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I've got bronchitis. :(



No, I haven't been to the doctor for an official diagnosis. There's no need. I've had bronchitis at least once a winter, every winter, for the last 17 years, with the exception of last year. I know all of the signs and symptoms.



I should have known when I had a cold that I couldn't shake that it was going to turn into bronchitis. Well...you know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20. But still....DAMMIT! I'm sick of being sick. :(

My parents left with my 2 kids on Thursday to visit family in NY....and today they brought me back 3 kids. WTF?!??



My 13-year-old nephew, Dylan, came back with them. Since my parents have to work most of this week, he's staying with me. I was never asked about it. There wasn't a phone call..."Do you mind if Dylan comes back with us for the week?" or "Do you have plans for the week?" No...everyone just assumed that I would be okay with it. Well, honestly, I'm not. Any other week, I probably wouldn't mind, but this week, I do.



First of all, I do have plans this week. I have things that need to get done that won't get done now. Second of all, I don't feel well. I have the cold from hell that I just can't get rid of. I've been sick for 3 weeks now, with these last couple of days being the worst. With my kids, being sick or needing to do things isn't really a problem because they're well behaved and quiet most of the time. Dylan, however, is everything you'd expect from a 13-year-old boy. He's loud, he's hyper, he's often annoying, and he has no fear whatsoever. Even on a good day, he threatens to give me several heart attacks just from fear of the wild things he does.



I just can't take it this week. I can't. I was already physically and emotionally drained, and that was before any of the 3 kids even stepped foot through my front door today. Now, after just a few hours with the 3 boys, I'm on the verge of tears, and all I want to do is lay down and sleep for the next month.



I wish the people around me had a little more respect for me. I do every single thing they ask me to do, every thing they expect me to do without being asked. I'm 31. I'm maintaining my own household, raising my children without help....yet my parents still treat me as though I have to cater to their every whim, as if I were still a teenager.



Just in the last 5 days, I have had to scrub the bathrooms (all 3 of them) in my mother's house twice. Now mind you, I did it Thursday morning after they left, and no one has been around since then to use them, but she called me yesterday and told me to do it again because she had company coming in the middle of the week and wouldn't have a chance to get to it herself. I tried to explain to her that I already had done it, to which she replied "Just do it again." I hung up the phone after our conversation and I screamed. She wouldn't have time to do it herself? Who is she kidding? I do it every week anyway. I also do their grocery shopping, clean the rest of their house, do their laundry, do their breakfast dishes, do my step father's lunch dishes, make sure my step father is up in time for work, and make sure there's fresh coffee made for him to take with him and for her when she gets home from work.



They don't ask if I'll do these things for them. They expect them. To make matters worse, I never get a thank you. I never get a "hey, the house looks great." I usually get "well, you didn't do...." or "you missed a spot on the kitchen floor."



I know. I'm too nice. If I had it in my heart to be even a little bit cruel, I would open my mouth and tell them exactly how much I hate them taking advantage of me the way they do. I just can't bring myself to do it though. She's my mother. She raised me. How can I tell her no? And therein lies my problem. I can't tell her no.

Do you ever miss the person that you used to be? That's where I am right now. I am a completely different person now than I was 10 years ago. And honestly....I miss who I used to be.



I don't know why I'm so different now. I don't know where, or when, or how I lost myself. I haven't changed to please other people. I haven't changed while trying to make myself something that I'm not. It just happened. They aren't even positive changes. That's the worst part about it. If they were positive changes, I wouldn't be upset by it.



I'm not talking physically. Physically, I'm the same height and weight I've been since I was a teenager. My eyes are still the same (no glasses or contacts). My skin is still wrinkle free, acne free, smooth and pale as always. My hair is still long, healthy, and shiny.



No, I'm talking mentally. Mentally, I'm a stranger to myself. I was always friendly and outgoing. I liked being around people. I liked being the center of attention on occasion. I liked going out, to bars, or clubs, or parties. Even out to friends' houses for small get togethers. I was adventurous. I had a wild streak. I was always sure of myself, felt good about myself, knew my friends would be there. Oh...how times have changed.



