"What is our biggest fear?"15:52 Oct 11 2008
Times Read: 732
"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson in "Return to Love"
I've heard this on a movie a couple of times, I totally get the idea. I also dared to be great at things, to be seen and to make others do the same, even if I was being ridiculed behind my back a lot. But now... I choose to be an average person in class, I'm also very good at it, to stay invisible in class, it funny sometimes that people don't actually notice that I'm standing right in front of them.
I know some of you who have known me since high school are asking me why I choose to do so, when usually I tried my best to excel in my studies and I was very competitive at some point in the past. What happened to the overachiever me?
Call it justifying my failure for not doing my best or my best wasn't enough because I'm failing. I don't care. All I know is that I learned the hardest lesson in reality:
"Everything fades nothing ever stays"
It was the most painful lesson I ever did learn. You see in the past I was so caught up so busy with my school work, so competitive in trying to reach my goals I didn't notice the important things I sacrificed to get it. One regret that I'll always remember and have to live with: "Postponing a time with my friend." A very close friend that was always there for me. She was waiting for me to approach her, she was waiting for me to see what was up in her life. She was always there, so I never expected that there was a deadline. I never expected that I was to busy with my school work, to busy trying to please my parents with high grades, to busy with myself, that my time to be with her was running out.
Yeah yeah it was a freak accident, I'd never imagine someone to be gone in that way, not her, but still there were those instances that I could have postponed doing my work and spent sometime with her instead, but I choose what was my first priority:,my grades, that time rather than her.
"Enjoy the journey, not the destination", I should have known that what matters most are the people around me, the people I trust, most of all rather than these attempts of mine to be seen by others. To be seen by those close circle of friends and family rather than a faceless (applauding) crowd. Even if I'm such a vain to want that.
Every August or April I have to be this way just to remind myself, that I remember her. Its been 3 years since she passed away and I still value my friendship with her. She's still in here. In my head. In my chest. I'll never ever want to let go of people I know that's as special to me as she is.
*looks up in the sky*
"Hey you~! Yeah you, I still remember you!
Oh don't smile that sheepish grin at me,
I know no one could ever replace yours.
And yeah, you heard me~!
I still miss ya, Xy~!
Always will be.
Gods, I'm sorry I wasn't always there for you."
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