

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STABB666
23:58 Jun 17 2008

Yes, it's the dry sense of humour.



John Cleese does it best:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7mIy97_rlo&feature=related

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MBK
21:52 Jun 18 2008

That sounds like someone I know who was here visiting a friend lol.

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I don't know, I have issues with firefox. Just like compaq computers, firefox does not like to work properly for me. I've never been a big fan anyway, the last time I tried to use it it didn't seem very user friendly but that was because the layout was so different from anything I am used to. 'Course, I don't like IE7 either.

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STABB666
23:04 Jun 17 2008

Go on, give it a try. It works really well...honestly, it's new and shiny. You can even use it alongside IE7, and log in to VR twice!



;)

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I had decided to do some writing but with the phone ringing so much there's no way.

Last night I walked up to Kum&Go to get a soda but when I got there it was closed, there was a sign on the door that said "Sorry for any inconvenience the store will be closed until 6 a.m. 6/17/08". I got to work today and heard from the maintence guy that they fired everyone last night... Dang, that's gotta suck if it's true.

Can't wait 'til I get off work. I've got a bottle of rum waiting for me, I need to buy some Coke. Unfortunately, there's also cleaning waiting for me. It's funny, before I start cleaning I hate it but once I get started and especially once I'm finished I love it...

I've decided that they must call it a connection "Wizard" for good reason. My computer is still determined to be connected to the internet even though it's impossible. You see, I removed my wireless adapter because the driver for it isn't working. Both the program necessary to read the driver and the driver itself have been corrupted. So even with it hooked up I can't get online and yet I am. I'd really REALLy like to figure out how it's doing it, there's a bundle that could be made off of self isping computers. I guess it's true when they say that if you own something long enough it will become like you.

Unlike planned, I work tonight from 3-11. Oh well, it's just as well. If I didn't work tonight I'd probably go crazy with boredom since Tina will be in Sioux Falls all day with her friend that she only gets to see once in a blue moon. I plan on getting drunk when I get home tonight. It's odd, I was at a point where I really didn't care if I did or not but suddenly at 2 a.m. last night I decided I wanted to and I don't know why... No, now that I think about it, I don't necessarily want to get drunk but I want to drink and if I get drunk then fine but the same goes for if not.

Rum good.

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Swanne
17:14 Jun 17 2008

LoL that's what I'm saying!

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Today was awesome. It started out a little annoying, one of my neighbors decided to just leave their clothes in the washer and dryer for hours and I need to do laundry but thankfully I have other places to do it. Normally I would have just piled the contents of both machines into the basket they had sitting down there but I really don't want any shit with my neighbors right now. Tina and I went out for dinner at the Tailgate (boo-ya! mozzerella sticks and cheddar crisps!) and she refused to let me pay (she decided I'm not allowed to pay for anything since it was for my birthday), after that we went for a walk and then to a movie (the second Hulk movie kicks ass even though the first wasn't that great). After the movie we went back to here place, she made me strawverry cheesecake! I hung out with her until 10:30 (technically 10:45 since I stood at the door making out with her for the next 15 or so minutes), I would have liked to just stay there but...



I really wish I could spend more time with her but I don't want her to feel crowded. As soon as I switch to overnights full time I'll have more time to spend with her since she only works until 2 p.m. except on the weekends.

It's interesting, my computer is NOT hooked up to the internet and yet I'm on it and online... How the hell does that work? I don't have a hardline and I unplugged my wireless adapter, there is no possible way for it to be hooked to the internet and yet... It doesn't even seem to realize it's online, according to my status shit it's offline. Hurray for being online by magic! (shakes head in confusion)

I am officially a 30 Seconds to Mars fan.



On a different note. Can anyone explain to me why state rate is 46.50 and federal rate is 70? That seems just a little backwards to me.

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Xzavier
05:34 Jun 16 2008

30 Seconds to Mars rocks! Which rate are you talking about? lol

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placidchaos
06:48 Jun 16 2008

D*** straight! The rates at the hotel I work at. $46.50 is what state employees get and $70 is what federal employees get.

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I always feel inadequate when it comes to expressing my personal experience of other's writing. For example, I just read a poem in Joli's journal and the best I can express it is that it's good but the actual experience goes far beyond that. I don't just read the poem, I feel it. Why can't I express that properly?

