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Today I completely walk away.

It is time to close the door on fantasy



I must find my way back home. The journey may be hard. But my life is filled with too much good to let a passionate fantasy unspool it.



It was a treasured moment but a travesty in time. I was pulled in by the imaging if what could have been.



the journey was short but well fulfilled. The words and thoughts I will remember for a lifetime.



Good bye my friend though you may never see these words.

Sitting on the patio of a half filled restaurant watching the sun dance off the ice cubes in my cocktail I am reminded of the joy I find in so many things.



My friends that are so dear. We laugh and share and talk as time flies by. We meet rarely but when we do we are instantly those same old friends.



I watched a baby try her first tortilla chip. She was unsure. Daintily licking the edge. Then discovered a flavor she liked and devoured it.



the sun moved down the western sky until we were embraced in the shade. But our stories and laughter continued. Hating to leave such a joyous moment. But looking forward to the time we meet again.



Life is too short to live with sadness, pain and disappointment. Push it away. Don't let it take the life out of living. I want to laugh and play and dance and love. Mostly I just want to be!



Yet in the darkness I will long for the one I miss. I will think of the lessons he taught me. I will want him and cherish him. It will be one more good thing in my life because he gave me something he can never take back. He gave me part of me.

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cadrewolf
08:02 May 29 2015

Beautiful words makes me smile and be there

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A blurriness blankets my brain like a fog hovering over a ravine. The light is above it. Fighting to break through. A stirring in my chest and the arousal of feeling I must ignore.



The weakness only to be explained by the over powering sensation of his lips on mine. His fingers painting my body with precision and love. My body responding with drops of dew. A caress washes the sorrow away. A touch bring sunshine through the fog.



How patiently I waited for his tender words. Like a princess bride awaiting her true love. But the moon did shine the truth thereof that this wolf he did not share her love. But such tales and splendor he did bring. It was like a dawning of a day in spring.



Although this love he does not share I dare to think that he still cares. We make promises that we must keep. the cause of pain and even shame I do not wish to be the blame.



I would choose to be a secret lover. Hidden in the shadows. Waiting for the moments that are stolen. A passion hidden from the light of day. The friends who would judge forbidden from the knowledge.



The words were heavenly there is no denying. The excitement of knowing he was thinking of me. The way he filled my head. Gave me life. Made me check my phone 100 times a day. I was delirious. Now i check my phone 99 times a day. Perhaps tomorrow it will be 98.



You may think me a fool to have fallen for him. But given the chance I would do it again. For words so truthfully spoken will win my soul repeatedly.



Let the day fade to night. I have chosen the expected path of right.

The rush of wind that tangled my hair brought a shiver down my spine. My heart was already feeling the coldness of abandoned love. So hard to walk away from something so beautiful. The clouds that filter the sun also shield the hurt in my eyes. So from time to time I slip back into the mystical night where the moon calls to the wandering wolf. Ever softly speaking his name. As a mantra of love for the forsaken. Oh such sorrow....yet faithful I remain

Can't even write the words I feel. Maybe tomorrow .

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queenofchaos
06:42 May 27 2015

Story of my life

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I am distraught that the words I wrote yesterday were lost because of a computer glitch. I expressed feelings that I never dared. I admitted weakness. I shared disappointment and I opened my soul. But they are gone. I have such feelings that words barely scratch the surface. I told my love I was intrigued by him. He said is that what I am...one word? To which I replied, no darling, you are the love of my life, but it is not meant to be, so intriguing will have to be enough.



This brought me to my thoughts. How we feel about someone if we are honest and true is not a result of how they feel about me, but how I feel about them. In all his tenderness, his words of lovemaking and his caring I know that he loves me not. He is honest and true. And I ask myself does this cause me pain. To which I can in all candidness and honesty reply that the greater pain would come from him only saying the words I long to hear. For many have sworn to love, honor and be faithful to me, while they were not. They tore my soul in half. They were the torment for which i cried a million tears. For this man I shed no tears for myself. I am happy for what he gives me.



