I do what I want to do so I have no regrets
04:09 Mar 18 2010
Times Read: 510
damn it all. i have caused this whole conflict. i feel guilty but not regretful. theres no point for me in mourning, i have to make the best of the situation, which is worse than mourning for i am not ignoring the problem but confronting it slowly but surely. everything that is going on....makes life seem....tasteless i should say. i.....need to do something about it.everything that i see....makes me feel horrible in the way that i caused it. i feel shot in the chest. ugh.....i dont feel well. my health is well, its my spirit that is destroyed. my spirit is in bad condition for i am barely able to control it. its at its limit where i can fall into madness easily, causing....danger i shoild say it in a plain way. may God helpme in what im going to do for it is what will determine the outcome of what is going on, it can either bring happyness or sadness for our lives. *sigh* time is moving so slow. i feel like those soldiers who want to see the ray of the morning sun during a siege for reinforcements, for a better day. everything seems....different. i have changed slowly but surely.
......fuck.....(rant i guess,especially the second paragraph, pretty much no one else would understand it besides me and you)
07:24 Mar 09 2010
Times Read: 521
well there are two reasons. one is about the fact that my friends are all saying about me destined to be a general/soldier and me reincarnation of a soldier just cause i told them of my hunch that of my brothers, ill be the first one to get involved in a military conflict and the weird dreams of me in the military. now dont think that im a military fanactic, i am not. i dont like war since all it does is bring misfortune to all but i wont hesitate to use force. if this is what they call destiny, i am not afraid of this fact, its just that i dont like it.
damn it. i think i know the feeling that soldiers have when they are losing. slowly all communication was being severed until suddenly, you have cut all communications. why? this is just making me feel more terrible. i feel as if a spear or bullet has pierced my chest. i feel like those experienced soldiers who suddenly start acting like rookies, making stupid mistakes and volunteering for missions that would make them die. everything is falling apart. the recent messages have left me with no purpose. i feel like those soldiers who have spent most of their lifes fighting and suddenly peace with a message "youre services are no longer required". emptyness i have. goddamnit just say it. i am not sure if youll understand but have i not served you loyally, following you and helping you at times when i can do something else? say it, bring peace to my mind, im dying in my spirit. it doesnt have to end with regret and sadness. life now seems dull without you. food that is supposed to taste good now arent, games are boring, books the same, tv too, water and juice are tasteless liquids, cant concentrate on what people say, saying stupid stuff that dont even make sense. remember the times when we were together, happy and laughing, together alot of times, usually next to each other, most likely people got used to seeing us together? please dont make me think of these times with the way things are, they make me sad instead of happy. god, im dying in here. all of these actions have made me a man dying in spirit. its a wonder that i have not snapped with all of the pressure that im getting at the moment. one could only endure so much before the spirit gets broken.
damn it all
06:36 Mar 06 2010
Times Read: 527
je ne sais pas mais je ca va tres mal. dammit, dont ask me why i just do right now. its bad enough that altough last week was a defeat, it has not brought me down. it is what came out of that confrontation that is bringing me down. i can only hold on to my sanity for so long. so many defeats is starting to take its toll on my spirit slowly but surely. i know not the reason why this has occured but i aim to find out. i must break the stalemate that has occured in order to relieve my mind of this madness that has taken hold of my mind, something that i have not experienced. even if the result would shatter my morale, it will bring a state of peace to my battered mind knowing what is exactly going on because i do not like to walk in the dark when i can just turn on the light, even if that has a cost to turn on the light. altough i may look like a fool, its better to be a smart fool than a idiotic fool.
je ne sais pas mais this lyrics from this song that i have heard in a youtube video about a video game walkthrough (yes i was bored enough to see one) like 2 years ago have slowly resurfaced from my memory to haunt me. the two lines that are assaulting my sanity are (i think they go like this) "when did the storm begin?" and "call me my name"
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