Tomorrow I'm going out with Tina to celebrate my birthday. I want to go out to dinner but I haven't decided what else and she refuses to make the decision. As far as dinner goes, I really want to go somewhere that has mozzerella sticks, I haven't had good ones in ages, but I don't know where in this town has them. I'm thinkin' maybe we might go to a movie. I'm not too concerned as long as I get to spend time with her. I do have some, ahem, less public ideas in mind...

The song that I'm currently addicted to: Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park. Ironic isn't it?

This is probably one of the most boring birthdays I've ever had and yet I'm supremely happy today...





"Equally Destructive" After Forever

I'm thinking about putting what I've got so far into my "Unfinished Stories" but I'm not sure and I can't seem to make up my mind.

I've decided that I'm an Evans Blue fan. Well, I think that I'm in the mood to do some writing. Perhaps I'll put my current attempt at putting the story in my mind onto pages into my journal.

I went straight to Tina's when I got off of work. She greeted me with a very enthusiastic happy birthday, a hug, and a kiss. Then she shows me what she got me for my birthday, Reeses Peanut butter cups (always a good choice with me, lol) and... BALLOONS! Nobody has got me balloons since I was eleven and I love balloons. Needless to say, I am thoroughly pleased with these gifts.

HURRAH! I've been 21 for just over half an hour!

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XxKatilynxX
01:43 Jun 16 2008

Happy Birthday. ;D

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placidchaos
01:45 Jun 16 2008

Thanks!

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1 hour and 35 minutes. It'll be exactly 21 years at 5:01 a.m.

Have you ever had something that seemed like it was inevitable? I suddenly realized tonight that I will eventually move to a bigger city, I even know which one. I've had it in mind for sometime now. I haven't quite figured out exactly why, I know why it originally came to mind but now I feel that there's more to it than that. It seems to be somewhat of a focal point for me, I'm drawn to it.

My coworker's friends have been up here, they are way too bored for their own good.

7 hours and 1 minute...

Today has not been a good day. I accidently overselpt my alarm and by the time I woke up the bank was closed, so I couldn't get any money out so that I could pay my rent and eat. The food in my fridge and freezer has gone bad because it isn't working properly, I was hungry enough to attempt to eat it anyway... Stupid me. Since I woke up with a headache, going hungry didn't do much for me. So I'm sitting here, hungry and with a headache, at work where there are currently a bunch of loud drunk people.

I'm feeling extremely emo. I don't know why. Suddenly lost pain and dull pain became sharp and new. It's as though my heart relived it all. All night, anytime I've witnessed something emotional I've had to choke my tears. *sighs*

1 day and 25 minutes

I just read a thread on the email fraud, it is a big trouble. I've been sent countless of those myself, it's usually the good Dr. sending them to me. I realized it was a scam right away but I've been sent others that it took me a few moments to catch on to. It was only through noticing a commonality between the emails from the women that supposedly like my profile and the others that I realized it as quickly as I did. In most of the emails they ask you to email to a specific address that doesn't match up with the one you're receiving from and if you try to email the original you get an auto response in a couple of days.

Fuckin' Pizza Hut. A few weeks ago I wrote a check there and found out the next day that the funds in my account were frozen. I was certain that it would bounce as a result but nothing ever showed up on my acct for that check until a few days ago and it cleared. I had contacted them a few times about it previous to that point because I wanted to make sure that there were no problems but nobody knew anything so I gave up. It turns out that they had tried to run the check while the account was held and, since a frozen acct is basically the same as insufficient funds, it was returned. This didn't show up on my records, they couldn't or wouldn't tell me anything, and nobody bothered to contact me about it. Naturally, I just assumed that it took a while to clear. Nope. So today I get told by my bank that they had to turn back a $30 debit to my acct and I freaked. I've had a little difficulty with identity theft in the past so I was a little worried. No, it was just stupid fuckin' pizza hut. I'm pissed, even though the bank turned back the charge, my acct went in the whole because the bank has a fee for such things. I'm just rambling about it for the most part right now because I'm pissed. I tried to contact them and got nowhere and now my accounts a little messed up. To add insult to it, the fuckin' store manager at this pizza hut lied to me. She told me I had to call some number because they didn't deal with any of that at the store level, as soon as a check is written it's out of there hands. Bull-fucking-shit. I called the number and the rep on the other end of the phone informs me that it's pizza hut's policy that these things be dealt with by the individual stores! I have been a good customer other than this one event and this pisses me off. Between this, the poor service, the staff's poor sanitary practices, and the sub-standard product that this particular pizza hut has been producing I've decided that they are in desperate need of better management and I will do what I can to acquire it.