I know his heart is pure where I am concerned so when I whisper in the wind that I love him I am confident that he wont run into the shadows never to return. He accepts my feelings knowing that I accept his. I am not sure that he fully understands it. It scares him some. But over time as I hold fast to my feeling and beliefs he will see that I am not a source of pain or sorrow. That when he feels lost and he is discontent he can seek solace and comfort in my words and thoughts. I ask nothing from him but what he freely offers. It brings me joy. It makes me feel important to someone. I gives me hope for success in the never ending search for something. I cant touch it, I cant feel it, I cant define it. I just know I don't have it yet. Is it in him that I will find it? That is uncertain. But the journey we take together opens my mind, my heart and my thoughts.



I am not waiting for something, I am searching for it. I must take control of my destiny. And for him my wish is as I read in a story not long ago, that he always have enough. It was touching and made me think. What is enough. Do I give enough? Do I have enough? Am I good enough. The answer lies in the search.



So I whisper in the wind. I love you. No one can take it away from me. For it is mine alone to give. There is nothing holding it. Grab it or let the wind carry it away. It will blow by yet another day.

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minxee
18:33 May 22 2015

really beautiful words...hope you find wah you searching for.

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The breeze is light. The air is fresh. It is an outdoors kind of day. No phones. No worries just a long walk uphill. But the view from the top was magnificent. I stood alone staring across the valley below. It was quiet. I was the only human around. I wanted for only one thing...to hold my love and to show him how much I love him.



The day wore on into afternoon and back to reality I went. The days was good. As day turns to night my thoughts return to what should have been splendor in the grass.



Interruptions distractions everywhere but there. Come my wolf to the join me at the top of the world.

It is very odd the perception people have about other people. Comments I heard about myself over the weekend. They were made directly to me so I couldn't blame the telephone game on the silliness of the comments



1. So you are a cougar too

No...my husband is older than me





2. Oh you are married. I am so glad to hear that. I ha be seen you here by yourself a lot

Yes. This is my husband



3. So, how many husband's have you had?

Well. So far just one but thanks for asking





4. you don't share your money?

No I have my own and don't need his



My oh my. How do people come up with this stuff. It was highly entertaining. I guess I am just a mystery. Lmao

All I can say is I love my wolf. He smells good. He sings bad and he makes my heart race

While the days weeks and years rush by the moment that he touches me time stands still. Soft and gentle is his touch kind and true his words. The moon rises and sets followed by the sun. Each night ends with the words from his heart. Filling me with peace and joy.

A flurry of thoughts

Chaos and noise

Tumult and joy



Guilt and passion

Selfish and driven

Looking for something



Never enough

There has to be more

The what if and should haves



The I don't want to

The give and take

I am a disappointment to so many



Not by design

Or to be cruel

But to find who I am



To be free

Free of what

Free of whom

What is freedom



Distracted

Just another day so I thought. But fate was to bring me to my love. I walked through the door and his scent filled the air. My hands were clammy. My heart beat quickened. Would I give away my secret. Then he shook my hand and his eyes locked on mine. Time stood still. I lingered there too long. Captured by the green of his eyes. The feel of his hand in mind. He smiled then looked away. The moment passed but my love grew. Such chance encounters complete my day. Someday I shall satisfy his every need . With a feeling so strong he will forget that he has ever been stung by the hurt of another.

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minxee
18:36 May 22 2015

you just made me shed a few tears..i love your feelings.

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This morning I woke with only one on my mind. He haunts me. He takes over my dreams. I chose to wait for him.



I once despised Monday. Now I eagerly await them. Come to me soon my darling. I miss you

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cadrewolf
20:07 May 11 2015

reams bring passion of the passing day for longing only brings the fruitful meaning of the emotion

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I love you

I love you

I love you





I lust you

I lust you

I lust you





I lead your soul to mine with light in the darkness. I serenade yiu with my words.

