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I'm done trying. I'm done with all this relationship bullshit. If anyone wants a relationship with me, they're gonna have to do all the work. I'm not starting anymore conversations, I'm not asking anyone to go anywhere with me anymore. And I'm not talking boyfriend or anything. I mean any relationship. Friend, family, anything. If I really mean anything to my "friends," then they'll talk to me. I shouldn't have to start every conversation, be the one always asking for them to join me just to be told no. Friendships aren't supposed to be one-sided. I shouldn't be the only one that cares enough to try. I'm done with all this shit.

I've recently started shopping. A lot. I do that when I get bored, or depressed. I used to eat, but now I buy things. And yet, no matter how much I buy, or how much I eat, nothing even touches the emptiness. So I keep buying, and buying, until I've hit my monetary limit. Then I eat. That doesn't help either. I don't want to eat, don't feel like it, but its something to do, something to distract my mind. I think I'll stop though. I just don't want to eat anymore. It almost makes me sick because I have no urge to. I eat only because I have to. But now, even that biological urge is waning. I just don't feel like doing anything, even eating. All I feel is empty. And with no one wanting anything to do with me, being nothing but a convenience when there is no other, I don't see it getting any better. I've almost broken a promise, its all that stops it, but I haven't, not yet. Something needs to change though. This emptiness will engulf me.

So, its come to this. I wish I could change everything, change how I feel. But, I can't. My only option at this point is to leave. I'm being poisoned by my mind, and its only a matter of time before it overcomes me. I need to completely immerse my self in something, and what better than a new job? One in which I will be taken far away, and attempted to be wiped clean. I know I won't be broken, I'm far too strong for that. I will be able to leave everything, though. Begin anew. I just can't do this anymore. I have nothing left, no one cares. None of my so called friends hang out with me, save the ones that want in my pants. People barely talk to me. I have no one. I can't stay here. Something drastic would have to happen to change my mind at this point.

You know, I can put up with a lot. I will give everything I can to my friends. Hell, I would put myself through some serious pain for those I care about. I can take lying, abuse, betrayal, arguing, uncaring. The one thing I can not take is ignoring. I can not be ignored. I'm not saying you have to give me your undivided attention, but I at least expect people who say they care about me to acknowledge that I am speaking to them, even if it is just to tell me "Hey, I'm sleeping" or "I really don't feel like talking right now." That's a hell of a lot better than no answer at all. You have found the one way to lose me. Thank you, for making me feel like I don't matter at all. I hope you're happy. Hope you feel better. I won't be trying anymore. I can't take this. If our relationship means that little to you, then fine. You want to be friends, then its your turn to do all the work. I'm done.

So, I got my nipples pierced today. Went with a friend, but I really, really wanted someone else there with me. Going to get my nose done soon as well. I feel incredibly lonely at the moment. I would really like some company. Someone to just lay down with me and cuddle. Just be with me. I don't know if this incredible loneliness is enhanced by the pain I'm in, or just for no reason.



It seems that the only people who are willing to hang out with me want to date me, and I don't want to do anything with them. I don't know. Not really sure what to say, I'm just really fucking lonely right now. I want to be held.

Well, while having a conversation with one of the last people I expected, I came to a realization. I've lost what little faith I had left in humanity. I suppose it was inevitable. I've always been highly optimistic, always saw the good in everyone, always gave everyone another chance. It had waned a little, when I was in middle school, but then I met most of my friends and it was regained. It has been steadily decreasing ever since I moved, and now, its gone.



I don't care anymore. Most people are inherently self-indulgent, many to the point that they either don't think or don't care about the consequences of their actions and will do whatever pleases them at the moment. This is a bad thing for someone who is extremely self-sacrificial. It causes nothing but pain. Well, sometimes it can bring some joy I suppose, but not often. I dunno. I'm done trying to find excuses for people. Its too much work. Time to just face the music now. I have to accept that most people are very basic.



Intelligence is often more of a curse than a blessing.

I don't need enemies, or torture. My mind is the worst thing anyone can do to me...

