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When you throw it all out there. When you're certain it's not going to turn out the way you want it to in the end, but you still put it all out there. All of it. You're feelings, your fears, your desires and insecurities.
I know it won't change his mind about things between us, I know that. But even so, I had to say it. I had to get it off my chest. I had to tell him. Because he's the one I can't push away, he's the one who I want to let past these walls and defenses I've built up over the years, he's the one I want to let see me, all of me, bad and good. He's the one... So, I had to. I had to say it all. It's been a topic of discussion for us since Sunday, off and on, the whole getting back together thing. And while I know my words won't change the present outcome, I just wanted him to understand. To understand what's going on in my head, to understand exactly how he makes me feel, no hiding, no keeping things to myself. I put it all out there... And, it actually feels kind of nice.
He should have just sent me a text Friday saying he wasn't ready. Because stupidly, I had gotten my hopes up that maybe, just maybe we could get back together.
I've been thinking a lot since last night/this morning... What if the reason he wants to actually talk about things is because he wants to tell me that he's met someone else in person, or in as close to person as we can get... What if it's all just one blow after another of horrible things?
I hate my tendency to overthink everything. To focus on the negatives that possibly could be. Ugh.
Sounds like he is trying to break up,im sorry he just dosent want to hurt you thats why its taking so long.just be prepared and do not let him see you cry,he dosent deserve your tears...i wish guys would be up front and not drag that crap out.
He and I are "on a break", so he can't really break up with me when it's technically been that way since early December. He's not one to play games, he just has a lot on his plate presently. I don't know if my words painted him a nasty light, when that's the last thing I'd want to do. He's a great guy, and he still loves me, it's just, right now, things are difficult. And I know this. I'm just having a hard time accepting it.
09:49 Jan 23 2016 Times Read: 1,662
I decided that I wanted to work things out with Chris. So, we talked a little about things today, and we'll have a serious discussion about it all on Sunday. I kind of just want to get it all done now, but he's been working a lot of double shifts, and the time we do spend together on Xbox, he kind of just wants to wind down and relax. We can't talk about things tomorrow, as he has work, and it's his mother's and one of his close friend's birthdays and he'll be busy with all that when he gets off. The simple fact that he didn't just say "not right now" when I brought it up this morning has to be a good sign, right? I mean, last time I broached the subject he said it wasn't the right time, he was still trying to sort things out in his life. This time he promised me a real discussion about all of it... So... Here's hoping things can go back to where they were with us. I miss him. Sure, we talk every day, we game together nearly every day, but it's not the same as it was. I just miss having his affection, his companionship. I miss the names we used to call each other, how I always woke up and went to bed with a smile. I miss the way he used to say my name. All of it. I miss all of it. And I miss him immensely.
Another great was taken away. The super awesome Mr. Alan Rickman has also passed away from cancer today. This year is turning out to be horrible. I think I need to go watch Galaxy Quest, or Harry Potter, or Dogma, or Sense and Sensibility... Or any of his other awesome movies.
A pity that the world seems to be losing so much so soon after the dawn of the new year.
...Yes, Dogma sounds like a good choice.
09:52 Jan 11 2016 Times Read: 1,743
David Bowie died... I can't even believe that. His music was my entire middle school and high school career, his movie, Labyrinth, was such a huge part of my childhood. I made one of my best friends in high school by bonding over his music and films. His is a loss I think hits me more so than any other musician's passing, simply due to the fact that I can remember such great times in my life where his music was involved. He will be missed, immensely. As Yendor put it on Facebook, he's a Starman now.
The goblin king died? Im not into his music, but that glam style wasnt for me. But even still, his role in labyrith movie, was enough to shock me. Did this just happen. Were all getting old eh? R.I.P alien guy.
I couldnt believe it either when i read it online.
At first I though it was a prank like they tried to "kill" other actors too.
He will be missed greatly.
He was one of my favorite singers.
09:15 Jan 07 2016 Times Read: 1,788
I haven't been making an effort at all in regards to pretty much anything these last few weeks. People I should talk to and visit, things I should get done, it all just gets pushed to the back of my mind, completely ignored and nearly forgotten. I don't know what's been my issue lately, but I've just been so out of it. Not wanting to deal with anyone or anything. I keep myself locked up in my room when I can get away with it, just shutting the whole world out. I have no major online presence anymore, I can't muster the proper amount of giving a fuck to log into any websites I'm a part of. I ignore texts, even got removed from a group chat I was in with a bunch of friends because the amount of silence they all received from me. I just can't be bothered right now. I can't see a reason to deal with people, to deal with things. This rain we've been getting has been a godsend. Now I have an actual excuse not to go out.
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