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Oh Wow...To everyone's surprise the good day...officially over. Yeah I don't know why for a minute I thought I might have been happy. Bob's been starting drama....what's new.

And I found out I can't go to Hallowicked. After trying so hard, and doing so well in school. I did all of that for them. So they could see that I'm not such a bad kid. And all I get is it thrown in my face. Why should I try anymore? It's never going to pay off. Hallowicked was my one chance to chill and be with fam. My one chance to get out for one night and have a good time. And now I don't even have that. It's like they don't even care the lengths I've gone to just to do good. All because I got a fucking tatoo. She has 9 of them. I was stupid, I was in love. This relationship is just slowly ruining my life. And she says it so casually like I'm gonna be happy about it. It's like anything that makes me happy, they won't let me have. All I do is constantly get it thrown in my face. It's like they don't even see how much I HAVE done. I give up. I don't know why I ever thought I could be anything anyways





Nothing I do is good enough for anyone anyways.

Anywho...Last night I actually had a good night. Oh What's this? Hell's Freezing over? Yeah I swear.....for the first time in oooooohhh...maybe.....FOREVER ....I had a good night. Tiff came and picked me and my sister up around 11:00 and we went out to Wallmart to get some shit then we went back to her house and got to blazin as always. It was fun...Being sober is overated anyways..lol And we chill and bullshitted and had fun just like old times. Just saying dumb shit and laughing at it. Then around 1:30 we started heading home but we picked up Asa first because he wanted to get out of his house I guess. It was nice to see him. I haven't seen or hung out with him in fuckin forever and I miss the boy. And of course Bob was ready with that whole "Are you fucking him" bullshit. Look Bob, if I was fucking him, I'd leave a polaroid of it on your fucking porch. Bob's just being a bitch right now and I hate it. I can't move without him being up my ass about what I'm doing or calling me at fuckin..8:00 in the fuckin morning. What the fuck?!

Anyways...I'm just chillin right now bored as fuck waiting for anyone to call me to come hang out. Peace out Crackas

I'm at home...and all I can get running through my head is that "I wish I could go home."....There's no place like home, eh? Where all I get 24/7 is bullshit about colleges. Just because I have the capacity to go to med school doesn't mean I want to. I told her what I wanted to do, and they're still just gonna sit there and pick out my life for me. And no matter what I say it's never going to change. I bust my ass to go to school, pass my classes, take care of the animals, and deal with other bullshit and still not lose my mind. And a "Thank You" every once in a while would be nice. I just feel like no matter how hard I ever try, I can't get any appreciation. It's always "You did this wrong" Or "You did that wrong" ....Or Me : "Hey I got a 93 on my test" And them : "Well I want to see it" It's just like they don't even believe me.

I'm so stressed right now. Every part of my body hurts. My heart hurts. My brain hurts. All I want is someone to pick me up and put me back together again. I feel like Humpty Dumpty when he shatters to pieces. I just don't wanna hurt anymore.

Sometimes ..... I swear....I wish that I hated Bob. I wish that I hated every ounce of his being. But I know I don't. And I wish I did, because maybe if I did, this wouldn't always hurt. I know I do this to myself. I know this is all my fault. He SAYS he loves me, but when it comes down to acting like it, all he can do is hang up on me or do bullshit like that. I don't know why you would do shit like this to someone you love. I just don't get it. I just need to find someone that won't hurt me. I don't know why that seems like asking for so much. I just want someone to pick me back up and put me back together. I swear if you do this, I'll be yours. I'll follow you like a lost puppy. All I want is love. All I seem to get is hate. All I can feel anymore is hurt. Everything I do always relates to him. I just can't get over him no matter how hard I try. And sometimes I just swear that I'll kill myself just to make him pay. Just to let him live with the fact that he killed someone. I didn't ask for all of this. And somehow it's all my fault. All I can do is just sit...listening to the same song....and slowly sink down into whatever I've become. All I want is for someone to love me. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I can't hurt anymore. I can't cry anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't go out and act like everything is okay and I'm just fine with it all. But I know that no one wants to hear me bitch.

All I wanted was you, and all I got was hung up on.

I can't sit here and act okay anymore. I can't do this by myself anymore.

♥

I really wish things were easier right now. I feel like I'm losing my head, sinking down in the the piece of shit I worked so hard to get away from. All I want is all the pills I used to snort, all the alchohol I used to drink. All I want is for you to just leave me to die on that floor. Sometimes I wish you really did leave me there. Maybe I was meant to die. I just feel like nothing is ever going to matter to me. I feel like this hurt is never going to stop and once I think I finally got over it, you rip my heart out of my chest again. And all the things I quit for you....I wish I never had. I wish I never got sober. I wish I never became a better person. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have to sink down into the shit I am right now. I just wish that I couldn't feel. I wish that I could forget you. I wish that everytime I hear that song, I didn't cry over you. How can I love somoene that hurts me so bad. I just wish I was dead. I can't think. I can't function. I just wish that somehow....you had let me die. Drowning in my own vomit.....

And now that we're not together, why should I care what happens to me? I left you. I'm the piece of shit. Everyone SHOULD hate me. I don't know why I ever thought I was worth anything at all. I just wish you would move on and forget I ever existed so that when this happens you won't be hurt. I just wish that I could move far away so you'll never have to deal with me again. You'll never have to hear my lies. You'll never have to deal with me at all. I'm bad for you. Everything they ever said was true. You deserve so much better.

Do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.

I'm pushing myself. Trying to get over you. So if I'm so over you, why do I tear up everytime you call. Everytime I hear that song. Everytime I see your things. Everytime I see your face. Why does it hurt so bad? You should have never saved my life. It wasn't worth it. How could you do this to me?