Today was definitely interesting. I hit all ends of the spectrum, going from extremely pissed off, to depressed as hell, to ecstatically happy. I'm still pretty happy, which is just awesome. I haven't felt this good in a very long time. Not sure why I do really, but I'm glad I am. I've also made several realizations, and come to terms with them. I know what I need to now. I'm still healing, as I will be for quite awhile, but it is getting better. I think my four hours of music last night helped. I guess that is the beauty of my personality, for I can forgive anything, and do not hold on to things forever. I am in no way protected from hurt, but I am able to heal. I suppose most people would love to have that ability. I know I'm probably clinically insane, but I'm okay with that. At least I'm entertaining. I'm sure I will probably have some more relapses, but I think they are getting better. I've made my peace for the time being. Its time.

Don't you just love nightmares? Though that was an odd one, not exactly a nightmare persay, but definitely very odd and creepy. Not something I wanted to see. I'm sure it didn't help with my mood.



It really sucks when you wake up depressed. I'm not talking about waking up happy, then all your thoughts hit you, and you're depressed again. I mean waking up with no will, no happiness whatsoever. I'm getting to the point to where I just don't care anymore. About anything. I've lost most of my fight, and I don't know how much I have left. I have no reason to stay here.



I have one friend, whom I love more than anything, both as a friend and as more. I would do anything for him. I know it is not reciprocated, but it is just how I feel. He is my best friend, a better friend than I've ever had. He's always telling me I need to be selfish, think of myself for once, but I can't do that. Its just not in my nature or soul to do so. There are too many selfish people in the world anyways. I suppose that probably contributes to my downfall.



I've helped a lot of people through my life, given them the courage and will to live as they wanted, to be the people they were meant to be. Made them happy. I've also hurt people, caused fights, ruined friendships. Which one outweighs the other? I would like to think the first. I'm not sure though. I guess I'll find out after I've departed from this chapter of my existence. I'm sure someone/thing has been keeping track.



I often wonder what will happen when I die. I had a thought one day, a feeling, that it is nothing. I would go to sleep, and then there is a big nothing. Its peaceful, quiet, but there is nothing. A blackness, almost like a deep sleep. Something tells me that I am not far off. Maybe it is knowledge from my gift. I don't know. Often times I wish I did not have it. It seems to cause me more pain than anything else. Oh well, just another part of my joyous life.

You know, every time I actually talk to someone about my problems, they always tell me that. It'll get better, things will pick up, you have people that care about you. Well I've been waiting for 13 years for things to get better, and those people sure have a funny way of showing it. I give up entire days for them, and what do I get in return? Nothing. No one has the time to take out of their day for me. Oh sure, some will text me, but thats just convenient for them. That way they can say that they are there for me, they listened to me. I hate to break it to you, but thats just not enough. That isn't being there for someone. It isn't enough to help me anymore.



I don't think anyone can help me anymore. I'm just too far gone. Unless something really drastic and miraculous happens, this is it. I'm destined to go through this alone. Either I make it through this to live out my life, or this takes me. Only time will tell.

Hmmm...today was odd. Had a pretty good day, except for about a two hour period in which I was extremely depressed and just wanted to go home and sleep. I've been pretty happy other than that though, which is a first in a long time.



I'm starting to really miss things though, wanting something I can't have at the moment. I miss it a lot, not sure exactly what to do. I know its probably not reciprocated, but I can only wonder and wait. I'll never ask. Just eight more days. There's been so much progress already, I know that its working. I just really hope it fulfills all that it was meant to. I will literally cry when it does.



I don't know though. Just odd. Waiting is often the hardest thing one can do I've found. The better things go, the happier I am though. I know this is best. Hopefully it is realized soon.

Well that was fun. Just spent nearly an hour of my morning gripped by an anxiety attack. No idea why I had it. Just laying here online when it started. It really brought home the fact that I have absolutely no one I feel I can call for help. I have no family up here, no friends. The one person I thought about texting I knew wouldn't be up, and wouldn't come over even if he was. He would probably just text me, maybe call me, but he wouldn't come over.



So there was no one to help me. Still not completely over it. I almost thought about calling into work it was so bad. I still don't feel like going in, but I have to. I don't have the luxury of missing work. I have to put on my happy face so as not to upset anyone else's day, no matter how mine is.



Oh well, that's just how my life is. As long as everyone else is happy than its okay. I just really wish I had someone to comfort me sometimes. A true friend who would just sit here with me and hold me. I have Freddy, but he's not enough. He helps, but doesn't quite make anything better. No one wants to do that though. I'm not quite that important to anyone that they would want to do that for me. Well, at least Freddy will never leave me. He'll always have time for me.