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Ok first off, me wrists are clean, no cuts. but last night I was playing with a kife (a two blade knife, one on each end *bitchin!*) and I start to rub my thumb along the edge of it and I ctu my effing thumb! I cut it deep enough to sting, but not deep enough to bleed, I wanted to make it bleed and stick it in my mouth. I felt crazy! I loved it. but I'm kinda scared of how good it felt to cut my thumb. it makes me think how good it must feel to cut your wrists and make them pour blood.

it's snowing right now... we've already had spring break man! this totally sucks big monkey pickle... If it were raining it'd be extacy for me but I just cant stand the snow!

It's such a mess inside my head. My thoughts, I mean. I'm having half thougts ( you know when you cant hhear your thoughts or whatever ) & I'm hopeing that writing as I go wil help me focus enough to know what I'm thinking. "why?" is the most prominent thought, though smaller thoughts ring out in a tangled chorus behind it, thoughts like "*name deleted*", "hurt", "what (did I do)", and so on... my thoughts rarely come i words. As a defense mechanism my mind trys to block these thoughts with blankness so I keep zoning out and it makes them even more hard to think. I've been able to find where to look for clarity (I hope)... I have to start with *name deleted again*, talk to him... there are a few problems with that though: he lives 4 hours away, his dad isinsane and thinks I want to get him back together with *other deleted name*... Oh and his voice makes me ckoke up and not be able to do anything but cry. Unfortunatley I don't posess the ability to allow myself sorrow so I am left stuck with nowhere to go in the way of emotions. Yesterday I sat in a tree (well, stood until I colapsed into the fetal position) & wept intill some kids started staring at me... It wasn't long enough to help any. why is it that I am so bad at picking guys to fall in love with? the last guy I fell in love with before *name deleted once again* also did this to me... what's funny is it was also with *the other name I deleted*. My cousin who guys, confusingly enough, think is mor attractive than me. the first guy tried to hide it, not preverbally shout it from the rooftops and mock me. Why would someone do this? good question. I'd like the answer for myself.