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February i was really working on school work and trying to juggle my home life, school, life, my relationship, friends, and my responsibilities all together.



My teacher had me and my mom come into my school and talk about ground rules, I wanted to leave and once she knew that, she then wanted me to stay. The last fight we got into he kept trying to hit me and threw violent blows, she was really hurt and my father and brother had to hold her back and guard me. It was awful.



I had had enough and something needed to change before we really, permanently hurt each other. I guess my mother had came into my school and she was yelling and blaming the teachers for my actions (this is what my teacher told me) She was saying they could have me and she didnt know what to do with me anymore and that is why my teacher called the meeting.



I had set my ground rules by which i me and my mom would follow. To keep the peace in the house and rules that were tolerable so i would still live at home. She agreed to them and the rules have been working so far. Things have been running more smoothly.



Before this jail stuff hit Keith had told me that his father had shot him and that was why he had a scar on his stomache, I saw the scar and i was shocked. I believed him.



During this moth however, He had told me the scar was from a bicycle accident. I confronted him about the situation and he told me he was telling people him dad shot him so that his father would get in trouble and go to jail. Keith said his father deserved it because apparently his father is extremely abusive. I didnt know what to believe and i told him to leave my house immediately.



I broke up with him after that. If my father was abusive, i would want to get him for abuse if i was trying to get him in jail at all. It was something i just couldnt agree with and the truth of the matter is, is that either way he had lied to me and i had showed real emotion for something that he made up. That was fake and after all the shit i put up with. It was upsetting. Still is really. I had been nothing but honest with him. I had opened up to him. It was awful.



I was still friends with him on and off but finally i had decided it would be best if he was out of my life, something i needed to realize a long time ago.



Life has been a lot better now that he is gone sadly. I find myself happyier, more stress free, and just better all in all. I have made new friends and even made old relationships closer. I had started really talking to this kid named Scott and he is just one of the most amazing people i have ever met. He really means the world to me. I also started talking with my friend Matt again. I had really missed them. Im truely in love with their being.



My best friend Kristen had mover away to Job Corp on March 2nd and i miss her and love her with all my heart. She really need to go though and pursue her dreams. She has become more positive and i can see the beautiful change within her, She is becoming more confident, self loving, understanding, and all in all better. It is an amazing thing to watch her grow. She is like my other half, Like a wife, a sister, my child, my shoulder to cry on, my everything really. Everything that means anything to me she is in. I just wish i was there to help her but this is a situation that she needs to learn on her own. I guess i get overly motherly and extremely protective. I get that way with my loved ones.

But she needs this chance for herself and i have had to watch from the side lines, half grinding my teeth and half smiling wildly.



Spring break has started and it has given me a lot of time to write, read, work, and catch up on my social life. It has given me time to catch up with myself, I am trying out new things, going places, and pursuing the things i love as well. Things are looking brighter and i believe it will continue to be pretty bright. I cant wait to graduate from High school and start college.

I am working towards great new things and i hope to carry some old things as well.



I hope things dont go down hill again but i expect them to.

This isnt going to be easy. But all in all it will be brighter in my life.

I will keep writing and writing in my journal when i can. My story isnt finished until i close my eyes for good.

Ill be writing :)

COMMENTS

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SuicideDoll
10:25 Mar 27 2010

You've certainly had a few whirlwind months, but it's nice that things have improved and worked out overall. School, new friendships, and the singing all sound very promising. Best wishes.

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POST COMMENT

The begining of January went pretty smoothly.



I was seeing Keith still and i was hanging out with friends

Working on school trying to graduate and it was all pretty calm until a week into the month.



Me and m,y mother started having huge problems and arguements.

Huge arguments.

She wanted me to leave the house and i dont blame her because some of the things i said to her were rotten. But i was honest. I told her i hated her. I do. I that the person my mother is but i will always love her, for she is my mom. Well the fights broke out and my house had turned into a war zone. I didnt get home until late and when i did come home i would go to the bathroom, then go to my room and shut the door.



I had even fought with my father a bit because he had such issues with Keith being around me.

This one time he woke me up at 5:30am to yell at me and argue. Boy, was i pissed.



Keith was still going to court, the put him on a ankle bracelet, he had to check in with his officer, and he had to go to AA meetings every Monday and Wednsday. He got off easy.



Working on school work was a great deal of the rest of this month.

And my College Prep class was a huge part in my succsess with all of this.