I finally figured out why I wasn't getting a good enough wireless signal, it is me. The closer I am to my adapter, the worse the signal gets. If I leave the room I discovered that the signal strength will go to "Good" and the mbps will jump to 50. Sad isn't it? If I just sit far enough away from it I can get a decent signal, so perhaps I'll be on here more.

I'm sorry, I've had WAY too many people coming up and getting a drink ticket for themself and one for their roommate. No more, if you have a room mate they can get it for themself.

I've finally realized why exactly I liked working as a janitor as much as I did. It isn't that I actually liked the job itself but the fact that it was a decent paying job (for the area) and I only had to deal with one person. It's amazing how good I am at dealing with people if you consider how much I HATE it. With only a trace of pride I can honestly say that I'm better at it than most people who enjoy it. Working at Pamida was similar, for the most part I didn't have to deal with people constantly (accept for around Christmas) but I actually liked the job itself there. I really don't understand why I have such a problem with it though.

I'm suddenly in one of those moods where I either want to sit in a secluded dark room or rip out the throats of anybody who decides to speak to me. I don't know why.

I'm beginning to think that some people don't understand the meaning of the word "Optional". It would seem that some on here think that they HAVE to leave a comment. I don't know if you know this, a database item can't greet you back.

*chokes back laughter* Vertos, a first class restaurant?

1 parts Dr. Pepper

2 parts Sierra Mist

1 parts Orange Slice

6 parts Pepsi

2 days 11 hours and 32 minutes...

Me: *trying to kiss Tina*



Tina: *trying to keep her mouth from me*



Me: *follows* "Hey, I'll chase your lips if I have to!"



Tina: *laughs and gives in*

I've given up telling people that I can give them another hotel's phone number or offering to put them on a waiting list, they usually don't accept it and then later call back for it anyway.

Five and a half more days!

*blinks* I think a dog just called the hotel, that or it was a prank. The phone rang, I answered, a dog barked, and then I heard someone pick and hang it up.

Sometimes I think that I'm paranoid, I've been accused of being so by a friend of mine on here before too. I remember reading things in their journal and thinking that she must be talking about me but it was almost never the case. I asked many a time, the response was usuall "paranoid much?" and I would laugh. There are other instances, real world ones, where I've noticed a similar trait in myself. I've begun to wonder if there isn't a basis for such things. When I read her journal and thought she was talking about me I have to wonder if that isn't because I noticed parts of myself that fit what she was saying, even if she or I didn't realize it. There are times when I'm walking that I feel like I'm being watched or followed, stalked more or less, and it occurs to me that there was a period of time where that did happen. Still, I think this is something I need to work on.

*sighs* As a last part of the entrance application I have to answer three questions. The problem is that I've been thinking on them a while and I can't quite decide how to answer, *sighs* knowing me as I do I know that it could take a while.

Now there's something I enjoy, if I can make a pleasant customer's day by putting in a little bit of extra effort than that's awesome. A guest called and made two reservations a while back for 6 days but we were sold out halfway through that period for the types of rooms they wanted. They called back today because they were mailed a confirmation and the rates listed on it weren't what they had been quoted. While we were discussing their reservation I noticed that we now had a bunch of rooms open that day for one of their rooms and so I adjusted it but we still didn't have any open for the other. After speaking with the manager she rearranged a group block so that we had one of that type of room open that day. She said that the group had said they didn't care what type of rooms they had, so it was safe to do some shifting there. I called the guest back to inform them of it and they were genuinely grateful. Apparently they come here once a year and are partial to this hotel.

Ok, no offense Christians but there is nothing funnier to me than when somebody claims to have seen the face of Jesus on something. Not because of the claim itself but because these images almost always resemble the Catholic portrayl of the man and it is an extremely flawed image. If his face were to appear than he wouldn't look anything like that and it is most likely that the person seeing it wouldn't recognize it.

*sighs* I'm out of manga to read in the series that I've been reading and I can't watch anything right now. I'm feeling very bored.