Now, with my kids gone for 4 days and enough money in my pocket to have a good time, I should be out on the town. The only concern I should have is getting myself home in one piece at the end of the night. Unfortunately, I can't muster up the courage to go out. I haven't been able to for the last few years. Who am I kidding? I can't even gather enough courage to make an initial contact with someone on this website. It's pathetic. I may be 31, but on the inside, I'm the scared little girl that I never was while I was growing up. I don't understand it. What happened to me? A better question yet....how do I find my way back?

Well, my much needed vacation has turned into a much unneeded pity party. Too much time on my hands to think. Not just time...quiet time. I don't ever get quiet time unless the kids are gone, like they are now.



I've been trying like hell to keep myself busy, to no avail. I've tried reading, writing, watching TV, playing video games, going for a walk, running on the treadmill, crafting, playing online, cranking the stereo....nothing will quiet my mind. I don't like it. Not at all.

Just finished wrapping the last of the Christmas presents. This is the first time that I've ever had them done before Christmas Eve. I'm normally sitting in the dark on Christmas Eve until at least 1 in the morning, trying to quietly wrap presents, so that I don't wake the boys up. I'm shocked that I'm done with them already. And I even had enough time to spare to make up gift tags on the computer and print them out. Very cool! :)



On another positive note, I was able to use part of my paycheck last week to pick up a couple of small gifts for some people that I didn't think I was going to be able to get anything for. Nothing substantial, but I couldn't let the holiday pass without getting them something, no matter how small.



In case I'm not around again before then....



Happy Holidays VR! I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and New Years. My wish for you all is that each of you get everything that you wish for this holiday season. :)

I received two very nice things in the mail today. The first was a thank you letter from Joli's organization for my donation last month. While most places would have opted for a simple "thank you" written on some sort of receipt, the letter I received was far from that. I understand that it was probably a form letter, but still, I can tell a lot of thought went into the initial creation of the letter. That made it special, and made me feel great for giving even the little bit that I gave.



The second item in my mailbox was an unexpected holiday card from a great friend. His kind words brought a smile to my face.



*****



In other news...



I took the $75 gift card that I got for my birthday and used it to buy groceries for someone else. There really wasn't anything I needed or wanted, and I knew the other people could really use the groceries, so that's what I did. Besides, it made me feel good to use it that way.



Oh wait...I lied. I didn't spend all $75 on groceries for someone else. I did get myself a $1.88 package of peanut butter crackers with the gift card. They're my vice. While others crave sweets or chips, I crave peanut butter crackers. Strange, I know. :P



*****



And, in even more news...



I got a new job! I've been looking for so long for something better that I was beginning to think that I would never find anything else. But lo and behold, something finally came through for me today. While it doesn't pay anywhere near what I want, it does pay more than what I'm making now. And it's a steady 40 hour a week job with the option for overtime, which is far better than the 20 hours I'm working now. Also, the hours are ideal for me. I'll be working Sundays through Thursdays from 4:30 PM to 1 AM before the overtime. I'm not sure what hours the overtime will include, but I know it will put me out of work by 6 AM, which is the latest I can possibly work in order to make it home in time to get the boys up and ready for school. It works out so well that I won't even need to hire a sitter for the boys. I'm extremely happy about it.



So yeah....it's been a good day all around! :)



I made the comment recently to someone that "when it rains, it pours." I always assumed that could only be used when the situation was bad, but I'm finding out these last few days that it can be used in positive times as well. I've never been in the kind of situation where good things happen to me back to back, but it seems that one good thing is happening right after another for me right now. This is definitely one downpour that I'm thoroughly enjoying. :D

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Vampirewitch39
01:19 Dec 09 2008

:) Happy to hear about the job.

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I enjoyed the good feelings that I got from leaving an anonymous compliment for someone. If it made the person smile even a little, I'm happy.



Maybe I out myself with this entry, but that's okay.



I've been thinking a lot about generosity and kindness today. Probably because I'm in a really good frame of mind as a result of someone else's kindness yesterday. Also because of the kindness of my mother today.



