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i saw this particular issue in the polls of another site that i frequent. none of the answers reflected my opinion so i decided to journal it.

question of physical attractiveness in regards to becoming emotionally and physically aware of another individual in an intimate way depends on so many things. how can a person become attracted to someone whom they have never even seen a picture of for example? the answer is simple.

actually getting to know them.

if you fall in love with a person and finally meet them in person after never seeing a picture and only speaking to them or maybe not even having heard their voice, would it matter if when you meet them they are physically unappealing?

i think that question stops a lot of people from meeting in person. what if the images on the persons profile are only an image that the person wants to project? example: a woman who only posts graphics of thin, perfect women rather than photo's of herself. lots of women do it.

OK so let us say that physical appearance can attract a persons attention, what then?

what is the attractive persons responsibility to the potential partner? i personally do not think beauty is enough, i want depth. i want to be able to carry on a meaningful conversation about anything and everything.



i guess it is in the eye of the beholder. how important is physical beauty to you?

COMMENTS

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xXShadowDravenXx
12:30 Mar 28 2009

Looks are not important to me, To be able to sit down and talk to someone and reach them on the same level is more important than being thin, muscled, fat or bald, its the person with in who is important.

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chrysanthemia
12:47 Mar 28 2009

I find the physical beauty in people I like. I'm an artist, as you know, and I like the fact that I find nearly everyone beautiful in some way. So that doesn't matter to me. What I want is what's inside.

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VAMPIREBLONDEE
13:47 Mar 28 2009

Physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Knowing someone and being their best friend is where the love is. To love someone inside first, and then meet them, all the more better... to know one fell in love with them and not their looks...*sighs*..love sees with the heart.

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all alone on a Saturday. i don't think that has ever happened. my daughter is at her best friends house, my Husband is at work and defeated1 is gone all day at his first paying job. if he does well then he will be busy every Saturday this spring and on our neighbors days off through the summer.

he is looking forward to buying himself new shoes and new jeans. i think this will be good for him.

i remember my first paying job. i was 8 years old and babysat a 2 year old up the road every weekend for about 75 cents an hour. i cooked and cleaned, gave him baths, did the dishes and some weekends

i would arrive at 7am and leave at 11:30pm. most times i made $30-$35 a weekend. i usually ended up handing it over to my dad for groceries.

if i ask d to help out at all i think it will just be things like paying off or down his own school lunches until i can pay for them myself, buying his own clothing and shoes again for the same reason.

he needs them and we just can't afford them right now.

i hope he is having fun.

well back to smoke free. i have to say i prefer it even if it does make me irritable. my Husband finished the last one in the pack He bought Sunday "for emergencies only" last night. yes i helped.

this morning He was not as cheerful as He has been since Sunday, i will say that.

i dressed pretty for Him before He left for work so he has something to look forward to on Saturday.

today was my second cake decorating class. i had to make the frosting, add the coloring and frost and decorate it. it went well i think, anyway it was fun. i also started learning to make roses and clowns. next week is cupcake clowns. i think Hubby will opt out of the tasting on that one, LOL. He hates clowns, yet somehow has a fondness for women made up to look like evil clowns, hmmmmm...ok digressing here.

we spent all day yesterday listening to an 80's station on iTunes radio and it was so cool! it made me very nostalgic, so much in fact that i made up a new playlist that i was finally able to post to myspace (jerks) all 80's music that i loved when i was a young un.

i think i added every Wham and George Michael "Faith" song i could find, LOL.

so as of my last log on yesterday my Husband had $10 to use in any way He saw fit. He managed to talk Himself into buying a pack of cigarettes. just a buffer He said. i did smoke one yesterday and woke up with a headache this morning that turned into a migraine this afternoon. i blame the cigarettes. He has smoked about half of the buffer pack since yesterday, i smoked 2 and a half but i think i still want to quit. not smoking for 5 days, i had slept better, my mouth tasted better to me. the only big problem i was having was lack of attention span. we will see what happens.

we still cannot afford to splurge and damn they went up to almost 5 bucks!

OK enough about that, i did say and then some....

lately our mealtime conversations have been interesting.

as the young people in the home grow and become more sophisticated we discuss current events, politics, the economy and even religion. last night was no exception. i was once again going on about South Carolina teaching religion in the schools. Bible study during and after school even the Social Studies textbooks have no less than 2 chapters on Christianity, one of them being a chapter about Christ.

one term was dedicated to the study of Monotheistic religion with no mention of Celtic or even of the history of the Scottish and Irish. Native American history and culture also finds little or no mention in these books. i find it disgusting and appalling. they did cover the Egyptians at length and in fact are going to visit the exhibit in Atlanta this month. it was at this point when my Husband and myself were finally alone at the table that He mentioned to me that people used to worship the penis.

