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A Robert Frost poem, for a new acquaintance...



Dust of Snow



The way a crow

Shook down on me

The dust of snow

From a hemlock tree

Has given my heart

A change of mood

And saved some part

Of a day I had rued.

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StoneCrow
14:00 Nov 25 2008

Awww, that is awesome. :) Ok, you rock :D

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mtsoul77
14:32 Nov 25 2008

Yay! You realized I was talking about you. :)

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Busy day today. I have a bunch of baking to do to get ready for Thanksgiving. I need to make 5 pies and 6 loaves of pumpkin bread.



On the up side, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. My step-sister, her husband and my oldest nephew are coming down on Wednesday. I haven't seen my step-sister and nephew since the beginning of August. I haven't seen my brother-in-law since June 2007.



It'll be nice to have family around for the holiday. Especially since plans for Christmas are still up in the air.

I messed up. When I cashed out my 401k at the end of last month, I let my mother borrow most of the money. I gave her more than I should have. I originally planned on using the money to buy a car and to buy christmas presents for my kids. The day after I got the check, my mom asked me if she could borrow some of it. By "some" I knew she meant most. I couldn't say no. She wouldn't have asked if she hadn't needed it. So, as soon as it cleared my account, I handed it over, no questions asked. When we had to make the unexpected trip back to NY for my cousin's funeral, I spent a good chunk of what I kept for myself. And now I'm left with less than $100 to get my kids and my parents their christmas presents. I don't see how that's possible. That gives me less than $25 per person. How can I give my kids any kind of decent christmas on $25 a piece? And my nephews? I won't be able to get them anything at all.



I can't ask my mom for the money back. Not even part of it. She doesn't have it right now. She's scraping to get by as it is. Even if she did have it, I wouldn't feel right asking for it.



It's times like these that I wish I had someone to turn to for a small loan. I don't need much, $300 tops. Just enough to get my boys something decent to open on Christmas morning. Unfortunately, with the economy the way it is right now, I don't have anyone that has the money to spare.



So here I sit, in tears, typing this, knowing that it's going to be a really bad Christmas. It's got me really down. Christmas as a single parent has always been difficult. This year is going to be the worst yet.

COMMENTS

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Vampirewitch39
05:44 Nov 23 2008

*sigh* The holidays are going to be hard on many I fear. I remember the times as a child- waking every one up super early. The screaming and yelling as we open gifts, watching the tv together, cooking, the times we would go visit other friends and family members.



Your sons know Mom is doing the best she can, they understand. They may pout but the lesson they learned? Helping others when asked- family is family.



*hugs*

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Sinora
09:31 Nov 23 2008

*Hands over a tissue*....I know it sounds twee but Christmas is all about love and helping, you helped your Ma.



Adults should understand that money is tight, I would advise you spend what little you have on your children.



VW is right ( as usual ) *hugs*.

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Finally got my kids' report cards. I'm more than happy with their grades.



Cole (who is in first grade) got a "satisfactory" in everything. I'm not sure how grading systems go elsewhere, but both here and NY grade with satisfactory, unsatisfactory, or above average (though the actual phrases may be different) for the lower grade levels. For a child who was behind in reading and had to take a summer reading class, I'm thrilled with his improvement.



Daniel (who is in fifth grade) got 4 B's, a C and an F. For Daniel, these grades are beyond great. For a kid who used to battle me so hard about going to school in the morning that I would have bruises from him hitting me, he's come almost full circle. He hates school. I know that without him having to tell me. He's always had a difficult time with it. Given his problems, I can understand that. I've done everything I could to get him into the right program. It took far too long, but he's finally there. Now, we're to the point that most days I can get him up, ready and off on the bus without any problem. Some days I get some minor complaints. I can deal with a few complaints every now and then. I'm just glad he doesn't try to beat me up every morning anymore. So yeah...I'll take 4 B's, a C and an F. It's amazing what the right school program can do. :)

What is it with mothers? I swear, mine drives me up the wall sometimes. For example - I keep my living room curtains closed if I'm in the room. I have 2 reasons for this:



1. The sun shines through the front window most of the day, and the rays of light always hit directly on both the TV screen and the computer monitor. Closing the curtains remedies this problem.



2. There are 4 houses that can see into my living room through the window. There is also a street that sits about 50 feet away from the window. I don't like to sit in the room and feel like anyone who wants to can watch me. It creeps me out.



So, my reasons are valid, in my mind at least. My mother knows my reasons, but she still insists on opening the curtains every time she's around. Her reason -



"It looks ghetto with the curtains closed."



WTF??? How does having closed curtains look ghetto? They're nice curtains. I spent $100 on them. They certainly aren't sheets, or blankets, or anything else that could be considered ghetto. I just don't get it!?!?!

You know the one feature that I really wish Cancer would add to the database? In the books section, I would love it if the author was listed on the main listing pages, so that I don't have to open up almost 1,400 separate entries to get each one. Maybe it could go next to the title, separated by a dash or something, or maybe on it's own line before the description. It doesn't matter where exactly, as long as it's there.



Of course I have a reason for this. I want to compile a list of vampire books, complete with authors, so that I can keep track of the books I've read and the ones that I haven't. I've wanted to do it for a long time. Every time I go to the books section of the database to get started on it, I open a few entries, type the name of the book and the author into the list, and then I get frustrated and close everything without bothering to save it. The thought of opening up that many separate pages to ferret out the information is just daunting. With this little change, and with the current amount of entries in the database, I would only have to open 93 pages to get all of the information I want. That would save me hours, maybe even days worth of work. 93 pages is achievable. It would probably only take me a few hours to get the list done.



