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Mood swings.........thats right......mood swings..............but i like everything else no foolin.

Whats going on why is it unsure,

i mix others emotions,

it seems im not liked and yet i am,

it seems i love and yet i hate,

i dont know what to do im going mad and people always complain and get upset,

you shouldint do this its immature,

you should just live your life and leave it alone,

IM NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE I HATE THE WAY I FEEL WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WHEN IM CRITIZIZED AND HATED AND LOVED AND ALWAYS BEING QUESTIONED ON MY ACTIONS.

are you sure you want to?

that may not be the best choice.

you should do this instead.

oh no that wont work.

WHATS EVERYONES PROBLEM WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!!!!!! I CANT TAKE IT IM GOING INSANE AND I WANT AN ESCAPE IT WONT BE DEATH BECAUSE THATS JUST STUPID, STOP TREATING ME LIKE IM STUPID.

im crying as i write this even if people think it shows weakness,

what the hell am i suppose to do,

i dont know.......help me and if you wont then just dont say anything, dont say i wont or i need to grow up,

just help or dont say anything i cant take it....im breaking apart.........i need help.............thats what i need......i beseech thee........

I remmeber a time when i was happier, when everything was going fine, sun was the day and moon was the night, a warm breeze everything was always fine, now im consumed by something within, i hate myself, and i feel like giving in, yeah im pethetic and should grow a spine, yeah i may be looking for sympathy, WHY SHOULD I CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS,

I HATE AND THEN ILL BE SWALLOWED BY SORROW, ILL TRUDGE ON AND BE ALRIGHT, I HATE THE WAY I AM AND WHO I AM AND HOW I LIVE AND HOW THINGS ARE AND SO MUCH MORE.

whats it matter, i may be this great guy but it doesint matter if i dont think it, ever hear the saying "one must love themself before they can love another" thats true, and i sure as hell dont love myself, far from it i bite my flesh draw blades across it without cutting, i think about it all the time, no one will read this and it will stay that way, if you do, im a morbid depressing person, GET USE TO IT.

I hate myself so much it hurts i want to take away the pain instead i only live with it,

ill put on a strong face, a kind smile, ill help out my friends and even those who use me, abuse me, and minipulated me, ill pray for my death along with theres but i wont act, ill just live on,

forever harboring a deep hate for the world but mostly myself,

i want to do so many things hurt so many people, kill so many more, im twisint in my skin my bodies standing still and yet inside im twisting i hate myself i may have it good, my friends may care about me, but i cant help but hate, for now i will, no one will know, theyill fall for what i tell them, they always will, the'ill think im sweet, a nice guy like a brother, or a son, and the hate will turn to sorrow, and then ill be gone, no one will hear it, no one will know, thinking ive just gone and will return someday,

the'ill live there lives, theill marry and move, smile and laugh, as i lay in my tomb tears in my eyes, the air running thin, my mouth going dry, and ill pass into mist, no one will know, ill be killed with my book, the book about me, it will tell about the struggle about how i kept it all inside, put on a strong face so no one else would cry, how i sat all alone, everyone unaware, that robert was leaving without a fairwell, and they wont think twice, the'ill read the book and wonder exactly what my last thoughts were, if i cried or not, if anyone missed me or not, but they will not know my name, and thats how i end, in a tomb in the jungle, a tear on my cheek, a book in my hand, friends far away, no warmth from them.

Realization can sometimes be the best antistress drug there is, and sometimes, itill put your heart through the roof and make you jump off a bridge. sometimes it makes you smile and laugh, and other times cry.

funny how one thing can have so many different effects.....

What i learn ill keep to myself.

everyones got to learn bounderies.

took me a wile but i learned mine.

life keeps teaching, you just have to pay attention.

you know, its feels like i want to puke my guts up, it feels like ive been betrayed, it feels like ive done something wrong, it feels like im a bad person, its feels like im stupid, it feels like i have no one, it feels like its all my fault, it feels like im the victim, it feels like im the cause, it feels like im dying, it feels like ill never see again, it feels like im not breathing, it feels like im going insane,

it feels like im numb, it feels like its the end.

I cannot have her, in some ways ive resighned myself to that fact, but at the same time i can have her, it makes sense if you think about it,

so ill write, work out, meditate, if i can, but in order for things to work as i need them to, i need a strong person beside me, be they friend or otherwise, so i would like it very much if they would stay along side me, it would mean alot, especially if i am to move and regain my mind.

thanks for being there and helpin me K.J.

and thanks for helping me, i know you have alot going on in your life, and its understandble if you cant always make time to hang out, just knowing that your there helps.

thanks, more than you know.

The inspiration that is so many things in my life, is to take a break, a new topic is to be broken into from this point on, thank you and enjoy.

ill be in New york, writing and living on my own, attending school, meditating, and thinking, not much else i would imagine.

keep on walking, thinking, writing, breathing, sleeping, drinking, eating, grinding my teeth, questioning, disbeleiving, wondering, hateing, failing, presevering, hurting, tearing at my skin, ripping at my eyes, drying up my tears, cleaning up my blood, wrapping up my wrists, sewing up my heart, beleiving in thier lies, hopeing for a dream, trying to keep alive, living in my nightmares, wondering what to come, stopping to think of words, trying to keep my word, wanting my vo'el, sitting in the dark, loveing.

man i was like a boat takeing on water this morning i couldint move and eventually i had to bail out some of the stuff that was inside me,

( throwing up, no energy.)

man im sore i really hope things get better...

He got her first,

so where does that leave me,

right by her side,

just unable to be as close as he can be,

that doesint mean to me that is,

that i cannot be close to her and care for one that means so much,

and ill do just that,

be close to her,

hang out with her,

and kiss her on the cheek from time to time,

maybe someday,

ill be able to have her all to myself,

until then, ill have to share.

ill live my life,

and ill experience all sorts of things,

maybe even pay for there vacation so i wont be lonely.

for her ill be at her side,

even treat her to ice cream and breakfast.

for a good friend, and a woman i plan to someday have all to myself. who thought id find vo'el so soon.

its a weird feeling like im in an open field but i dont know which way to walk,

i feel like sitting down and crying even though i know it wont help,

the future is so unsure that i cant be sure what will happen,

weather it be i was ment to find my voel and not have her or to just be alone for the biggest part of my life,

i know im going to acheive something great,

but im not so sure the great acheivment would mean much if i couldint share it with a woman of great importance to me.

*sighs*

its confusing frusterating, depressing, and stressful,

but for all the negative feelings,

i still have friends and i still have a woman i love,

even if she may be engaged, that doesint mean i love her any less,

and even if she cant ever be mine id still love to spend alot of time with her,

reading comics and playing games,

swimming, working out,

just....seems so far away, and with me and how life usually treats me,

something will happen,

and i wont be able to have it.

so many ways to go,

and no path to follow,

i dont know how anyone feels about me,

its hard to trust,

not to say i dont trust people ( such as her )

i do its just i dont trust many people,

im a complete mess,

even if im deep and im intellegent,

im not sure whats going to happen.....

im not sure at all.......