My teacher had us write poems considering the book we were reading was made up of poems. They had helped me a lot and that class means the world to me. They had really helped me feel better and gave me the space that was needed to vent my problems. I am truely grateful they were there.

Well lets see...



It has been a great long time sense i have been able to write in my journal.



The past few months have been really hard but i am still alive and thats what counts.



Lets start in November where we left off shall we?



It started well enough.

I had gotten a new boyfriend named Keith and i had reconnected with an old friends who i had discover was pregnate with her second child. I was ecstatic about the baby news and happy to help in whatever way i could. I gathered bay clothes and furniture and i let her family stay with me until they decided to leave.



Not a pretty ending, they ended up stealing some of my clothing and stealing money from my brother. I had to confront her about it. And of course her scum bag fiance wouldnt admit he took the money (My friend wouldnt do that) and i knew she wasnt going to admit that he took it and she would never and couldnt leave him because she depends on him and he is the father of both children so i said goodbye to all of them.



Now that was terrible because i have known her for 6-7 years. It hurts.





Ha but that wasnt even the worst part.

Two days later, during a school assembily, i find out that my boyfriend and one of my good friends is in jail.



Both were charged with

Three Harassment charges

and Disorderly Conduct a Misdimeanor.

Both on a 500,000 bail.

The two of them were worth One Million Dollars.

I couldnt even believe it.

I was so pissed, and hurt. I started sending them letters in jail, went to the court dates and even spoke on Keiths behalf.



He told me the worst part about the jail experience is that he couldnt see me because the law was holding him there



I told him the worst part about this experience is that i could leave him

I could not talk to him and just leave him there in jail. But i loved him so fucking much that i couldnt. I could roam anywhere and be anywhere and they only place i wanted to be was in a jail cell with him. I imprisoned myself to be with him.



It was ridiculous, ive never felt so stronglt about a man before.

Absolutely ridiculous.



On top of this i get a call from my friend Blade and he tells me that my friend Jason had gone to jail too. The Jason i mention on my profile who has helped me out soo much. Jason who is like my Vampire Dad. Gone. Although i really dont know what happened with it all. All i know is this was the lonliest period i have experienced so far in my young life. I still have yet to talk to him. It has been months...



Keith and Martin. My Boyfriend, My friend were gone. Locked away.



After a month and a half they were released.

It wasnt long but at the time it felt like a year sense i had seen him. (I only got to see Keith)

Martin and I had ran into some problems.

He was texting me and he kept telling me he was going to lie in court about the situation. Not only that but a few days later it turns out Matrin had told a lie about me to Keith that effected our relationship.



I told Martin he was a liar and i did not wish to be friends with him any more. He started threatening me, said he was going to send friends over to collect money that Keith owed him and that he was going to set my house on fire. They last thing he said was to send reguards to my father.

I was frightened and called the police after that happened.



Two days later Martin was arrested again and put in a holding cell until his trial date.

Keith missed christmas with me but had been there for New Years

I was happy to see him, things stated looking but,

But like always, when that happens its bound to fall.



The family had confronted me about the situation of course because it was all over the news and had became a state famous case. They were concerned which i understand but i was totally, as much as i hate to admit it, in love with him and was trying to make it work. I dont quit that easily but i think maybe i should have.

I would of been better off.



I had talked to officer after officer, lawyers, lawyers assistants, Social workers, judges, even the State Atterney and the District Atterney. It was a huge mess.



To make it worse i got attacked my a dog. Keith lived in a house with his uncle and his uncles friends. Well his uncles firends had a very unfriendly dog and i was walking out the door and the bastard bite my leg. I have a scar because of that now. I should of sued because apparently that hasnt been the first time the dog has bitten someone.



There was some good in these months though.

I began to pick up on my art work again and i had a singing audition that turned out really well. They want to put me on their album. Im really exited for that. My grandparents had also come into town and it was really nice seeing them. See? not all bad lol

Im sitting here listening to my family talk about movies, t.v. shows, and shit that doesnt even fucking matter. Its all most people i know do or gossip. This cant be what life is. This cant be the meaning. I refuse to make this my life, its no life to live. What is the meaning to life?



It cant be tv or movies or gossip or media. The surface to society is nothing to claim worth living. I believe its what makes you happy but for the most part everyone i see settles, gets caught up in society and isnt happy. Am i not looking deep enough? I feel like something is wrong with me or has the world truely gone mad?





Low Low



3.14.2010