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I feel accomplished. I did some stuff that is moving my life forward. It's slow going, but I'm starting to get the hang of this whole being an adult thing.

Last month I had to replace my gaming headset, so I took a trip to GameStop and purchased what I thought was a decent replacement. Five uses, if that, later and I had to return it. The sound was only coming out of the left side. So, instead, I bought an Astro headset. And, honestly, I think I'm in love. Now I totally get why they cost as much as they do. They are freaking great. I also purchased a new TV. A Samsung 55" curved 4K whatever other nonsense. Not cheap, but I put it on my mother's HSN card, since I don't have one of my own, and will make the payments that way. I'm super excited to get that beauty in my room and replace my 42" Samsung my brother and sister-in-law got me for Christmas a few years back. It'll be perfect for when I finally get my Xbox One X.

I was crunching the numbers, and, if I don't spend any money for the next three pay periods, I can easily buy myself a decent used car, maybe even lease something new. I could probably get pretty good financing, since my credit score is pretty fucking good now as well. So... I don't know. I guess the gym thing can wait until after the holidays, it would be a great way to start off my new year anyway. Working on me, focusing solely on me. So yeah... I think that's what I'm gonna do. Car first, the rest can follow after that. I'm thinking a Honda, since I love driving the Civic.

I don't know what to do anymore. In regards to everything. It feels so overwhelming, just trying to get through each and every day. I'm so tired of the struggle, of the constant fight. I just want it all to be over. I just want nothingness.

When you think you're on the same page with someone, then realize they're reading an entirely different book.

That's my life. That's been my life for years now. I'm tired of it, of always thinking someone is different only to have them prove me wrong. So, this is me, giving up. I don't have any fight left in me, for anything.

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Magdalena
15:16 Nov 13 2017

I say it's time to write your own book; I have never felt like I was on the same page with anyone, so I don't think it's the healthiest idea to live your life by the expectations of everyone else. Who knows, your book could even be better than their books.

I can empathize with thinking someone is different only to have them prove you wrong. ...But don't give up, at least not on yourself.

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NITEOWL47
19:30 Nov 13 2017

Please try to keep your chin up. And let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to help, dearest. I'm here for you. =^.^=

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I went out today after work and did something I'm normally loath to go do. I went clothes shopping! And, for once, I actually enjoyed it. I got a new jacket for work, and seven shirts that I absolutely adore. As well as some undergarments. Nothing I bought is really my normal style, but I don't think that is at all a bad thing. I actually really love the jacket I got. It reminds me of the ones I used to wear in the Young Marines, it's that military style and olive drab. I really hope it'll keep me warm at work.

I had budgeted about $200 for the clothes shopping, and I spent nearly all of it. I think over the next few weeks I'll buy some more stuff, but not all at once like I did today. Maybe one or two pieces a week until I have a decent wardrobe again.

I give people chance after chance to prove to me that they mean what they say, to show me that they're different. Chance after chance to utterly destroy me. I don't know if it's desperation or loneliness or the fact that I actually really enjoyed his company... Chance after chance. And it only proves that I'm a complete and utter fool in the end.

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Minde
12:56 Nov 06 2017

I know some people can be jerks

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Days where we finish early are nice. Today we were done at 6:30. So, I have a whole two hours and nothing to actually do. I'm warming up in the break room right now, and I'm debating if I want to leave early. It probably won't happen. Since I'm here, I may as well stay for my full shift, get as much money as I can.

I may go see the new Thor movie tonight. It really just depends though, it'll probably be super crowded tonight. It would probably be smarter to go on Monday, since I have Tuesday off. And there will likely be far less people, since really, who sees movies on a Monday? But... I want to see it today. Haha. Decisions decisions.

He had asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend, and I gave the typical answer of just not finding someone I could connect with. In truth, I find that people just constantly disappoint. And because of that, I keep myself at a distance with most people. "But surely not everyone will disappoint you." In my experience, yes... Yes they will. Why invest in someone, have feelings for them, when in the end they just go away?

Honestly, at this point, I don't even care about relationships anymore. I don't need to rely on someone else for my happiness. I don't crave the company of others that much where I can't stand being on my own.

COMMENTS

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Minde
08:37 Nov 02 2017

I feel the same

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Slain
09:48 Nov 02 2017

They all disappoint? Hmm.

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How did I spend my Halloween? Asleep. I went to bed last night at around midnight, slept until 6:30, which is sleeping in for me, then got up, did some stuff around the house and then sat on the Xbox home screen for around 2 hours, in a party catching up with a friend. Then I went back to bed around noon, where I slept until 9:30. I know, super exciting. Since my sister-in-law backed out of our plans for trick-or-treating with my nephew I had nothing to do. This is my life. Sleep, work, Xbox, and more sleep. I'm actually kind of thankful for these new hours. It gives me something to do. I'm getting bored of things, Xbox, gaming, people. It's all unappealing.

The one thing I am upset about in regards to this new schedule, is that I was supposed to go decorate my great-grandmother's grave for Día de los Muertos. No doing that, and no making sugar skulls this year either.