The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I feel incredibly depressed and sad right now, yet at the same time I am a little happy. I think anyways. I don't know what to do exactly. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't know how I can be feeling this way. Its enough to make me want to end it. I've never felt this bad in my life, and I've hit some pretty low spots before. It feels as if there is a hollow inside of me that I cannot fill. I want to cry constantly, yet at the same time I do not. I have happy moments, but there is always an underlying sadness. Even people at work have noticed. What do I do? Do I dare try, or do I wait? Do I initiate, or would that be detrimental? I don't know what to do. I wish someone would tell me. I wish I could see the future, and travel through time so as to undue what I've done or will do wrong. I wish I could leave sometimes, just leave everything and everyone behind and forget them. Travel far away and do whatever comes to mind, never looking back or remembering what has been. I can't though, at least not until next spring. I need to finish my associates degree. Plus my lease will be up next march.

Well, I'm still sick. I was able to eat half a bowl of ramen noodles yesterday though. My brother stayed the night so he could play online. I didn't play with him though, I was way too tired. I actually slept in today, though I hadn't gone to sleep until about 230. I got up at 8 but I was able to go back to sleep off and on until about 11. My stomach feels really weird. Like its upset, and I kinda want to throw up, but at the same time I don't.



I'm debating whether or not to go to the doctor. I need a general checkup anyways. If I go, I might as well tell them all of the issues I'm having.



I dunno. I wish there was a quick fix for my problems. I've had a few ideas, but they may take a bit to work. I just don't know whats going on. My eating issues started when he broke up with me, but that couldn't cause it, could it? It never has before. Any other time, yeah I was sad, but I still ate and had no physical problems. It's just odd...

Well, I thought I was dealing with this pretty well. I though I was getting over it. After all, how many times have I gone through this?



Apparently I was wrong. I was talking to him today, and when he told me "good night, see you tuesdayish," it broke my heart. I was overcome with loneliness and depression. I won't see him until Tuesday? I've never gone that long without seeing him. I'll be completely alone for almost five days...



My entire world has been turned upside down. All I want to do is have him back, have him hold me and make me feel better. I want to hear him tell me he loves me again, and that he'll always be here for me. I guess that won't be happening though, will it? He'll never do those things again.



I hate it. I've never loved anyone like I do him. He was the only one I had ever thought about marrying. I had even looked at rings for him, had the perfect one picked out. It was expensive, but it would have been perfect for him.



I actually wanted kids, with him. I've never, ever wanted them before. But he made me want them. I wanted to settle down with him, get married, and have kids. I never told him, but I did. I thought about that more than anything.



I wish I could do something to get him back. I wish I could change things. I wish I could go back in time and undo anything bad I ever did to him. I wish I could be perfect for him, give him everything he ever wanted. I would do anything for him. I would do anything for him to come back to me...

Well, he broke up with me on Tuesday. It hurt pretty bad, but I'm coping. I still love him, but I understand. I haven't been eating much. It makes me sick. In the past three days I've had about half a pepsi, four skittles, 15 cheezits, a bottle of water, half a beer, and half a little burrito/chimichanga thing. and like 8 oz or so of Monster. Haven't really felt like doing much. At least I still have classes with him. I think we will still be friends, at least I hope so. He's been my best friend since we first met, but there was just too much going on I think. We lived together, worked together, and had some of the same classes. We did almost everything together. I think we were just together too much. Maybe now that he moved out, we can rebuild our friendship again. I hope so.



Will it eventually lead to more? That depends on him. Part of me hopes so, but part of me isn't sure it will. I don't think he still loves me like that. I think its more of a best friend thing now, which I can live with. I know that I'll never love anyone like I do him, though. I never have, and its a one of a kind thing. It will never leave, nor lessen. At least for me. For him, I don't know. I want to hope so, but that would be wrong of me. I think we just hit our end. He was through with me, even if he didn't realize it. I hope not, but that is what I fear.



I've gotten very shaky today. Maybe because of the Monster, but I'm not sure. I feel odd, my brain feels weird. My pulse rate has risen. I feel warm, and very odd. My hands shake uncontrollably, and I'm tired yet wide-awake. Who knows what will happen?