10:42 Oct 30 2024
Times Read: 52
I'm in a few bridal groups on Facebook, mostly for ideas on what Logan and I could implament in our wedding. But I saw a post about how a bride to be is conflicted about having her father walk her down the aisle. It really made me think about my own dad and whether or not I want to have that be part of what we do. I don't have the best relationship with my father, he emotionally abused me, (sometimes physically disguised as "discipline"), and he just made a lot of my life not so great. When he was living in Wyoming for a year, despite me reaching out via text, he didn't speak to me at all. He's made some progress over the last few years to try and fix things, but I don't feel like it's ever been enough for the years of torment he put me through. There's not one derogatory name he didn't call me, he blamed me when I was caught doing self harm, he constantly pitted me against my brother, constantly called me a disappointment, and I could go on and on. So... There's a lot of resentment and trauma there that's really hard for me to get past. I've come to terms with his behavior from when I was growing up, but I've never forgiven him. Neither has my brother, who hasn't seen him since like, 2019. Anyway... I don't know how I feel about the whole being walked down the aisle, either. Logan isn't the biggest fan of my dad, he's only met him once, and that was not the best meeting. I don't think my dad even acknowledged him. And, I feel like once we move to Texas, I won't hear from him again anyway until it is time for the wedding. I never liked the tradition to begin with, as women aren't property to be handed of from one man to another. But... Do I just walk myself down the aisle? I know it's far more common these days, but it doesn't necessarily feel right to me. I know I have a lot of time to think about it and figure out where I stand on the whole thing. He is my dad, and as shitty a father as he has been, that still counts for something. Things to figure out, I guess.
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