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It's gotten to that point where I just honestly don't care anymore. I gave everything that was asked for, and when I asked for something? Excuses and more excuses. At this point I just don't give a fuck anymore. I can't.

It's funny, having so much to say, writing it all out, then promptly deleting every single word. What I want to say, I can't. Or rather, I shouldn't do so publicly. Maybe I should just start keeping a hard journal again, something offline, something only I, or whomever I desire to share it with, can read. Because this just isn't the proper place for me to vent, to bear myself for all to see. Not anymore.

Happy birthday...



I miss your company and our conversations. You never failed to make me think about things in a way I never would have before. Wherever life has taken you, I hope it's made you happy. And maybe you'll pop back in here again and say hello. Until then, happy birthday, MrD.

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Cinnamon
15:35 Apr 26 2015

I miss him. I didn't realize he hadn't been on in such a long time. It looks like he and I went on a hiatus at about the same time. I came back, so maybe he will too.

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immortalxkiss
02:08 Apr 27 2015

He did come back for a while, but I suppose life got the better of him, as it tends to do. I hold out hope that he'll return again. Even if it's just for a little while.

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I'm thinking of going without a Society here for a while. I'm not active enough to do any good to anyone. Something to think about.

I'm hoping this pushes things slightly in my favor. Not much, just a little nudge would suffice. In the end it will probably prove futile, all this trying, but even so, I can't help but hope.

I wanted to create something, something for me, something beautiful. But then I remember that my laptop died in August of last year, and I haven't been on an actual computer for nearly just as long and I probably wouldn't know how to use Photoshop anymore even if I did get on the laptop. Bah. Guess I'll just go play the Master Chief Collection instead.

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NeverMind
01:01 Apr 20 2015

Do you have a tablet?

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I just realized, as of April 9th I've been a member of this site for nine years. I didn't notice that until I just looked at my profile and saw the little batty. Uh, yay or something? Yeah, enthusiasm is something I can't really muster right now. Not just in regards to this site, but towards life in general. It's not been a good few days...





But I suppose that even after nine years, I'm still alive and kicking, in a sense. My activity has gone way down, but I'm still here, I still enjoy this place, I still like to check in daily. And, well, that speaks volumes to what Cancer has created for us. I'm glad I joined all those years ago. I'm glad I met the people I have. And while it hasn't always been sunshine and rainbows here, it has been something that has helped me grow. The pain and the tears, the laughter and the smiles, all the memories I wouldn't trade for anything. All thanks to this wonderful website.

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NeverMind
22:58 Apr 18 2015

I've only been here eight years...or going onto eight years. I wish I had kept my original account, I'd probably be on the highest level ever what with how much time I've spent here, and how many profiles I have sired in my time here lol. Happy nineth anniversary! On your tenth anniversary I'll make you an awesome banner, because I have an idea.

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Cinnamon
15:39 Apr 26 2015

I've been here for nine years as well. It's kind of weird to see Profile Created: Feb 20 2006. I took a little break, but I couldn't stay away. I think some of the drama I endured put a sour taste in my mouth and I had to step away ... just for a while. I'm glad to be back. It's funny how some things have changed, but most have stayed the same. I, too, have done a lot of growing thanks to the friendships I have made on this site. I like to think that the Journal here has helped me grow too. This is the one place I feel like I can share what I create without judgment.



Cheers to nine years!

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I'm weak. Not physically, but as a person, emotionally, I'm weak. I'm fragile. People always tell me how strong I am, but they don't understand it at all. Given the chance to see inside my mind they would see how weak, how utterly pathetic, I truly am. I don't say this for pity. I say it as a simple fact I know to be true. I. Am. Weak. I can hardly stand on my own two feet most of the time. I've been asked why I'm so devoted to my family when we haven't always had the best relationship, and it's due to the fact that they can hold me up when I can't do it myself. When I just don't have the strength to face another day, they are there for me. And while it's not always happy and pleasant, they love to be the barers of harsh truths and depressing realities, it's what I need.



I'm sensitive. Really sensitive. I swear, you could probably make me cry with a few harsh words or names. I'm that bad. I don't know how to be anything else, though. I don't know how to have a thicker skin, to not let things said get to me like they do. It's a problem I've been having a lot recently with him... I don't get the time I feel I deserve, he's off with other people doing his own thing, and I automatically assume I'm being rejected, that I'm being ignored and tossed aside. And I lash out. I cry and I scream at him and I hate myself for all of it. Because deep down I know it's not the case, but I feel like it is. I don't know... Maybe everyone who's ever hated me here is right. Maybe I'm bipolar, as someone used to love throwing out there, or maybe I'm just unbalanced. I mean, I've talked to two psychologists in the past few months (for reasons not associated with me being a loon) and neither said I was, but maybe, just maybe, the people on the Internet are right. It's got to be something, right? Normal people aren't so weak. Normal people don't want to hurt others emotionally over precieved slights that never even happened. Normal people don't shut down completely when there's something important that needs to be discussed. Normal people aren't like me. Normal people don't start to cry when things get serious and real. Normal people can handle these issues better.



I lost my train of thought... Today has been rough, to say the least. I think I ruined something that made me so happy, like I always do. It's cyclical. And I can't ever seem to stop myself from going there, from taking things one step too far. I can't stop myself from pushing people away. I tried. I tried so hard. And I've got nothing to show for it. I'm a mess. Things are just so messed up. And I can't do anything to fix it because I'm so weak. Emotionally, I'm not all there. I've retreated behind my walls, so many walls, and just accepted things as they are. It's not what I want to do, but it's all I know how to do. Most times, honestly, I just wish I wasn't me.

I've gotten really into Neverwinter since they ported it to the Xbox One at the end of last month. It's been fun having something to play with my group that isn't, you know, Destiny. As much as I loved Destiny, it's gotten so tired and boring, and since they have yet to release the new expansion, it's just not worth playing anymore. The only issue I have with the game, is that while it is free to play, everything that's good costs real money. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything less, all free to play games are like that. It's just, a tad bit annoying. I can't justify putting money into the game for say, a faster mount, but, I hate always bringing up the rear because my horse is slow as fuck. Overall though, the game is fun. Bit if a grind at times, but that's par for the course with an MMORPG.

So, I had to finally do it. I shot Cancer a message here about my ForwardUntoDawn account. I can't seem to get a response through any other means, so hopefully I will get one here. I know it's my fault for mucking up the password, but I just really would love to have access to that account again. I haven't been able to log in since mid-November.