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You know, I often wonder if there is something wrong with me. No matter what, I can not hate people, or constantly dislike them even. I forgive everyone. I do not hate those that raped me, beat me, abused me. No matter what anyone does to me, I will always eventually not care, I will be nice to them, be friendly.



The most recent case is when my bf of a year broke up with me out of the blue, then not even two weeks later he started fucking his best friend, whom he had told me forever that he did not like, she was like his sister, and she had never and will never like him like that. I never liked it, but he always told me I had nothing to worry about it. Guess he was wrong. It killed me, made me feel worse than he could ever imagine. And yet, I still don't hate either of them. I am more torn and broken inside than you could believe, but nothing towards them. The only one I would harm would be myself. I am still his friend, and though I do not like her and will never be her friend, I do not have the will to be mean to her. I would be perfectly happy never to see her again, but I know I will, and will treat her as I always have.



Is there something wrong? Shouldn't I be mad at them, have some sort of ill will towards them? I don't know. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I did, but I don't know how. I can't hold grudges, I can't stay mad at people. I always forgive, and turn all of the pain inwards. My anger always turns into depression and sadness. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to make it stop for good. It would be easy. Just have to go a little too deep, and it would be done. I'm by myself 90% of the time anyways.



By the time anyone thought to check on me I would be long gone. My roommate never notices me, and no one else comes by or ever hangs out with me. The first people to notice would probably be my managers at work for not coming to my shift. Well, that's if I did it in my room. If I did it in the bathroom than my roommate would most likely notice first for need of the facilities.



I dunno. I'm just tired of all of the pain.

COMMENTS

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LibidinousLuke
03:42 May 31 2010

By holding your anger inside, you are worsening your depression. You should be angry at your former boyfriend for not being honest with you.



You are a good writer and seem like a good person. Build on that and your depression will eventually go away.

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Well Wednesday Night was freaking amazing. I don't remember all of it, but it was fun. Asides from things I already knew but was hiding myself from. Now I can't tell myself otherwise, I can't pretend. At least now I know what I was seeing was real, and not just my mind trying to fuck me over. Seems my gift is a little stronger than I thought, though I wish it would show me things that don't tear me apart. I was so happy, and now I'm back to this. All by myself, crying and alone. Just like always. I couldn't stop my mind last night. Every other thought was about those things, no matter what I did. It wouldn't leave me alone. Sometimes I wish I could stop it, just make it go away permanently. I don't really want to die though. At least not all the time. I guess I just need to call Josef again, when I get the money. Either that or my pretty little friend next to the couch. It always makes me feel...not as bad. Makes me stop thinking anyways. I think it needs sharpened though. And no, to anyone reading this, I do not want your sympathy, pity, or attention. This is simply the only thing I have to talk to. This is my diary. If you don't like it, you think I'm whining, then fuck off. I don't give a rat's ass. This is the only thing that keeps me sane. Hopefully your life is better than mine...

Things are getting better, though today was a little off. Have been depressed off and on all day. definitely not my best day, but I think things are looking up. I'm still depressed at the moment, but there is a shade of happiness underneath. Things seem to going better, heading in a very good direction, which makes me extremely happy. I can't wait. I think things will be much better soon. I wish it would hurry though. I'm being impatient, I know. I can't help it. I want it so badly. Even as depressed as I am at the moment, just the thought of that which is to come makes me smile.



I guess I should find something to do, though I know not what. I work as much as they'll schedule me, and don't have a lot of friends to hang out with. None, really. Oh well, I've gotten used to that. Can't get a lot of pets because of my apartment, and the few I could have I don't want. Too much drama in getting them, completely put me off of them. That really ruined my night tonight.



I don't have very much money to throw around either, not that it would do me much good anyways with no one to do anything with. Trying to get some side jobs though, even if some may be a bit questionable. Not that I have a reason not to, no one to answer to or that would care. Still waiting to hear back on them though. I would really like one of them to go through, I could use the money. I guess we'll see soon. I just wish time would hurry.

Well...things are just odd. my moods have gone off. Never know how I'll be feeling. not just daily either. I can be fucking ecstatic and excited as hell one minute, then more depressed than I've ever been the next. I can be incredibly pissed off and irritable for hours, then suddenly I'm happy again, for no reason. I don't know what to do anymore. I want it to end. This next month is going to be hell. Have to try to stay happy though. Need positive energy. Hopefully everything will be back to normal soon. I have to keep faith. If it isn't, I don't know what I'll do. If things don't change, I guess the government gets a new doll.