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I don't know what to really do anymore. I love how the minute I feel actually proud of something I do, someone is always there to tell me I'm doing something wrong. I just feel like no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever be good enough. I just want to be okay again. I want to get out of here. I HAVE to get out of here. I know that I'm just gonna rot away if I stay here. All they ever do is pick at everything I do....It's like I've worked so hard at everything not even because I wanted it, but because they did. I just don't understand why I can't be like everyone else. Everyone else gets to go out and do shit, they get to do whatever the fuck they want...But with me if it's not good enough for mommy dearest, I have no fucking chance. I wish someone would just stab her in the fucking back so she can see what real pain feels like and realizes that the whole fucking world doesn't care what she wants, that we only give it to her so she won't bitch.

Woot I got my license today!!!

I'm so excited and happy about it. I'm proud of myself too. I'm proving to myself that I can actually do things and function when a couple weeks ago I could barely get out of bed. I also found out that I have almost a 3.0 GPA and right now I'm in the top 20% of my class....I'm really excited and proud of myself right now for the first time in forever...

Seems like it's been forever since I've actually been happy. Like, without alchohol or drugs or anything like that. Just happy..all by myself. Just happy with my life. I'm beginning to think that I'm never gonna have that feeling again and I'm gonna destroy everything I have right now just to try and get it again. I'm just so tired of everyone being inconciderate. I feel like no one appreciates anything I do. Like no one really cares anymore...

And I don't know what's going on with Bob. He was supposed to meet me at the school and I got stood up I guess. I don't know what happened...He won't answer his phone. I just wanted to see him. I wanted to see him and know that I love him. I wish that everything was okay. I wish that I was happy with him. Because I know that if I was, everything would be okay again. I would be happy again. I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep trying to explain to him that I love him, that I would die for him no matter what, but that I don't know if I'm happy being with him right now. And he doesn't understand that it's nothing he can change. He's not doing anything wrong. It's all my fault. It always is.

Ugh I'm so bored...Just kinda waiting for something to do. Just kinda gettin tired of this town. I'm tired of all the drama. I'm tired of all the fights. I'm tired or worrying about who I talk to and who's gonna try to start shit. I wanna finish my business and then I'm done with this dumbass city. Imma fuck up Bianca and I'm not letting it go until I beat her to a bloody pulp for what she's done to me and my fam. Tiff and her mom are my family. They were all I had for a while. And now I'm fortunate enough to have even more fam and love and shit. But back then...shit...they were all I had and I still got the same fucking love for them that I had back then. I told Tiff I'd fuck up Bianca for what she did, and I intend to keep my word. I just gotta worry about getting Bianca over here. And for Micki...Why a 5'0 girl would want to fuck with me, who knows. She's a tiny as little bitch and she wants to start shit with me? I don't care who she tries to get me, she's a pussy bitch who tries to get other people to fight for her. And shit...I'll fight whoever it takes just to get to Micki. And I would tell her all this shit to her face if she'd actually answer my fuckin calls... I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm tired of people talking shit and not being able to back it up. I just have such an anger right now. I'm tired of being fucked over and I know I'm gonna fight my way to the top just so I can be at the top and say fuck you to everyone who thought I would get no where.

Anyways...not much else is going on. I got my phone back since I've been doing so good in school and shit. I really don't want to fuck up my senior year and plus I'm determined to conquer this whole Trigonometry bullshit so I'm actually trying this year. And I get my license in about a week and I can't fuckin wait. I'm so ready to get out of here. I'm just trying to get what I need to get done so I can graduate this year.

And as for Bob, we're doing okay. Not great, but not bad...Just kind of okay. I know that I love him, I just don't know how I love him. I know that I love him to death and more than anything in the world, but I don't know if it'll work as a relationship. It's just gonna be something that we take one day at a time.

