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Love, it is a word that has many meanings or types. There is the love of your childern that is truely unconditional. My kids have done many things to me that has pushed me towards that thin line. But no matter what I have never stopped. Then there is the love as in being "in love" I have felt that way a few times in my life. The first time I remember feeling that love I was in high school, there was one person that I would have done anything to be with, but the feelings that were returned were a great friendship. He eventually married someon very close to me. Then I met my first husband, he became my world, we had to beautiful babies together. I wanted to grow old with him and had this dream of being like my Mama and Papa. But things happened and we had to go seperate ways, it killed me inside from my pain of lossing what I thought was my world and the pain my kids went though. I then went though a time were I did the love that was really kind of lust. Now on to my second husband. We have been together eight years, married for five years, we have a beautiful baby girl,6. I think at first in our relationship I loved him, but maybe not like I should have, it was kind of I didnt want to be alone. In the last year we have went though a very bad time. I had to watch him be sentenced to prison for nine months for something he didnt do. And at the moment they were taking him out and seeing the look on his face I felt more love for him then I have ever felt. But I sometimes dont think he feels the same. So I sit here wondering what the next few months are going to hold. He comes home in 50 days and I have told him there are things that need to change. Ohhh well we will see. So I sit here, starting a new life going back to college, trying to better myself and wondering if he will be a part of it. LOVE.......... what is it really!!!!

Why is it that people have to be such jerks to you, when you have been there for them and done everything you can for them? that is a good question I have asked myself many times over the span of my life. The next question is, why am I drawn to that kind of people. I deserve alot better. I feel I have always been a good person that puts everyone else before me. I also have tried many times in the past to put myself first, but damn it I always feel guilty and go back to my old ways. I know this is not much of a journal entry. But just the thoughts on my mind at the moment.

I thought I would start my own stand up type jounal entry. To start at the begining. Back in March I had to have most of my teeth pulled out due to infection. I am a diabetic and the infection was keeping my sugar up. So I now have full denture on top and a partial plate on bottom. The bottom has been giving my problems, sore spots and things. I remove them alot. Well last night I was getting ready to put my teeth in their container and I realized that I didnt have the partial in, so I went to get them off the computer table and OMG they were not there. I went in to panic mode trying to remember when I had them last. I only rememebered them in the truck coming home from school. So an all out teeth hunt began. We turned the house upside down. There was 4 of us looking. Under the bed every where. I ended up giving up for the night but I couldnt sleep, yes I was crying. They cost $465.00. Well this morning I tried to go back through everything in my mind, where I went and what I did. After calling to find out how to replace them, I all of a sudden had this feeling to clean out from under my bed. You see I have this beautiful lil min-pin named Fawn who is my baby(pup). She and my other dog drags stuff under there, toys, paper, anything they get a hold of. Its like a treasure chest. Well as I am brushing everything out andpicking it up I look down and there are my teeth. The whole thing became clear, Fawn is the only one who gets on my bed, I remembered eating candy and my teeth hurting and I laid them on computer table, Fawn stoled them. I was so glad to find them. And yes I sanitized them reallllll good.

It goes to show you (and myself) that as long as you keep an open mind it doesnt always have to get worse. I started out on my way to school for my second day at college and I get pulled over by a cop for speeding, but bless his heart, he only gave me a warning. I just knew that this was a sign of another bad day. My first day of school I ended up crying and asking myself why I thought I could go back to school at 44 and pass Algerbra. Well for some unknown reason I just kept myself in a positive mood. Found that I was not doing so bad in Algerbra. I kept myself in a good mood. POSITIVE THINKING!!

I have never kept a journal before. I have tried many time to keep a diary, but usually does not last very long. The longest was maybe 2 months. I am a very proud mother of 3 great kids, I know everybodies kids are great, right? But mine really are. lol! Samantha is 18 and getting ready to start college in August. She is a very smart girl. You all know her on here as Sammerz 420 and 422. My son Aaron is 15, he is a freshman in school. We just had a very scary moment with him, he had a quad wreck, and we are very very lucky to have him still with us. He is know on here as XXXMONSTERXXX. And last but not least there is Kenzie, she is 6 and I must say keeps this house going. I love all of my kids!!! As for me, well I dont feel I am very impressive. I have been married twice, still in my last marrage. It will be 5 years in July. I have driven a school bus for going on 11 years. I am currently enrolled in college and I start class on June 8th. I am very excited about it. Going for my Accounting degree. Maybe just maybe someday I will be able to better myself for my kids and my family. Enough for now, I will try to write more later. If this is boring, I am sorry, but it is my life.LOL

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sammerz420
21:19 Jun 05 2010

It's not boring mom.. And I love you with all of my heart :)

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