Who ever left the lovely message on my journal entry thank you. I did some editing and it deleted your comment. I am sorry. You are right to think you wished you knew him because he is the most amazing man. I feel blessed every day because of him

My day is filled with chaos. I am a whirlwind of thoughts and images. My Mind races from thought to thought. It is uncontrollable. I work. I play. Then I love. The inner struggle is giving enough to everyone. I am always on the edge of not quite enough. I feel tied down by rules and other people telling how I have to do things. Or that I have to wait.for them. Or I have to do this first.



Then I think of him. That I love yet hardly know. I hears his words of love and he is the air that I breath. I don't get to hear his voice...but when I do my heart races. When I unexpectedly heard his voice my body froze. It brought an instant smile to my face. But I was not afforded the luxury of speaking with him but a moment.



People speak of him to me...they don't know I know him. They love and praise him. They respect him. It is the part of him I don't know. I feel like a stalker listening and learning while he hides in the distance. Then without warning he appears with his words of love and wanting. Should I feel deprived. Perhaps. But instead I find solace and peace in knowing that the part of him I love no one else knows. It is just mine and mine alone.



While souls wrestle with that which they cannot possess completely I am overwhelmed with a joy that is unexplained. I am where I should be right now. If he is conflicted it is not of my making for I make no demands. I don't want to. I just want to be. For the first time in my life in this one thing I just want to be.



I can't wait for more words. It is the music of my life.

I slept restfully. Weary of the shenanigans of the day. As I lay my head on my pillow I sigh. Frustrated by the weakness of the human brain to tolerate what is unchangeable.



Being a creature that seeks immediate gratification, dedication and completion of a task to see someone sit back and do nothing raises my ire to the maximum degree. It is worsened by the fact that person that is to be my "leader" takes a back seat to the world around him. Chooses to do nothing while the world crumbles. NO I say. Lets get busy. Lets create a better environment. Don't waste a moment waiting for someone else to do it. Lead by example. Create interest and enthusiasm. Do good unto others as you would they should do unto you!



The morning light has me conflicted over just this situation. Is it me that is the problem? Are my expectations just unreasonable. Am i wrong in having any expectation. While I try not to be judgmental of a persons character, i do expect them to meet the responsibilities for which they agreed.



Do I sit back and wait for another year, another leader and let our situation deteriorate even more? Questions questions and more questions. GRRRRR

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cadrewolf
20:31 May 07 2015

like a wolf we wait patiently for our time to strike, incompetence of false leaders who miss guide others only leads to the down fall of their year, if your direction is right filled with heart you will find a way to overcome the wall, yet only time will give the answers to direction you might take hang in there dear

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Nothing irks me more than incompetence and ineptitude. It is frustrating and a waste of my time.



Now i have wasted time thinking about it when I could be making love to the wolf. It is just wrong.

-He is the love I wanted to reach long before I knew he existed, and I think he will remain beyond my reach, but that I love him will be enough to keep me living



Ayn Rand

The sun rises quietly and discreetly over the horizon. Sneaking up on the wolf as he lingers in the dew. He has spied a lovely vixen lying in the grass. She rests easily, her body relaxed, her chest rising a falling without restraint.



He lays down in the brush and observes her innocence. He is entranced by her simple beauty. Clean faced and without the fussing of the worldly facade.



As the sun rises she stirs. Her eyes open and he sees the clear blue of her eyes. The sun shines on her face. She sits up and takes in the warmth of the sunlight. She smiles and runs her fingers through her hair. She stretches, reaching for the sky. then rises to her feet. She is dressed in the sheerest of cloth. it glimmers in the sunlight. Accentuating her breasts and thighs. The wolf stands to watch her. He is well hidden in the shadow of the trees.



