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i love my friends, i really do. the true friends that i have are very close to me. they are apat of the best things in my life aside from my children and husband. there isnt muh i would do 4 them. any of them. but when two are in conflict with each other, i find myself in an strange situation. both confide in me, one more than the other. and the one that confides the most is constantly asking about the other one. i cant share anyting either of what the other one says, and sometimes this is very frustrating. and on top of it i gat visions cuz i'm so close to them both. and they both know this. this also makes things hard. they love each other, there is no doubt about it, but one cant commit right now and i'm stuck helpig to pick up the pieces of the other one because of this. and i know they both love me, we are like family.



strangely though i had taken some friends of mine to one of their shows recently. over the weekend in fact. and the friends i brought with me i guess noticed things i never did. yes they noticed the love between the two. and the conflict that plagued them both, but then i was informed that she wasnt his only conflict. but i knew this or so i thought. i knew there was another girl, but he had dumped her and he didnt seem in conflict with this. but he was out of sorts that night. the normal affection he shoul to everyone including me wasnt there. i wasslightly disturbed by this, but let it go because there so much going on in his life right now, its unreal. so i chalked it up to that. the friends i brought and i followed them ad their band to both cities they were playing at and dispite the fact He was off, all had a good time. but it was brought to my attention he watched me, i knew this too. it was part of an agreement my husband and he made. and when i explained this, my friends said it was much more and asked if i was really that blind. problem was, as i said, he wasnt acting like his normal self. normally he comes over and hugs me alot and gives me kisses on te cheek and when he's preforming he comes down onto the floor to sing to me and with me, and then there is the times during the preformance he searches me out to grab my hand. this all do to our friendship and the arrangemant my husband and he made. he was doing none of this. infact he only came over to give me the first initial hug so i could introduce my friends ad seemed to stay distant from me there after, except to talk to the new friends i had brought with me. i didnt really mind, why would i. they wanted to meet the band and my friends, with the hope we all could be friends and this is quite possible the way things went. but as i saidto me and the girl he's normally with, his energy was way off. it was causing me anxiety and i told him this. he just shook his head and acknowledged that i was right. then towards the end of the night he was more himself, but not quite. we all went inside the club to get a beer. and the normal touches i was use to, he did. but he touch me and then release me and then touch me again. it was normal sorta and i was happy for it. it felt like him in that instant. and when we left, he was starting to act like his normal self. and as always when i leave, i gave everyone a hug and a kiss on the cheek. but with him, he turned his head and actually kissed me. it was short and nothing to brag about. a quick peck if you will. it didnt startle me really but i was a little surprised, he had never done THAT before, just kisses on the cheek or on top of the head. just normal affection. he is an affectionate person and i know his touches mean nothing and even my husband believes this. but the two friends i brought with me this weekend, think otherwise. infact they told me on the hour drive home tha the reason he and this one friend of ours arent together was because of feelings he was harboring for me. i laughed and tried to explain that was just him and the way he was. i even explained how he hadnt done the normal things he usaually does. then they explained to me that whether or not he did, they noticed the looks, and the emotions he was putting off when he was around me. they told me i was completely blind, but he is a friend of both my husband and i, so he would never over step his boundries. as a test they asked me to ask him not what h was thinking about when he wrote this one song, but who was he thinking about when he recorded it and who was he thinking about when he sang it on stage. again ilaughed at them and agreed to do it. problem was however, when i asked him these things, he avoided the question all together and just told me who wrote what parts of it and this i already knew. and when i told my friends this, their response was "see, we told you. he would have answered you if it wasnt you he was thinking about." the thing with the song is even though most of the lyrics arent seductive, his voice is. especially with certain words. i had never noticed until it was pointed out to me. he is my friend and my brother in most things. but my other friends explained this is why he isnt the one thats so open when he talks to me about certain things, because i am part of it. i dont know if i should believe this or not. funny thing was when i talked to my husband about some of this, about the looks and the affection part of it, he said yea, he knew. he saw it. but he believes like i do, there is nothing really there, affection maybe and yes he believes our friend has something for me, but nothing to worry about otherwise he would have never asked the guy to watch over me and be my protector when he wasnt there. and you know what? i really dont care what others think, whether any of it holds merrit. but it does explain why when we're all out and about he's kept a distance from me lately. but i have noticed when my husband is with me, he shows more affection openly and neither seem to mind. so i dont get that either, but the two that went with me say its because with my husband around he can trust himself and not so much when he's not. i've also watched him escort other men away from me when he's "watched over" me, but i take that as again the agreement my husband and him have. and i've seen a semi agressive side of him concernig people being near me, but i take that as just watching over me. he's always been an affectionate person, sometims a little touchy feely, but thats just the way he is and he is about the only guy my husband will let come near me in that manner. hell, even his own bandmates arent allowed to touch me the way this one does. so i really think my friends are off their rocker on this one, at least i hope. i would really hate to step away from a friend whom i do love. that would just suck. he has amazing energy and we share ours time to time. that is a connection i can admit to and would be very saddened to lose.