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So, I wonder a lot about life. Was recently dealt a shitty blow at my job. I can't make full time because they cite my health problems (although I have missed less than half the employees there). So therefor, I am part time and ineligible for benefits. So I can't see my doctor.

Recently lost the last two closest friends I had ; one due to drugs, and the other due to drugs and a controlling boyfriend that she is planning to marry. They arent dead at least, but they find drugs and druggie friends more interesting to have plans with and never return calls or texts to me anymore.

You know I must be a really shitty person. Cant trust anyone. Cant find anyone that is trustworthy or wants to be my friend. I am really tempted anymore just to kill myself and be done with it. Backstabbing people, job has screwed me over, just whatever. I have no want to move forward anymore. IDK why I am even writing this in here. Of all places to express my feelings this is probably the wrong place. Guess an outlet is needed. I feel like I am repeating myself from a previous post.. I cant remember. I havent slept in a while. No meds work. Alcohol wont do it. Cant afford weed anymore.

But hey, what is life anyways? We live, we die. There is literally no point to it than to try to leave the world better for the unfortunate souls who get dragged into it by reproduction. If I would have ever gotten the chance, I would have told my mom just to not bother having me. I am not wanted by this world nor do I wish to be in it any longer.

Listening to - Another way to die by Disturbed

I have sat and thought for a long time that I am probably the only person who feels how I do. Or at least that cares to admit it. Someone a long time ago introduced me to something called the Georgia Guidestones. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgia_Guidestones

So regardless, considering all that is written upon these tablets, I am going to have to say I agree with their message. We, as humans, are a cancer on this earth. We are destroying resources faster than they can be replenished. We are blind to truths, and are so, willingly. Technology and information overflow has everyone addicted to to their phones, their tablets, to those little blue social icons that tempt us into interacting online while ignoring our significant others and close friends. Everything is strategically engineered to brainwash us. It is killing our ability to think for ourselves. Not many can resist these techniques.

Have I mentioned the fact that I absolutely HATE people? In this day and age, I feel like it should be someone's duty to prove to me that they aren't a total complete piece of shit. I went to get some groceries today and this lady literally pushed me out of the way. I was aside to the edge of the aisle, reading something on a box on the shelf and she just came up and pushed me out of the way and said could you move? The fucking nerve of this bitch. Sometimes I wish I was a woman just so I could backhand the living shit out of people like her. I hope she gets her ass beat someday soon or gets in a car wreck and loses a limb. Maybe that will make her more humble and thankful that she is alive and will have to require assistance and depend on the kindness of others and have people refuse to help her.

I have many, many reasons for my attitude against people. I have seen the disgusting part of mankind for much too long. Political agendas sicken me to no end. People REFUSE to see that political systems only exist to set forth rules that those in power benefit from and can skirt by on if caught. They exist to divide people. We are stuck in the mindset of preconceived notions about ideas and subjects that are instilled in us at an early age. We are TAUGHT that certain things are bad, certain people are certain ways or are inferior, that the opposite gender is one way or another. Sometimes it takes a lot of fucking work to find someone who doesn't fit these stereotypes. Someone who won't hurt us, lie, cheat, steal, etc. I won't lie, stereotypes ARE out there for EVERY race. There are some areas that they really seem dominant. But you shouldn't let it defer you from meeting others, and having those healthy relationships.

Jesus I wish I could have friends. I wish I could meet people. I wish I could but I can't. Social Anxiety and a host of other problems cause me to back away quickly. If I reach out to someone it is because I feel that you are special. I did that for the first time today in over 4 years. Still haven't seen any reciprocated results. And for that reason along with others is why I don't do it often. Hell I know I most likely seem like a creep too. But it is what it is. I don't chase people anymore. It leads to too much weird feelings and awkward communications.

Eh... I think I have written enough for the night. No one will read anyways.. haha. Jokes on me I wasted 15 minutes writing. Hell my life is a waste if anything.

Yeah it has been a while since I made an entry. Hell its been a while since I have been on. I have been constantly struggling between my mental problems, work, health problems and more. I have recently lost another friend. This time it was someone I called my sister and considered as such. I am finding out quickly that "adopted" family is just as shitty as real family . I digress.

I just never could bring myself to understand how you can be friends with someone and be as close to be considered a family member and just up and stop communicating with them directly. Every day I see her go out to get drinks or just about anything else you could imagine with her other friends. It used to take just a few minutes or hours for her to get back to me if I needed advice or a friend to talk to. Now it takes days, if not the better part of a week most times. And people wonder why it takes so long to get to know me and work their way into my life. I just can't trust anyone anymore and I am so skeptical of anyone wanting to be friends.

Life sucks. Dead end job. Exhausted because I have to work myself to the bone with my medical problems. I just never feel all the way there. I have stopped smoking weed for the time being. Mainly because I am not sure I want to stay at my current job and I really don't have the money for it. My state is not weed friendly. Will probably be THE LAST STATE to legalize it.

I have all but deactivated my personal facebook account. I am fixing to do the same for instagram. Thinking about keeping Twitter. Just for following some news. I just have no need to be with people anymore . I am never appreciated. Never valued. This country, this society, these people, they are all going to shit. I think it is humanity in general though. But that will be an entry for another time. Really wondering here lately if I should just go ahead and kill myself. I have put together some relatively "painless" methods that would indeed result in death. Lets just say I have access to chemicals and am a bit of a scientist in my free time.

Why write in this thing even? I guess I need an outlet. No one to care, no close friends, its about all I have left. So, till next time..