Unaware she is being watched she walks gently through the meadow, picking flowers. The sunlight dancing on her hair and skin. The wolf never looks away. He watches her every move. She sings and picks wild flowers. She moves gracefully and carefree. she is uninhibited. she finds a place near the river and sits down. She removes her filmy covering and walks slowly into the river. Her nipples harden from the cold. She breathes deeply and sinks into the water. She tilts her head back and submerges her head into the water. As she lifts her hear up the wolf creeps closer to the rivers edge. He is entranced by the witch. She has captured his imagination. She spins and twirls in the water. as the sun continues to rise in the sky and as more light falls upon the witch she beams with a beauty of which the wolf has never before seen



It is not the beauty of the every day. Or the mystical beauty of a goddess, it is the beauty of innocence. The witch is unaware of her beauty. She enjoys the water and the sun.

Once she has tired of the water she swims to the shore, and lays on the waters edge. Calm and peacefully she rests against a stone. Her body young and nimble. Breasts firm and full. Her legs long and lean. She breathes deeply and her hands run the length of her body. She rests as she dries in the warmth of the sun.



The wolf imagines what he could do with such an object as this. If only he could trust her to keep his secret. To know he was safe and protected in her company. But alas, this is not to be. Perhaps tomorrow, or the day after.



He walks away, filled with wanting and desire. Yet his fear and distrust get the better of him. Tomorrow I will seek again my lovely moonwitch. Tomorrow just might be the day.

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cadrewolf
08:48 May 06 2015

Amazing words. I am entranced by the words upon your pages

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We wake up every day surrounded by outside noise. White noise if you will. The chatter of social media. The tweets and in stag rams invading our minds. But when darkness falls the world slows and the noise quiets we can sit and reflect. Is it important that we shout our love for others to the world? Does it makes us love them more or feel loved more? I am content to share my love with them alone. Not to be shouted from the mountain tops or whispered within the valleys. It is veiled and quiet. Personal and strong. I am learning that love is more about what you give than what you get. Can I make someone smile? Can I show them they are beautiful? Can I show them the mysteries of the universe one word at a time?



Loves only fault is timing. It is wreckless. It doesn't wait for the right moment. It strikes with the arrow of cupid. Not mindful of whether the target is willing to receive it. We can be sad that our love is not returned or we can be happy to have known it. I choose happy. There is so much sadness in the world. Why add to it. Embrace the light. Feel the joy. Veil your passion if you must. But live and love each day fully and completely.

But the journey is timorous. I am filled with joy. I just have to regain his trust. Because it was I that treaded into the forbidden land. I will walk softly remaining cognizant of boundaries and rules. These are important rules in a delicate situation.



I may be totally wrong in my pursuit, but my reasoning is simple and pure. To give joy. In giving I receive. If there is pain, if is self inflicted as the wolf have made no promises. He is honest and true to himself. Wandering in what appears to the onlooker a haphazardous path. However, I understand that is is planned and protected. He is an honorable man.



To love him means to honor him. Near or far..he means everything to me. I will bear my soul only in the pages of the Rave. Thank you for listening without judgment.

May's Full Flower Moon, also called Mother's Moon, Milk Moon, and Corn Planting Moon, marks a time of increasing fertility with temperatures warm enough for safely bearing young, a near end to late frosts, and plants in bloom.



This day has been filled with an anxiousness I find no words to explain. I stalk my wolf for any clue that he has missed me. I think perhaps but I am unsure. The sun slipped past the horizon in a fiery blaze then the full moon burst over the skyline in the wast before total darkness fell. The deep azure of the darkening sky surrounded the flood of light from the glowing orb. My heart raced. For to the wolf. I hope to be the moon.



Its fullness a reflection of my heart for the wolf. Let the darkness of night bring him to my words and let him feel all the love I have for him.



Vampires, I invite you to look to the moon for direction and light. If you have to wait for eternity to have what you love...you are immortal. Make it your destiny.

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cadrewolf
08:09 May 05 2015

For the darkness holds the dreams mortals only wish to achieve

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WOW...all I can say is I have experienced more emotions in the past week than I have in 5 years. Death, Life, love. It is all too much sometimes.