Ugh I'm so tired of all of this. I'm tired of people in my relationship that don't need to be. In case you didn't notice, it's me and bob dating...not Me, Bob, and the rest of the fucking world. It seems like everyone's got shit that they need to say. Maybe I am bad for him. Maybe he is better off without me. Maybe I should just move, change my name, and act like Brielle never existed. I'm just so tired of it all. I don't understand why once I finally get out of the drama, someone drags me right back into it. It seems like people can't ever just be happy for you....They always have to fuck it up in some way,shape, or form. It's like the minute I'm happy, everyone else is pissed off and shit. I just kind of wish I could wake up and forget any of this ever even happened. It seems like I'm never going to be happy again. It just feels like I'm chasing a dream that I'll never catch and I'm so exhausted from it. Fine. You all win. Do whatever you will. Just leave me out of your lives. I can't take this anymore.

I've got no where else to go. No one else to run to. I've run out of places and people and drugs. Nothing is ever going to be the same. I mean no matter how hard I try, no matter how far I come, someone is always there to take me down a knotch or two. I just want everyone to know that when they finally run me into my grave, I want them at my funeral. I want them to look at my face and I want them to see what they've done to me. I just don't understand how selfish people can be sometimes.

Ugh...Just when it all seems fine...why is it that I can't have one day go right? Bob was supposed to meet me at the school and I walk out and I can't find him and so I was thinking he stood me up and then I see Tiff's van. So I thought maybe she had him and I got in but he wasn't there and she didn't even know he was supposed to be meeting me there. So I got even more pissed. So then he calls Tiff and I answer and he says that my dad is there so he had to act like he wasn't there to see me. I was just pissed because I wanted to see him so bad. I wanted to spend time with him and it was ruined and my dad acts like he can't even let me know what the fuck is going on. Because if Tiff wasn't there, I would have just kept walking home.

Then I come home and sleep for like four hours which was actually nice because I haven't slept much in the past couple weeks. But later on me and my sister got into a fight. I just feel so...irritable right now and I don't know why and she just gets smart with me and it makes it like ten times worse. I just don't know what's wrong with me right now. I wish things would just get better so I could live Happily Ever After. I'm starting to wonder if Happily Ever After even exists. I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything on my body hurts. And I work to the point where I'm exhausted. Like today, if Tiff hadn't given me money to get something to eat, I felt like I was gonna pass out. I just work so hard just to pass these fucking classes to make my parents happy. I wish I was perfect for them. Not for me, for them. I live...for them, not for me. I don't have anything I do for myself. And stressing out only makes my body drained even more. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like nothing I ever do is ever gonna be good enough for anyone. And of course being the idiot that I am, I can never be happy unless someone else is. I just feel like my life is more lived for other people than myself. And Bob is the one person that gives me support and pushes me to do whatever the fuck I want to do, instead of something for him. I love him so much and I really don't know how to express how much he means to me. And yeah I know, he's a dick...but so am I most of the time. I just love him and I don't know how to explain it and the fact that we're basically forbidden from seeing each other makes this whole situation even worse. I just wish I could make my parents live one day in my life feeling the feelings that I feel and shit like that. Nothing I ever do is good enough. My grades aren't high enough. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not responsible enough. I'm just going to work myself to death and I know it.

God damn it's nice to be a juggalette. So many people up here have been showing me so much love and it gives me alot more faith in the family. Around here there's nothing but backstabbing and lying amongst the fam, which is why I've become an outcast among them because I don't put up with that bullshit. But coming up here and getting so much love, it just really kinda touches my heart. Because it's more than just some fucking comment telling me how awsome I am or whatever. It's family love...and it's fucking nice because no matter what I'll always have the juggalos and juggalettes. We got nothing but love and there has been no hating whatsoever. It makes me feel like the fam is getting better because it got kinda shitty for a while. Juggalos were stabbing other juggalos....juggalettes were fighting over lo's. But not here, there's been nothing but love and I really hope it stays that way. Because I'm dead serious when I say that y'all are my family. To some people, like me, the fam is all we've got. And I'd die for any one of you. Because I got so much love for you guys, and I know that if you're a true juggalo or lette, you'd do the same. And No one is up here calling anyone fake which I love. Because at some point in time, I'm sure we've all been called a juggahoe or juffalo...which is bullshit. We need to accept younger juggalos and lettes like we were accepted. We need to love each other even more now than ever because it's us against the world.