Friggin' A! I am not your dear! I am not your hun! If one more person other than my girl friend calls me thus, I swear I'm going to smack them!

I've decided that I'm going to get back into calligraphy. I'm not going to do so just because I enjoy it either, I've noticed that when I was in the practice it helped my everyday handwriting too. I'm sure that nobody on here has seen my handwriting, except for SinginGhost88, but take my word for it when I say it sucks. Although, it was fun to do too.

I don't claim to use perfect english and lord knows I know how to speak better than I do but there are certain things that bother me. To be fair they are common mistakes but they still bug me. Drownded, casted, and buyed.

While my job may be a lot like a secretary's, I am NOT one. I have absolutely NO information about the manager's meetings nor do I have any idea how long they might last. If you want her to be available when you come in than you should try calling beforehand to arrange something!

I'm trying to draw a picture but I have one major issue with this: I've never been able to do horizons properly. I need to figure this out if I'm going to finish this one.

Poverty: How's it goin'?



Me: Beat it!



Poverty: Aw c'mon! Is that anyway to be? We've been together a long time now!



Me: Exactly!

I've heard may people question their existence, if they exist and, if so, why? I've reached a point where I question neither of these. I know I exist because I do. I don't question why I exist because I exist to answer that very question and there is no answer until I find it, so there's no point in me asking. However, there are still certain parts of my existence that I am curious about.

WTF?! Why is my favorite journals list empty?!

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Oceanne
14:44 Jun 08 2008

Perhaps your entry below explains that?

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I've come to realize that, for the most part, I despise people. The pure idiocy of many of their existence is ridiculous.

New rule for me, no reading right before it's time to go to work!

I decided to do some figuring today, boredom can do that to me, on my food and beverage intake. I consume app. 20-24 ounces of food in an average day (that's these days). For the fluid intake I had to do a bit of guess work on some of it but, if I'm correct, I consume at least 200oz a day... Is it just me or does that seem a little off-balance?

I have absolutely no motivation recently, I'm extremely overcome with apathy. You know what though? I say fuck apathy and motivation. The great thing about being as stubborn as I am is that you don't need motivation to do things because determination takes its place! *goes to roll up sleeves* Woops... *bops head as he remembers he's wearing a sleeveless shirt* heh heh heh

I've decided that, beyond making deposits into it, I'm going to ignore the existence of my savings account unless I absolutely NEED to take money out of it. At least that's how it's going to be for now, I'm trying to save up some money. It'll be fairly easy too. My accounts are set up so that $25 will automatically transfer from my checking into my savings on the 15th of each month and I'm going to make deposits myself occasionally. In four months there will have been $100 transferred into it, there's already $20 (that's what I used to start it), and then there will be whatever I deem I'm able to put in from time to time. I'm hoping that in four months I'll have a few hundred saved up, I know that's not really a lot but I have to start small and even that much will cover most incidentals. Eventually there will be enough in there to consider it a decent savings.

*sighs* Dang. I suddenly got a nice bit of inspiration on my walk home from the grocery store and so I memorized it long enough to type it. It's the first verse of a song but now I don't have anything to finish it! *grumbles and shakes fist at his muse*

This is so lame. I've gotten to the point where it's just too much for me to force myself not to limp and guess what? Now that I'm limping it's not hurting in my foot anymore, it's not hurting near as much in my knee, and it's actually EASIER for me to walk... *walks away uttering foul curses*

I'm feeling very disconnected right now and just a little antisocial. I don't know. I'm also in a lot of pain. I had to race the elevator to the third floor and my knee was already hurting from walking too much, not to mention that I twisted it on the way. Just to make it worse, I've been bumping it on the counter really hard all afternoon. I just want to relax with Tina and not do anything else.

On a side note: Poor Tina, she's working and has to walk home in this torrential down poor.

I really don't have anything to write in here. So why am I writing? Good question. Just because, I suppose anyway. Well, I'm thirsty so piece out.

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Morrigon
22:25 Jun 04 2008

*shrug* it's your journal ;)

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I've come to the decision that I'm going to do something that I haven't done in several years... I'm going to buy a white, sleevelsss shirt... I'm still debating the white part.