How do we keep our head above it? How do we keep from sinking into the depths of despair? As I read some of journals I am struck by the images of darkness. But if I continue through the years of a single persons journal I see small glimpses of light. It was a fascinating journey. And a tribute to self expression in that the one I was reading extended over 8 years. That is a milestone in itself as many do not have the willpower or dedication or what ever you would like to call it to continue to express and bare their souls so prolifically. I am very impressed.



I dont know if I will have the fortitude to withstand such a journey. But I will give it my best effort if I only make an entry once a month...twice a year of sporadically.



I have felt much pain in my life. I lost my twin sister at the age of 21 to tragic auto accident. She was my other half. When she died half of me died literally. I often feel that all those that I have met since will never know all of me.



My mother died when I was 33. It was a pain I cant even begin to express. She was the smartest, most supportive and strong woman I have ever known. She raised 6 children half of them alone. She worked like a dog and as we got older the big kids took care of the little kids. She was taken at time that she finally knew who she was and what she hoped to accomplish. It was such a loss to society. She was a raving mad liberal. She loved poetry, literature, Beethoven and she loved to have fun. I strive every day to emulate her. (except the raving liberal, she is probably cursing that part of me from the grave). I recently visited her grave and yelled at the Gods for not letting her be with me when I needed her so much RIGHT NOW! My very selfish plea of course.



Finally this week I lost my darling half sister who I did not even get to know until I was an adult. We reunited in our lives at our Fathers Funeral. I guess that makes me an orphan doesn't it? *sigh*. She was kind, thoughtful and caring. She was a giver. A gatherer of people. She wanted our entire family reunited. She introduced me to my younger half brother only a year ago. I actually got to meet him as well. Frankly it pisses me off that she had to go so soon. WAY TOO SOON!!.



But through it all I have kept my strength and most of my sanity. If I find myself hiding in the dark, I look for the light. So you probably ask, what the heck am I doing on a Vampire Rave site. Well to be perfectly honest I dont know. I do know that I needed an outlet for my feelings and this was where i was referred. If you find me tedious or mundane, look away. If you are interested in all kinds of people please come back soon. I have ideas to share and would love to hear yours.



I am having some issue navigating this site, partly I think because I have not been a member long enough and my level is prohibiting me. I will forge ahead until I figure it out.



In closing I wish you all the best. I continue to search for the wolf in hopes that he will take my heart. It belongs to him.

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cadrewolf
08:10 May 05 2015

I am here to aid if you need Sorry for your pain for life is cruel in the ways of death yet we remember in thought and love who have journey on

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Each week we work and wait for the weekend. But this weekend feels like it will last forever. I am on overload. Longing for the return of the wolf. I hope I am not left with just the fleeting memories of moments we shared. The most intense wonderful words of love. The slightest touches. Glances across a crowded room. Talk with out speaking of our feelings.



Magical moments to cherish. Waiting and wanting so much more. But accepting of whatever I am given. This moon witch hopes to cast a spell over the wolf that makes him feel safe and loved like he has never felt before.



Until Monday my heart beats in anticipation. Wrestling with worry and fear the wolf has lost his way. The stirring of the leaves on the breeze... the shadows cast by the moonlight giving me hope.

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cadrewolf
07:14 May 05 2015

Words are the strongest power mortals posses

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Omg...it is finally the weekend. It has been a week of heartbreak...stress and distress. I only hope that when Monday comes I will be united with the wolf. That we will share our words and be happy. I felt him almost here...still he evades me. Not giving me a clue except for a glimmer of hope. Please come to me.

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cadrewolf
08:12 May 05 2015

Presence surrounds you for that evades yet to know his thoughts still carry you and yours him

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Today I felt his breath on my neck. I knew he was closer than he has been in days. Perhaps his disdain for my harsh words is erased by his knowledge of my true feelings.



Or could it be he almost feels the same? For now he hides in the nearby shadows. I will be patient and dismiss my wiles so he can discover himself what he wants



but today...his words in the distance were enough.