The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Myself getting annoyedfairly easy nowadays. I just want someone to be real with me. You know, on the level. I was totally in love with this site but now I find guys are just as fake on here as they are in real life. I am tired of being lied to. I tire of people pretending to be something or someone they are not. I thought for a while there that I might be gay because guys irritate me. But girls are just the same and I can't seem to be attracted to them in a sexual way. I thought I would be ok with finding someone online but I get annoyed with them worse unless they live near me. Or in Canada. But that is few and far between. Guys from Canada don't seem to like me. It's not like I am not myself. I guess I just am not date material.

I need more hardcore house. Man I am so antsy I need hardcore shit. It makes me grind my teeth and want to bite things and I cannot stop moving. I need it. I crave it. I need to know more djs that play hardcore house. Maybe my friend Marko Dynamo will make me a cd of all his hardcore shit. Man I am going to make my palms bleed listening to Hands Up Squad. They so totally rule.

You know I looked all through those pages on each house and coven and I don't know if I would fit in anywhere. Or all. I don't really know. Some of them caught my eye but then reading it I found that I might not exactly suit it. I think I would rather just be friends with all the leaders and discuss the certain topics about their groups. Other peoples opinions are my favorite things in this world. I find peoples minds fastinating. I wish I could just crawl inside anyones head I meet. Poke around the deepest darkest corners. When I was young I thought that being a psychiatrist would be the best job. But alas I was not smart enough. I still love getting inside peoples heads when they let me. Well that is enough of that.

You know what, I don't mean to make this sound vain but it most likely is. I love my face. I love my eyes, my nose, my cheek bones, my jawline, my lips, my eyebrows, everything about my face I think is beautiful. Like sure I think that alot of other people have more beautiful faces then me but I just wanted to say out loud that I do love my face.

I don't get it. Girls are actually breaking up with their boyfriends just to find their "Edward". Sure he's obsessive, selfish, stalker-esk, and extremely possesive but do they really believe that they are all going to find someone like that that isn't completely homicidal? Don't get me wrong I have read all the books like 4 times each but who would want a boyfriend that doesn't let you breathe? See what I am looking for is my "Lestat" in everyway. Well I suppose he doesn't have to be a vampire but it would be a plus. lol. Ok ok I admitt it, I am just as bad as the rest with their Edward fantasies. But Lestat has always been my dream man. From the first time I ever read Interview with the Vampire. I would scream into the silence "I will love you Lestat. You don't need Louis." But alas, he never heard me. lmao! I'm not crazy I swear. If I could find the one that embodies the likeness of Lestat I would never let him go. And I do not just mean looks, I mean acts, feels, loves. Man I am really gonna be lonely for the rest on my natural life. *sighs*

Last night I had the strangest dream. I was at an amuzment park with a date and Derek(my ex) was supposed to be watching Doryn. But he found someone to watch him while he weasled in on my date. He thought he was proctecting me from getting hurt but he wouldn't even let him touch me. I kept saying "oh derek get a life" . but he said he didn't trust him with me yet. He was acting worse then my big brother. God I hope he doesn't do that when I get a new boyfriend.

I have all these designs for clothing that are quite good but I don't have the money to make them. It's quite frustrating. I feel my potential is stunted. I can't get out of this rut and it's killing me. I feel the only real thing in my life is my son. But he limits me from being where I want to be. No it's not him. It's his father. He's hardly ever around but he threatens to take him from me if I want to leave and pursue my dreams. When ever he is around I feel drained. Even though he told me it was me that drained him and that was why he could not be around. But he has no life force. No drive. He is like an empty shell. He cares for nothing. He just does because he thinks. He doesn't feel. I have to go away to school in order to do what I want. Otherwise I will have to do my alternative, in which I am not even sure it will work. I have no support anywhere I turn either. My mom thinks that school is pointless. She says that my dreams are silly and there is no money in designing clothes. It has always been my passion. Ever since I can remember I have been dreaming up my own style of clothes. They have mostly been dark in looks and sexy but conservative. Maybe even a lil cosplay-ish. lol. I just wish I could catch a break. But it is very hard living where I do. This place is so close-minded. I cannot truely live here. Sure I can survive. But what kind of a life I will have will always be supressed. Suffocated. Doused by the stubborn-set-in-their-way people who run this town. Ha! It's not even a town, it's a city! I couldn't even open an occult book store without it being horribly scrutinized. I am stuck!