I can't be the only avid vampire book reader who would like this...can I? I'm sure there are others on this site that would enjoy the addition. And, I'm not certain here, but I think it would be a relatively easy adjustment to make. I could be wrong (it wouldn't be the first time), but it just seems like it would be an easy thing to add.

It's taken me two weeks to get to the point where I can finally write about this specifically, and not in reference to something else. At first, I was just in too much shock to form the words. Numb mostly. I didn't want to believe it. Couldn't believe it. Then, I was a wreck. I cried at the drop of a hat. Now, I'm to the point where I can finally form coherent thoughts about it without breaking down in uncontrollable sobs. So, here goes...



I've decided that people should never have to stand over the casket of someone their own age or younger. In my opinion, death hurts the most when it's someone young. Far too often in my 30 years, I've attended funerals for young people.



My first was when I was in 7th grade. One of my good friends passed away that year. She had always been sick. I don't know that I ever knew exactly what condition she had, just that she was "sick." Had been for as long as I had known her. That didn't make her passing any less painful, or any less shocking. It was the spring. I was 12. I was devastated. I had grown up with this girl, gone to Brownies, then Girl Scouts with her. We were close. I didn't have to attend the funeral services. No one was making me go. Lord knows, everyone would have forgiven me if I couldn't make myself go. But I had to go. I don't think I would have forgiven myself if I hadn't. It was just something I felt I needed to do. I needed to say goodbye. I needed that closure.



Since then, I have been to more funerals than I care to count. Six of them for people that were younger than me. People that were close to me. People that I loved. They all had their impact on me.



In 1993, the funeral was for my boyfriend at the time's youngest brother, AJ ("Baldy"). He was only 3. He was killed in a house fire.



In 1995, the funeral was for my nephew Kyle. He was only a week old. He was born with a birth defect. He lived longer than expected. It was still every bit as difficult, knowing that it was coming.



In 1997, the funeral was for my oldest child. My son, KC (Kenneth Charles). He was only 4. He was killed by a stray bullet.



In 2004, the funeral was for my son Daniel's best friend Trey. He was only 6. He was killed in a boating accident.



In 2005, the funeral was for my best friend Adam. He was 25. He died of a heart attack. I grew up with Adam, had known him all of his life.



The most recent - November 5, 2008 - Michael Tew. My 19 year old cousin. The son of my boys' godparents. One of the best damn 19-year-old kids I've ever known. Mike was like an older brother to my boys. While most teenagers try to avoid kids at all costs, Mike took every second he could get to play with my kids. Not just my kids, but all of the kids in our family. This boy had a heart of gold. I will cherish every memory I have of him.



I can tell you, even with the other funerals I've been to, Michael's was one of the hardest on me. The only one that was as difficult as Mike's was my own son's. There are so many reasons why it was so hard on me. First was the fact that, having been there myself, I knew what his parents were going through. Second, my kids were hurting horribly because of it. Third, my whole family was hurt. (Reasons 1 through 3 hurt me because I'm the kind of person that sees someone else in pain and wants to do whatever I can to ease that pain. In this situation, there's nothing that I can do. I want so badly to erase the pain from my family's lives, and I can't. I feel helpless. I hate seeing my family like this.) My last, but certainly not the least, reason - I loved Michael. I looked forward to seeing him whenever I could. There was just something about him that would make you smile. He was funny, loving, sometimes a little silly, but all in all, he was a great kid. I'm going to miss him.

Michael A. Tew

Mar 01, 1989 - Nov 02, 2008

COMMENTS

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Vampirewitch39
18:11 Nov 17 2008

He sounds like a wonderful person and you was lucky to share the time you had with him. So much pain in your life and still you are one of the most caring persons I know.



You just hang onto the good times- his life was about more then just his death. Hang on to that.



*hugs*

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mtsoul77
18:19 Nov 17 2008

You see...that right there is the reason I had to write the entry before this one. With all the turmoil VW is in over her own loss, she still has kind words to offer to other people.



I've said it before, and I'll no doubt say it a million times again....VW, you are a truly wonderful person. Thank you, for everything.

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Sinora
19:08 Nov 17 2008

*Hugs*.

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I don't admire many people, but those I do are truly worth it. Vampirewitch is one of those people, for far too many reasons to list.



Nine days ago I lost my 19 year old cousin. He was a good kid, and I loved him. More importantly, my kids adored him. They were really close. While most teenagers would have made it a point to avoid younger children, Michael always made the time to play with my kids whenever he was around, and it never seemed like he was doing it because he was supposed to. He truly seemed to enjoy it. His parents are my sons' godparents, so they spent a lot of time together. He was more like an older brother to them than their cousin.



The night I found out Michael was dead, I turned to Vampirewitch for a shoulder to cry on. I just needed to talk to someone that knew what I was going through. I could have turned to family, but they were all hurting, and I didn't want to burden them any more than necessary. That's just how I am, even when I'm in pain, I don't want to cause anyone else any trouble.



VW talked to me, and offered great advice on how to cope with the loss. In addition to the grief I felt, I was worried about my boys. It killed me to know that they were hurting and that there was nothing I could do to ease their pain. I knew I needed to be strong for them, but I didn't know how to be. VW helped me with that too.



I haven't logged on in almost a week. We went back up to Syracuse at the beginning of last week, and came home Friday. I just haven't been in the mood since then to get online. I'm still not, but I'm forcing myself to be here, and to get back into the swing of things. When I logged on today, VW managed to touch my heart again, by sending me a simple message just to let me know that she was thinking about me and hoping that I was doing okay.



Kay....you have no idea how much your words meant to me. You were a brightly shining light in my moments of darkness. Thank you for being you - a wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, caring person. Someone that I am proud to call my friend. If you ever need anything, anything at all, I'm there for you, no questions asked.

COMMENTS

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Joli
03:41 Nov 11 2008

She's one of the best among us.

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