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Today has been especially rough for me. After finding out some plans have fallen through on finding another job, I attempted to retract my two weeks notice at my current job. After being constantly ignored by my boss and having a panic attack, I decided maybe its just not worth it. I was robbed around 3 weeks ago and I have a few mental disorders and a bad heart. Needless to say, stress does weird things to me. Including give me a heart attack. The expectations and treatment at my job have increased on the bad side and there just isnt enough to make me want to stay. I sat and though about everything for a while and had a severe panic attack. I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance to be honest. But my personal health means more than that. I have a little savings built up. Money will be tight for a while, no doubt. I am still worried. But knowing that I wont have to go back to that hellhole relieves a large part of it. I only had three days left and I supposed I could have done it, but I called them and told them I would be in tomorrow with my badge and uniforms.

I have had a heart attack before and currently at my age thats pretty bad. Early thirties, already had a heart attack, and only a small percentage of my heart pumps like it should. Last count it was 39% functionality, the left side barely has any pumping power. It was causing me to go to the ER with chest pains constantly. I am just hoping I can find another job. It too me a year and 3 months to find this one after I had a major surgery and left my last one. I don't want it to take that long again. I hate worrying. I hate stress. I can not stand this shit...

It is pretty fucked up. How much I miss you. Miss us doing things together. Honestly, you were the best friend I ever had. But you changed. You starting hanging out with anyone who seemed friendly, regardless of their morals or beliefs that went clear against your own. You bended. You bended to fit it. You bended for family that was toxic, and stood steadfast of the family that wanted best for you.It is an easy mistake. But even though you knew you were making it, you still went through. Because those people were all you knew. You let lovers and those who claimed they cared bend you to a point of breaking. You started doing drugs. You lost the identity of the friend I loved and cared for and would die for. You took everything from me. You were my best friend.

The closest thing to a soulmate one could find in a plutonic relationship. We had the same thought patterns, same reasoning, logic, sense of humor. But no longer. You are frail and sick. Your health improves the degrades rapidly. I offer my help and when time comes, I am blown off. I suffer from my own health problems, but I still try. I still remember and honor what we had, as brothers. But as new seasons give in to new years, I am stuck with the obvious yet least wanted answer. You're not coming back. And I am going to have to live with that.

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VvBLOODLUSTvV
14:22 May 14 2018

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry.::hugs::

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I have been sitting and thinking. Hours upon hours. I really do not see how people can have any kind of super positive outlook or be "happy" all the time. I can't understand the ignorance of some, as science and fact prove them wrong, yet they still choose to deny what is obvious. I have only had a few real friends, and plan to keep it that way. But I can not get over my hate for people. People who use their brains too little. Or at all for that matter. People who just keep having and having kids, feeding off of the economy's welfare system. The government's systemic spying, violating of rights, and aggressiveness. Corruption is everywhere, and it is truly disgusting. No one will ever be completely on the same page as someone else. Down deep somewhere, there will be minute differences that some probably can not see on the outside.

I guess humans, in their own nature, disgust me.

Fuck Society.

COMMENTS

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ShaqraHelel
12:16 May 14 2018

I couldnt agree more.

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Mindie
12:30 May 14 2018

I agree

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