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I think I may have figured out what it is. I feel as though spending time with me is a burden for him, keeping him from his normal life. Like it bothers him. I am fine with just sitting there watching tv, movies, just being together, but he insists we must do things, that we need to make memories. Like it is not enough just to spend time with one another. I feel like I change his life. He has told me many times that he stays up much longer than he wants to because he feels like he has to spend time with me. That he has sacrificed and changed so much to make me happy. He complains of being tired, that I don't know what its like because I have not had a job like his for several years, and when I have then I'll understand. That staying up with me is a chore, difficult.

Any time I text him I feel as though I will be interrupting something, bothering him. He told me that he is texting me because I do it. In other words, he wouldn't do it on his own volition. Though I see his other friends texting him, including his ex-girlfriend, and he answers them and has conversations. Why then, did he feel the need to point it out to me? Because it is a burden to text me, but not them?

Any time I start to feel really close to him, start to let my guards down, something happens and I completely disconnect. He'll tell me he's not happy, that he feels as if I don't care about him not feeling well because I didn't ask what was wrong. That I need to talk to him, tell him my emotions all the time and why I feel that way, and if I don't then I don't trust him and we must have messed up somewhere, missed a step. He says me not trusting him hurts him, but I do trust him. I trust him very much. He just does not believe it because I do not say everything that comes into my mind, I do not explain or bring to light all of my emotions. He cannot understand that that is just who I am. I don't know how to make him see, and it kills me to know that I am hurting him, especially not knowing how to help, not knowing how to change to make it better.



So I guess the question is, what do I do now? Will this feeling pass, or is it just going to worsen over time? I don't think I could handle it if it did. It depresses me, and I can't have any more of that. There is enough depression in my life as it is.

Something is wrong, so very wrong. What it is, I know not. This feeling is killing me. Depression, anxiety, uncertainty. Is it just my uncertainty in my relationship? I've never felt this way in one before. I never know what to do, never confident in my decisions. I am not confident in his love, feel that it can be taken away at a moment's notice. I feel like I walk on eggshells around him. He seems so much better than me, completely out of my league. More stable, more mature. More set in himself. I don't know how to deal with the difference. I think its more than I can handle sometimes.

There is this wall between us, that I can not seem to break through. Something just prevents me from being completely open with him. I feel as though I will be judged, he will not understand me. This is not an unfound fear; he does not understand most people. He doesn't understand emotional responses, only logic. He is extremely literal, I have to explain everything to him. Just the other day I had to explain to him that his co-worker telling him to put on a jacket to take out trash because it was cold was him trying to be nice, not stupid. He couldn't understand that. I love him, but we are extremely different in many ways. Sometimes I think these differences may be too great. I hope we are able to work through them, with them. I am not sure though. I wish I had someone to talk to.

I'm starting to get lost again. I have to drastically change my relationship with Kristopher, because it affects my relationship with Jeremiah. He is the only one I have to talk to asides from Jeremiah. But I can't talk to him about everything, given our history. And I can't talk to him as much as I'd like, because it hurts Jeremiah that there is someone else, especially another man, that demands so much of my attention and time. I'm trying desperately to make Jeremiah happy, but I feel like I'm losing. I can't be what he wants to be. I'm not good enough for him, I am not what he needs. I'll never be able to keep him happy. I fear this relationship is just going to end in my heartbreak.

COMMENTS

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HaZyFaErY
00:47 Jan 28 2011

good luck

men are extremely different than we are. tell him how you feel. you need to worry about your happiness, not his for a change.

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