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I've been trying to be happy, trying to make a better life for myself. Everything I do to do that backfires. Everytime I start to feel happy, something happens that takes it away and leaves me more miserable than ever before. I'm running on empty, and I just don't know if I can keep pushing myself without something to make it worth it.

I've been depressed lately. I didn't realize how depressed I've felt until I had an emotional breakdown yesterday and spent about 10 minutes crying and talking to my friend. I felt ridiculous at the time, but it felt good afterward. Clearly, I need to do something different.

This question plagues me. I'm not doing all that great, but I'm fine. Mostly, I'm just unhappy, but I also have some health problems that I ignore. When people ask me this, I usually say something like, "I'm still alive and kickin'. I figure, as long as I have that, it could always be worse." Really, that's just a bullshit line I give so I don't have to endure the probing questions followed by the unwanted and often useless advice, and it's easier for me not to dwell on my unhappiness if I don't give the full rundown to everybody that asks. Plus, I really don't have it all that bad, and a lot of the people I explain my whole situation to seem to either want to put me on a pedestal for doing as well as I do or pity me for it all. Fuck that noise.

"I don't know how, it's impossible. Your laugh gets eviler when you're drunk."





... Thanks?

I'm not sure what to do. I'm lonely, and I can't seem to get in touch with any of my "friends". I quote that because I haven't seen them for weeks now. I don't know why. I'm tempted to get back into the online social world again, but it seems less than satisfying after having had friends in the real world. I miss having people to hang with. It seems that they were not real friends though, nothing I hadn't suspected, but it doesn't feel good to be proven right. Then again, maybe it's not them. It seems everybody I get close to drifts away no matter what I do to keep them. I'm tired of a lonely life.

The place I work at used to be a Maid-Rite and Godfather's, but we got rid of Godfather's. Something was criss-crossed in my mind yesterday, I tried to answer the phone "Maid-Rite, this is Godfather's." No clue why, but I caught myself about half through the last word. So, what I ended up saying is, "Maid-Rite, this is God.... Er..." *click* Who hangs up on God? lmao It caught me so off guard that I said it that it took me a couple minutes to stop laughing enough to explain to my coworkers what was so funny.