MMFWCL

Well...Yeah...As much as I hated him, we're together again. I think it's really gonna work this time. He's going to anger management now. I really hope it works because I love this boy to death and when he snaps on me it kills me inside. I love him so much and I forgot how much fun we used to have before we fought day and night. So Sorry to all you guys, I'm off the market.

So not much has really been going on lately. Me and Bob got back together. I get drunk occasionally....get high...go to IHOP...That's about it lol. I have such an exiciting life. Well I'll let y'all know what's going on when I have something to say. Much Love

So why is it that I'm always the one being lied to ? I don't fucking understand it. First someone acts interested then their girlfriend comes into town who was supposed to be their ex and now I'm just ignored. So Yeah Bob's supposed to be changing. Why do I doubt that this will work? I'm sorry but I've just been hurt too many times from that boy. He's taking anger management classes now at least. And I can't stop crying because I don't know whether to believe him or not... And my parents treat me like I'm fucking five years old. Yeah, I messed up in the past, and I'm still being treated like shit for it now. I mean they treat me like I've got no fucking feelings. I feel like I'm only here to be their maid. Guys only want me to fuck me and use me. My parents only want me to clean for them and make good grades so they can be "proud" of me. I can't live like this anymore. I just can't do this. I'm living more for you people than for myself. Oh Great...I've got dishes to do.

I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of hearing like 8 different stories. I want to know who's telling me the truth. I'm tired of being lied to and treated like I'm just a fucking test subject. I'm tired of being treated like I have no heart. I can't keep being torn back and forth. You people are killing me. You're exhausting me. And if you wanted me dead, you should have just said so.

I can't help but wonder if this is what I deserve. Do I deserve to be treated like this? Do I deserve all the lies? For once in my life I just want to hear someone tell me they love me....and that's it. No buts, ands, or ifs.....nothing else. Just "I love you". And I keep telling myself I can do this. I can make it on my own. I can live without you. I can't stand living here. I can't stand the fact that everything anyone says is a fucking lie.

You know....it kills me to know that I want to call him. To know that I want to call him and tell him I'm sorry for everything I've ever done and tell him I'd do anything to be in his arms again. I would do it all again if I thought for one second it might end the pain and stress I'm going through now. I don't know how he's doing, what he's doing, who he's doing....and I'd be lieing if I said I didn't miss him. Yes he hurts me so much. Yes he makes me want to kill myself. Yes, he makes me want to go back to the shit I used to be addicted to. Yes, he kills me inside. But why do I still love him?

I miss being in a relationship. I miss telling someone "I love you". I miss having someone to care for and I miss having someone to take care of me. I miss someone telling me it's all gonna be okay because sometimes I really don't think it will be okay. And for some reason, laying in his arms hearing that voice say "It's all gonna be okay"....it made everything okay at that moment in time. And right now, it's far from okay. I'm so far from okay, that I don't even remember what okay felt like.

I miss being happy. I can't go five minutes without crying or screaming at someone. And all that runs through my mind is "Oh Drugs will make it all better". And I know I can't go back to him. I can't be with someone I'm scared of. I can't be with someone who I have to be scared of what I say or do because it might set him off. I can't do that to myself again. I can't put myself through someone telling me they love me one second, then leaving me the next. I just can't do it and all I can do is sit here and cry because I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I like someone new. I don't think he likes me. I don't think he ever will. I don't think anyone will ever love me again. It's like I'm cursed.

I just wish you would tell me it's all gonna be okay. I wanna be your little girl again.

I got a new pet. It's a slug that me and my sister found outside. His name is Booger and he's the sexiest living creature ever. Even sexier than your mom.

He's the community Booger.