The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

ThePinja's response to the entry below.
22:51 Aug 03 2010
Times Read: 630






From:



ThePinja

Banshee (72)





17:50:09

Aug 03 2010





You honestly didn't try. Goodbye.



On 22:48:35 Aug 03 2010 (-0 GMT) ladylilac wrote:



Whom ever said I knew you.

Whom said that I wouldn't listen to your issues



I find no reason to waist my emotions, time, anything on you any longer when you have caused me pain.



Goodbye.



On 16:29:27 Aug 03 2010 (-0 GMT) ThePinja wrote:



Well as patient as I can be, I've got a lot on my plate, so your little wait game that you've been playing is frustrating. And adds further to an amount to stress I can't deal with. I was at my friends wedding reception when you texted me about the idiot friend who off'd himself. Yeah he was an idiot. Cause he took a life that was gifted. I was already stressed my sin went to the er while I was there my friend/ ex decided to go nutso and you put the cherry on top. But while I've got no hours, no money, and almost no way to support my sons where th hell are younwhen I need a friend?! Friendship is a two way street. An sorry if your idea of real friendship is waiting till YOU are ready to talk and talking you down from suicide. But I was raised that suicide is the most selfish and disgraceful act in the world. And you just talk about it like it's a casual activity. Uou talk about doing it, but haven't done it. I honestly believe you won't. But I'm not going to focus all my attention on you. Because younarent the only depressed person, you aren't the only person to

lose over an over.



If you don't want a savior, then why should people try to talk

you down? Do you need that me reassurance from others. Is your life so based on others acknowledging your life is worth living you can't even fathom seeing it on your own?



Wake the fuck up, life will always tough Emma, pain is why we appreciate happiness. It's always about learning and growing. Death is only about dying. So when you talked about just dying I really felt you stopped the learning. You could care less about what's left to know. Younsaynindont care.... Then if you know me, tell me why I'm still replying?



On 16:11:41 Aug 03 2010 (-0 GMT) ladylilac wrote:



you think you waisted to time getting to know me?

B.S.

if you had gotten to know me

if you TRUELY wanted to be my friend?

you would have read the last part of that journal entry

you would be trying to talk me down

if you really KNEW me, and wanted to be my friend?



you would not be acting these belittling and self centered that I am in depression. I cannot help that. If I can, please tell me, how?! If you wanted to be my friend, when I shyed from a topic you would have given me time, and WAITED until I brought it up.



So re think ALL this just ONE MINUTE! You care for me? Bull, you wouldn't have told me to have a great death. Fine, don't stress, only true friends, people who TRUELY care about me would. You have proved through all of this that you are not a true friend, nor could you ever be nor were you ever one. A true friend is there through the end. A true friend, doesn't just say, okay, fuck it, die well! A true friend, fights with that person, whether it be trying to talk them out, digging them out of a hole, whatever it takes.



But not one fucking thing you've done has shown ANY quality of a friendship to me. A friend would have understood that I don't want to talk about the nitty gritty details, that it takes time to get them from me.



Who ever said I was looking for a savior?

Not I.



On 02:35:01 Aug 03 2010 (-0 GMT) ThePinja wrote:



Yea I think you're a beautiful young woman. If I'm wrong for that then we'd have died out a while ago. I liked your personality, until you decided to ignore my messages. Not want to explain yourself and not just the one time and decide that one or two word answers were all I was worth. I tried investing time into talkin with you. And for the record I didn't ask for photos of your pussy you sent those of your own accord. I respected you enough to not ask. When it came to a serious conversation you fled. I stayed. I tried. You hid. Sure you have feelings, but fuck if you really cared about mine. I wanted to be your friend first, something else second at a time where emotional an financial stability was established.



I'm not heartless I care for you. But I'm not going to sit here and stress to make you want to survive. If you dint want to live I'm not going to try to make you. You want a savior look

inward that's the only one who can really do it.



On 02:23:14 Aug 03 2010 (-0 GMT) ladylilac wrote:



........fine

im a dumb cunt

i don't care

i really don't

but at least I'm not some heartless little worm who just wanted to talk cuz he thought i was hot........



just think about your message to me for a little bit

just THINK about it



whos the one, who seems like they don't have time to think about others feelings

Because, no matter what I am, I DO have feelings

just think about that

friday the 13th....8-13-10.... 18 months later, still missing you deeply
01:25 Aug 03 2010
Times Read: 669

*******************************CAUTION***************************

***STOP HERE IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO READ OF HARDSHIPS IN LIFE AND WISH TO PRETEND THAT THEY ARE NOT REAL. ALSO, BE DULEY NOTED THAT IF YOU THINK I DO THIS TO BE VAIN, YOU ARE SO TERRIBLY WRONG.

























Many of you are asking why....

just, why

well, here are some reasons as to: WHY?!