"yes" i said, "people did indeed use the phallus in worship and ceremony. in fact all over the world at this very moment billions of people are are praying while actively worshipping and using the penis. how can The Deity concentrate on one voice or prayer with so many crying out 'OH GOD OH GOD'!"

my Husband came home last night and we had a nice little dinner.

i had chili cooking all day and baked a nice little cornbread. things were pleasant. took the little shower and finished watching IRobot, good movie.

this morning He woke up chipper, i couldn't believe it.

it was nice to see though. most often when He is home He is hypersensitive and every little thing sets Him off.

sometimes i think He really hates coming home at all.

this morning though, we listened to iTunes radio networks and joked around. it was nice. then i asked Him what i should make for breakfast....

it seems that reminders of the financial situation trigger His anger. starting with the discussion of what i could and could not make He began to get dismal. then during breakfast as we were listening to the BBC discuss economics and foreign matters.

i find it enjoyable and even the boy tried to get in on the discussion of local and national economy, he watches the news every night and saw the thing about the custodian job that got 700 people applying for it.

i mentioned off hand that His best friends hubby was maybe going to be working in Afghanistan and His response?

"Lucky guy."

and He meant is the thing! He wishes he could go back!

He misses it over there!

that hurts my feelings pretty regularly and i always swallow the hurt and tell Him that i am sorry He feels bad.

not today though. today i told Him that i was sorry he couldn't be over there instead of here and i guess for the first time He realized how much it hurts me to hear Him say that all the time. He got up from the table all angry and stormed outside to cool off. He came back inside in a little better mood.

i think He brought home a little bug too. my nose has been itchy and i keep needing to blow :(

this morning i was awakened early by a phone call from my Husband. surprisingly He has been sleeping well and been in a very good mood since Wednesday. someone gave him a pack on Wednesday afternoon but He felt guilty about being able to smoke while i was at home without anything, so sweet. i on the other hand have been experiencing extreme attention deficit more than anything else. yesterday it was so bad that He considered purchasing a pack just to have around to take the edge off.

who would have believed that i would be the one who needed help!

i got the entire house clean and dinner is cooking before i even got on the computer. i even took a shower first. i want things to be nice when He gets home.

this afternoon He says that just thinking about coming home makes Him crave a smoke.



Day 4

the hardest part at the moment is that periodically and especially when i am on the phone or outside, i have the intensive imagery about lighting a cigarette. i am broke so i can't buy any. i don't have anyone to bum from. my Husband definitely has the better end on this. He has a little cash on Him (gas money) that He can use to take the edge off. He has coworkers who will buy Him a pack if He gets to crazy. i worry about His well being more than anything and if i am having issues with attention span and cravings then i know He is REALLY suffering.

there is no school today and my son who ordinarily will not say shit to me, instead he prefers to be angry and sullen, has chosen this morning to babble endlessly about things at school.

normally he does this while i am typing a blog so that is no different. usually i find myself wanting to yell at him at trying not to because i do want to know what is going on...today it is worse than fingernails on a chalk board.

i am struggling with the title of these journals. i don't want to be obvious but i worry that people will get annoyed with the repetitive title, although people annoy me all the time.

a case in point is on another site, three people, one of whom used to be a friend all looking at my profile but not talking to me. why do they stick out to me? the three of them all together make a little bouquet. the invasion of the flower people! granted, i don't think the other two have viewed my profile before and i understand how i could seem intimidating but the one who used to be a friend could at least say something. yikes what is the point of visiting an old friends profile over and over and not so much as a word.

it is creepy.

maybe right now i am just a little unbalanced. i need to go cook breakfast so i am going to quit rambling now.

Day 3.

i am very optimistic about our goal to just make it through to the 17th of April. thank you so much to those who are already showing their support. it is appreciated, so much.

a support system is very much key. i am hoping that i can commit myself to the daily logging and updating for purposes of maintaining perspective and goal orientation.

yes when i am agitated, even mildly i tend to speak clinically and use big words. yes i will readily admit that i am not "cool as a cucumber". the thought of talking on the phone disturbs me a great deal. i tend to smoke a lot while i am on the phone.

as i am typing this, i am watching TV episodes on my favorite viewing website. it keeps my mind busy. the episode of Fringe i am currently watching is killer!

a friend is teaching me cake decorating in the hopes that we can turn it into a small business, just a little something to enable us to make mad money purchases.

i have also decided to stop biting my nails.

this compulsion to gnaw on the ends of my fingers is such that i have damaged my cuticles, probably irreparably. my nails are to the quick, i couldn't even pop a pimple should the need or desire arise. i am trading in the nicotine for nail polish.

i haven't talked to my Husband yet. He usually does not call on Wednesday night. i am looking forward to His phone call tonight.

