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I cant believe Deadman13 threw me to the wolves. how could he do that? trade a cat into a house of wolves! really!. still, it is the top house, so i suppose i should feel honoured. and i have seen who he traded me for - jagged. she's real nice, and has much more favor than me, so he got a real bargain. he said he traded me because i'm too pushy - which is nonsense. okay, maybe i am a bit overbearing. i dont mean to be. he got me wrong, i am not a climber. i dont want power. i dont want the responsibility for one thing. as for me asking for position of news master, thats utter bollox - i dont even know what a news master does - why would i apply for something i know nothing about?



but what really hurts is he took me off his friend list. i truly like and respect him, and a rejection of friendship really cuts to the bone.



i forgive him though - he's under a lot of pressure and is very upset at the moment. i really feel for him, and wish i could do something for him.



meanwhile, i'm stuck in a house where i don't fit or belong. didnt get much of a welcome either. still, can't complain. it's only for 2 weeks - then they will realise how useless i am to them and trade me to someone else. i think i like that - i'll become a wanderer, drifting from one house / coven to another, trying them all out, meeting new friends. i've seen a couple of covens i would like to try.



and anything is better than being stuck in nocturnal retribution.

it's not so much hope as determination.

i feel so much better now i have adopted this new attitude. i came to the realisation that i truly love Ursula, and i want her back.



we are good friends now, and getting on so much better. i really do believe that she cared for me and wanted me, but is not ready for a relationship with me. so i will bide my time. i love her, and i will make her mine. by the time she is ready to commit to a relationship, we will know and trust each other enough to go into this without fears and doubts, and it will be natural and right.



if you are reading this my love, know this:- i love you. i always will love you. i can't not love you. i tried - i even tried to hate you - but i couldnt. i am yours completely, and i don't care if that makes me vulnerable.