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Not long after I lost my second pregnancy...my first angel baby, things got tense and my sons father and I parted ways again...this time for good. I started dating around and such and while I was dating my daughters father was when my sons father died.



My daughters father and I met online and had been dating online for a few months when this all happened. I had been driving to see him and visit on weekends when we were able to make it happen. After my sons father died in Oct 1999, I went to see my daughetrs father. I didnt know what to do with my grief and weird feelings and all I could think so do was go to someone that would comfort me. I made the drive to WI where he was...I was in the MN at the time. My daughters father and I had had the discussion about kids and the baby I had lost. He told me that his dr had told him he most likely couldnt have any anyway. Needless to say, the dr was wrong.



I found out I was pregnant with my daughter the next month when I expected my cycle and it didnt show. I remember being excited and scared to death because I was so afraid of losing this baby as well. I had also gone to a halloween party and drank some and was afraid I had hurt her somehow.



When I told her dad, he was pretty excited and then proceeded to tell me that I needed to pack up myself, my son and all our belongings and move to WI while I was pregnant. This felt all wrong to me when my family was with me and I had my regular dr close by as well. I asked him if he would move to me until the baby came and he would have nothing to do with that idea. He started saying things like since I was not jumping at the idea to move that maybe it wasnt his and other such stupid shit and that is when I ended it all. If sacrificing for me and his unborn child was too much to ask...then he wasnt ready to be a father anyway.



I resigned myself to wander through this pregnancy alone with the help of my parents...what they could give anyway. I went through the holidays with my family and made up my mind to go out for new years to cheer myself up. I got bored and ended up going to a friends and staying overnight.



I awoke the next morning to go get in my car and return home when I was almost run over by a guy running around the corner of a building. I looked up to give the guy a few choice words and my jaw hit the ground. It was my ex bf...the first guy I had EVER loved in hs that I had lost touch with when he moved to Minneapolis. We both stammered and stared and couldnt think of what to say except we BOTH said..."what are you doing here?" and laughed.



From that point on, we were inseperable once again for 3 years. He was there with me through my pregnancy and there for my daughters c-section birth and was the proudest man on earth that day. My daughter was a beautiful long legged dollbaby weighing 8lbs 10oz and was 20.5 in long. I loved her on sight and marveled in my luck to have my boy AND girl right off the bat.



We were married when my daughter was almost 10 months old and were married for almost a year and a half before, out of the blue, he took off...cheated and moved out. I never saw it coming and wanted to die. We had made our family and life together and he walked away from all of us and I had to try to explain to my son and my baby girl WHY daddy was leaving us.



My daughter has had a tough life for one so young (6 yrs old) and has taken it all in stride. She is my ray of sunshine....shes a morning person and only too happy to jump out of bed and head to school. The glass is ALWAYS half full with her and she is easy to please a good deal of the time. I love my Hannah girl!

When my son was about 2 years old, his father and I made an attempt to get back together and make it work for the umpteenth time I think but actually it was the last time before he died. We decided we really wanted to be a family and wanted another baby. It took 3 months to conceive our son but not nearly that long the second time around. I confirmed my pregnancy at the clinic and reveled in the excitement of carrying another child. I started showing right away and at 5 weeks long.....I woke in the morning to abdominal pain....it was odd and I thought maybe I just had to pee. I got up and went to the bathroom and discovered blood. I knew that it wasnt good. I cramped really bad and felt the little tiny bit of baby pass from my body. I continued to cramp most of the day but cried all that day and the next. I stayed in bed all the day it happened and the next day got drunk because of my misery and grief. It really took it out of me because it was like having my heart ripped right out of my chest. I love my angel baby!

I was pregnant with my first child...my son who is now almost 10...very young though not so young these days. I got pregnant when I was 17 and I remember thinking that I had SOOO MUCH figured out. I spent alot of that pregnancy ALONE and taking care of myself. My sons father didnt want a whole lot to do with me or the baby. I have to say that no matter what age...being pregnant has meant so much to me. It is a mind altering, awe inspiring event...at least it was for me. I remember feeling closer to the earth I stood on and the air that I breathed. I remember feeling like I was truly blessed to be a woman. I remember being VERY close to my son LONG before he was born. Since my relationship with his father was so bad....I talked to him (my son) all the time even before he was born. He was a constant comfort and companion. I went into the hospital in labor with him what turned out to be a week overdue. I ended up being in labor for 52 hrs at the age of 18 before they finally scheduled me for a semi-emergency c-section. They told me that since no one had been prepped to go with me that I would be heading into surgery alone. I was scared to death and didnt know what to expect since I didnt think I needed to read up on it. I thought it wouldnt happen to me lol like all teens or at least a good amount of them. I went into surgery scared but supported by a nice old guy that was my anasthesiologist. He rubbed my hand and talked to me the whole way through it. He would up date me as to how far along in the surgery we were and such. About halfway through the dr asked me if I would like to watch my baby be born. I was like "YOU CAN DO THAT!!!" The dr chuckled and said of course if you would like to. So they opened a little window in the draping across my chest and I was able to watch them pull him out of my stomach. It was a surreal experience almost like I wasnt watching from my own body but watching a tv. I remember thinking....holy shit...that came out of MY body. He weighed 9 lbs 14 oz and was 22 in long. They pulled him out and were sweeping his mouth out so he would breath and cry and I thought....WHAT DID I HAVE! lol because I didnt know yet. Then they leaned him forward to clear his airway more and it was ABUNDANTLY clear LOL I didnt get to hold him until I was in recovery and they encouraged me to start trying to feed him and such and I fell in love. He was the MOST BEAUTIFUL baby I had ever seen in my entirely life. I couldnt hold him close enough and I couldnt stop kissing him....goopy hair and all. To this day....I have a closeness to my son that is so deep though not really visibly obvious. He has been what has saved me in many cases when I didnt want to live anymore. I love my boy!

Though my first marriage was no great life experience....it was quite sad actually....I could have received no greater shock that to have my estranged husband I was in the process of divorcing, die in a car crash. I was 20 years old and I had to try to explain to my 2 year old son why he wouldnt be seeing his daddy anymore. It broke my heart that he wouldnt know him no matter what sort of man he was. For so long I had wanted him to fall off the face of the earth and just leave us alone and somehow I felt it was my fault. And, for the life of me, I couldnt figure out why I was sad to see someone go that had hurt my son and I soooo much, but I was. He had always said he would die young and he was right. Going to the hospital to officially identify his body killed me inside. I kept waiting for him to sit up and say "psych!" because playing tricks on people was just one of his things. The more time that passed the more that I realized that this wasnt gonna happen. Trying to pick out clothes for him to be buried in was another thing that I dont ever want to have to do again. I have definitely come to learn that his death was not my fault and my son knows full well who his father is and what happened to him, but he talks of him as a stranger and that is sooo sad because in all actuality, he doesnt remember his dad. I know now that his wanting to end his own misery was taken out of his hands. He was finally relieved of the burden of trying to go on living, because honestly, I dont think he wanted to anymore anyway.