~ 13 losses in 17 months



first. my fiance, austin, mentioned above. I refused to let him come to my house as I was sick and he came anyways, I didn't want him taking care of me, I was sick, and his birthday was the 15th. it was a friday night

I forced him to go out with friends to a party

he did

8pm i get a call, his cell number, figured he was checkin up on me

answered it

his cousin on the other end in tears, trying to explain to me what had happened

refused to believe it

refused to believe that i had forced him off my porch to go out with friends

and now him and 2 of his BEST friends are dead. his best man to be was one of them.



found out a little bit later i was pregnant

carried full term

had her



died at 2 months old of SIDs

those are 2 of the MANY

the worst two, yes





others:

more mentionable aka the people were closer to me -

1. Natalie ~ car crash in the park, was in the back seat of a car unbuckled, the car hit the brakes too fast and she was sent flying out. 6-29-09



2. Tyler ~ drowned in a lake May 30th, this year while at the lake house with friends, caught by the undertoe while swimming



3. Vince ~ closest to my heart, and will always hold a place within my soul. this is who the poem was about. I where a purple bracelet every where I go in remembrance of him. on it it reads: "It's all Good" VAN 1-24-10

that was his life motto

and look where he is now, with a bullet through his head where he placed it.



4. Mr. Ising ~ father of a good friend of mine, battled with pancreatic cancer for over a year, struggeling to make it to Maggies graduation in May. He made it to her older sister's graduation from college, then her prom night.... died less then 12 hours after. He was one of the dads that always looked around and saw you but would just give you that 'little-hint' that what you were doing wasn't right. Despite Maggie's loss, she is stronger then I. She had been voted to give her senior class speech. Which she did a week after her fathers death



5. Amanda Riley ~ a sweet and AMAZINGLY talented 16yo girl that I came to know through babysitting and working around at local schools etc. I loved her to death, she died 3 days after her birthday when she lost her battle to cancer





thats just death my friends....

you all ask why

and I am sitting sobbing

I don't care if you all know this



WHY?!?! continued



~Abuse



well... I'll start this section in order of age as it happened, though 2 coinside with eachother

1. I'll spell this out as simplistically as I can seeing as dwelling on it is not a pleasant topic: Rape. 1st time, my 6th birthday party. continued pretty much daily (with few exceptions seeing as he lived in my house) for 4 years until I no longer lived with him. Hes a cop now



2 & 3. Physical and mental. I shall post examples of both, though not go into detal as again, memories are one of lifes greatest enemies. They haunt and become terrors for your life.

a. Physical - for those of you who don't know, I no longer speak with my father, do not send him a "HAPPY FATHERS DAY!" card, nor in any form communicate with him. Care to know why? The proof is the scar, that yes is faded, but still remains on my forearm. I got it last time that I saw him, when I finally stood up to him, and told him i wouldn't take anymore of him controlling me, my actions, whom I spoke with, where I went, what I did. He should trust me. I was no longer going to put up with watching him abuse my step siblings, or myself, though in those days I did not care about myself to any extent and could have cared less. That day, he lept onto me, slammed my head back against my night stand and only THEN did I begin to scream as I felt something in my neck crack, apparently I scream loudly. My step siblings and their friends could hear me from outside the house – we were in my bedroom on the third floor. I always laugh about the photo proof I got as I was hyperventilating and shaking as adrenalin was shooting through my body and my father would not leave, there in the edge of one of the pics that I took of the room, proof that my CD shelf had been knocked down onto me and of all the room disruptions, you can see his elbow still in the room.



b. Emotional – for those of you who think I am vain, that I am trying to raise my ego, My step mother emotionally abused me for years before I stood up to my father. I remember all the horrible things she would tell me about myself, so sorry, but yes I need ego boosts some time. But if you had lived with her, you very well may too. She led me to starting whoring myself out on web cam, taking pictures that I should not be taking of myself at a mere 13years old back then. It took me years to stop camming, I only stopped when I found Austin and had someone to hold me, to comfort me as I wept night after night.



These are only 2 topics of my life…. 2 views of pain….. if only I knew how to even confes the pain that I have been through.



so don't try and tell me that: blah blah blah just happened to me and blah blah blah now I can’t go to my friends lake house!

ive been to 2 funerals in the past 30 days, my aunts and my friend’s uncle who raised that friend.

i don't want to hear about your shitty life.

this is why i posted in my portfolio that i do not like people complaining about smaller issues.

My life has been my living hell, only recently beginging to SOMEWHAT mellow. Why is it mellowing? I’m losing everything around me, not muc left to be losing, not much left that can harm me. I am vulnerable and weak… yet so numb



As I type this I realize that maybe the permanent fix isn’t an option. However, until someone can talk me down… stop me from this idea, I will act on it. I have in the past, though obviously my OD attempts did not lead to death, just to FURTHER health issues added to the ones that I was born into this life with.



So here, if you do not enjoy your answer to “why”

Well too bad.