It sucks when you don't have as much money as you need. I need to buy some new shoes and a fan for sure but there are a few other necessities, I mustn't forget razor blades either! I didn't take enough out of the bank for all of that today, I'll have to wait. I don't have enough in the bank to get everything and have any left over but I should be able to get a little more with my next paycheck and the next one after that. There may be a few potholes on the highway right now but I can see better driving ahead.

12 days between now and my birthday!

I hate my eyes, they go through some really weird cycles. The optometrist says it's because of my stigmatism but I still don't like it. One thing that never changes is the fact that I have abnormally impressive far sight. For example, I'm sittng about 12 feet from the monitor and I can read this font perfectly fine. It intrigues me at times. The most recent eye test I was given said that my near sight was outstanding too. 20/20 is considered to be the standard for good sight and smaller numbers are better while larger numbers are worse, the last time I was checked my far sight was measured at 14 and my near sight was 17. When somebody's near sight has a number smaller than 20 than their far sight usually doesn't, as well as the other way around. Just one more statistic that I seem to contradict. I'm beginning to think that when I was conceived that some higher being said "Shit, I have a bunch of unused statistical anomalies! I better get rid of them before I get caught... AH! I'll put them here!" and thus my oddities were born! Either that or my mother was one of those women who got abducted and impregnated by aliens and she's just never told me...

There are times when I just feel so useless.

*sighs* Have you ever tried to grip water?

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Oceanne
22:23 Jun 01 2008

You do not grip it..you hold it.

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Bones
22:27 Jun 01 2008

It depends on how much your holding. A few drops in your palm can be gripped. Or you can bottle it and grip it, or freeze it.... It is possible. ;P

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SinginGhost88
22:28 Jun 01 2008

Yes, i got very wet :P

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placidchaos
23:19 Jun 02 2008

This was a metaphore.

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I still feel so exhausted right now for some reason, the only reason my eyes are open is because they're open... Follow?

I got home today and passed out. I only got about 5.5-6 hours of sleep because I got up at two to get ready for work at three, I get to work and am told that I'm not scheduled to be in 'til five. *grumbles* I'm up, ready, and here so the boss lady says I can stay if I want, she has no problem leaving early... Why not? It's two hours of overtime and I AM here already. So, here I am.



When I woke up I was feeling like shit. I was light headed, dizzy, couldn't see straight, and my head was KILLING me. I swear, if I didn't know that I hadn't been, I would think that I had been drinking. Everything but the headache is gone, I think it's a combination of tension and sinus pressure but it's bordering on migraine.



On a happy note: Tina's still here cleaning, that sucks for her but seing her makes me happy.

All in all, I'm pretty content right now.

Lots... and LOTS of drunk people....

I can't give out anyone's room number to anybody but that person because it's illegal. Twol girls come up to the counter wondering what room some person is staying in, they were just given the key to the room by the person but they can't remember what number they were told for certain and can't find the person. They know it's one of two numbers but, as previously stated, I can't tell them which and they know it's a suite. Here lies the loop hole: only one of the numbers they list is a suite and so I tell them which room is NOT the suite... There's absolutely nothing illegal about telling somebody that a room isn't a suite. heh heh heh

I was reading STABB's journal entry about forum posts and I'm wondering what I'm missing? Did something happen or did they go on a bad post spree.

He says his intentions are honorable and, despite my usual mistrust in such claims, I strangely believe him.

It would appear that VR is trying to get to June ahead of schedule. I keep getting to the June section of everyone's journals.



Tina said that she's going to come bug me at work tonight, well, she said she probably would. I hope she does.

I got off of work today and went straight to see Tina, she had to work at 8 so I knew she'd be awake. After I walked her to work I went home and tried to get some sleep but I didn't manage until about 12:30. At 2:30 I'm wakened because I can here an annoying song playing (probably the surest way to wake me even if it can take a minute or two) and sounding as though the radio were in my bedroom. Needless to say, I woke up a little pissed. I got up, dressed, and marched out to confront whatever jackass was playing their music so loudly. It was some charity bullsh*t at the park next to the library. As much as I wanted to I couldn't bring myself to tell them off. Now this puts me at only 3-5 hours of sleep (all totalled) in the last 96 hours (well it will be 96 by the end of my shift, a little over actually).



On a completely unrelated note: Women are cruel, evil creatures. They're like snakes but instead of biting they flirt shamelessly and instead of coiling around you and squeezing you they flaunt their bodies.