Today is my birthday...though it's almost over now. My mother, who is in a difficult financial position, did everything she could to make my day great. She even spent hours this afternoon running around to different stores trying to find me an ice cream cake because I don't like regular cake. Then, when she got home from the store, she made beef stew for me for dinner, which she hates, but I love. She got me a gift card, and bought me 2 sweatshirts so that each of my boys had something to give me for my birthday. All in all...she did more than I would have ever asked for or expected, and she made me feel very special.



Anyway...back to the issue of kindness. I've noticed that when people see someone else act in a kind or generous way, they feel compelled to act the same way. While I find it very nice to see others acting out of the kindness of their hearts, I often wonder if they would have done so if they hadn't seen someone else do it first. I know not all people are like that. Some are kind or generous all of the time. Others...well, unfortunately sometimes others never are.



I tend to find myself in the always generous category. I help out whenever I can, in whatever way I can. I don't need to list the things I do, because what I do isn't important. What's important is knowing in my own mind that I'm doing what I can to make other people's lives a little better.



I do have a point to make here. I don't understand how people can not give to those less fortunate than themselves. Everyone can afford to give something, even if it's just their time. People need help with all sorts of things. Maybe you have an elderly neighbor that needs help with lawn mowing or snow shoveling. Or maybe you know of a single parent that could use a sitter for a little while. Or maybe just lending an ear when someone really needs to talk about something that's on their mind. Think on it for a little while. I'm sure you know of someone that can benefit from something you can offer.



If you live your life being kind to others, know that at some point, maybe when you least expect it but most need it, your kindness will be repaid.

I have a Christmas angel. I never would have expected a miracle, but it happened. Thanks to the very generous nature of a wonderful woman, we will have a great Christmas this year.



A million thank you's could never be enough. You truly are amazing. I've always known you were a wonderful person with a kind heart, but what you've done for my kids and I has bumped my respect for you even higher. Thank you!

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Angelus
14:12 Dec 07 2008

..you deserve good fortune, for the way others have treated you.

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I've just finished reading a book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish that I would recommend to any parent with more than one child, or any who plan to have more than one. I honestly think that even parents with only one child could benefit from reading the book. It's called "Siblings Without Rivalry." It teaches parents how to deal with their children to stop the typical bickering and fights of sibling rivalry.



I was an only child, so the sibling rivalry between my boys is a whole new experience for me. I was so worried that it wasn't normal. I read this book, and found out that, not only is it normal, but what takes place between my kids is mild compared to what could be going on. I've been putting into practice the methods in the book for the last 2 days, and I am absolutely amazed at the turnaround that I've noticed in the way my kids interact with each other. 2 days, that's it. It's like they're completely different children. And the methods are easy. There isn't anything in the book that is difficult to do. Mostly, it's just a change in the way parents interact with their kids that changes their behaviors.



I was skeptical. Normally these kinds of books are written by psychologists that don't have any kids of their own. Not this book. Both of the authors have children, and they have run many workshops to put the methods in the book into practice. Still, I said to myself..."I'll read the book, I'll try what it says, but I won't be surprised if nothing changes." I was blown away when I noticed that things did change. Best of all...because I took the book out of the library, I didn't have anything invested in it other than the time it took me to read it.



These last 2 days, my sons have been acting friendly with each other. That has never happened before.

Why is it that things always happen at the worst times? I just don't understand how that works out. You know the saying "if it wasn't for shit luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all?" Well, that's how it seems to be for me.



Now, right before Christmas, when I was struggling anyway, our furnace stops working. It's fucking freezing in here! Yup...no Christmas this year. I have to get the furnace fixed. :(



Hopefully someone will be out tomorrow to look at it. I pushed and pushed to get them out today, to no avail. I swear, I called that place at least 10 times today. Their answer...."We'll get someone out as soon as we can...no promises though because it's hunting season." SO FUCKING WHAT! If it was just me, I'd deal with it, but I have 2 kids, we NEED heat!



Anyone know anything about furnaces? Any clue how much this is going to cost me?