Day 2.

COMMENTS

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Vampirewitch39
16:51 Mar 12 2009

You go girl! Think in 30 days you will feel better and have more $$. Hang in there. :)

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moonkissed
00:53 Mar 13 2009

the $$ will definately go to good use too :)

thanks for the support Vamp!

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no this is not Spurlock revisited. this is life as we know it.

from today until the 17 of April me and Hubby will be smoke free. of course the driving force behind this sudden need to be free of nicotine and the ashtray smell has nothing to do with health (let's be honest). it is all about money, a $30 a week habit and frankly it is more than we can afford right now. the 17th of April marks the day when we can afford to purchase cigarettes again.

call it a test of endurance. the day may come and go without ceremony and we could be free. somehow i doubt it.

let the count down begin...Day 1.

at what point should we hold our kids completely accountable for their own actions? Jed is 13 and i still get up most school days at 6 to make sure that he gets to school OK, most days. this morning i didn't feel like getting up so i said screw it, he always catches the bus. worse case scenario JC (yes his real first and middle initials,LOL) leaves the front door standing open and i catch it when i wake up.

this morning he fell asleep and woke up right after the bus left, asking me if the Buick works. yes the Buick runs but it is not registered, it is not insured and i do not have a license right now. maybe i could take it to the store on the corner but down the freeway to RMS? nope sorry kiddo.

so he is home today. argh no video games or computer so he will be driving me bugshit by trying to talk to or over me while i am on the phone, trying to talk to me about his video game while i am trying to relax with a nice comfortable hulu....i love him and i want him to talk to me but he never talks to me about the important stuff especially when i ask him directly, *sigh.

i am still trying to figure how he can stop being so tired in the morning, coffee is not an option. it puts him to sleep.

oh well and now he knows that i am typing so the talking starts......i guess i better cook him food.

COMMENTS

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ladySnowStrixx
17:33 Mar 05 2009

Sweetie there are just some kids you have to keep helping as in reminding them to get up , shut the door , don't miss the bus . they will eventually get it , and thank you for helping them.

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Sunday morning we were wakened by a rain deluge of "biblical proportions".

it was raining hard and was very loud, in fact the bathroom vents even started to leak.

the weather called for snow but at 8am it was looking unlikely. there were pond sized puddles on the ground in the neighbors yard.

our own driveway had turned into a creek.

the weather reports continued to pour in hourly from The Weather Channel that snow was headed our way.

around 4pm the rain was still falling hard and the temperature was riding about 41 when we began to see sleet and wet snow.

the neighbors on the right of us were gone for the weekend and had asked me to watch the dogs but their son had showed up Saturday night. at 4pm he and his girlfriend were packing up and leaving with some serious urgency.

around 4:30 the first real snowflakes began to fall along with the temp(by that time 37 and dropping). snowflakes roughly an inch in diameter falling fast and sticking even to the tops of the puddles.

within an hour over an inch had accumulated and we were all jubilant.

what were we thinking? the freeway is near the house and we walked up to check things out. traffic had slowed, our collie was wearing a feathery white coat of snow(hehehe)and the neighbors on the left were beginning to enjoy what was appearing to be an actual snowfall. we were all predicting a snow day for Monday and the kids got it.

by the time the sun went down we were looking at about 4 inches and it was still falling.

the weather alert was until 7am.

when the lights began to flicker my Husband told me to hurry up and fix a quick dinner as he was expecting we would lose power.

i hate it when he does that, He always seems to be right. we did. at around 9:30pm there was a blue flash and the lights began to flicker and dim. i went outside and saw quite a light show on the horizon. the sky lighting up pink, green. blue...really pretty. a few more flashes of blue around us and the houses on my corner went dark. all told about 8 homes, the surrounding homes still lit up. Oh BALLS!

the temperature was still dropping so my Husband brought in the gas grill for heat.

do not try this! for us it went well but we were probably lucky and He had experience with these sorts of things from living in Michigan.

i expected the power to be back on by morning. no such luck. by early afternoon we were still in the dark with no phone so as soon as the roads cleared i suggested checking on friends. someone might have power and if need be we might use them :)

so off we went, to the Parrish home.

their power had just come back on.

they gladly took the kids for the night and sent us home to brave the cold alone with a thermos of hot coffee and a phone that did not require electricity.

the power came on later the next day and i think all told accumulation neared 6 inches. today the snow still clings to us for dear life but warmer weather is ahead.