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It starts with myself, and gradually builds outward from there: A seething, blind rage that feeds on itself like the Ouroboros. Each incarnation, a summation of self-loathing, and an exercise in recursion.



I get it. I always have. I always will.



I understand. It's stupid. It's pointless. It doesn't matter.



It never has. It never will.



But I still hold myself to a higher standard, despite the self-depreciation and maladjusted complexes.



The less I know about you, the easier it is to distance myself, the silence serving as a constant reminder that I don't like you.



I never have. And I probably never will.

39 is the number that I'm staying at, so let's get that out of the way first. If it weren't for (often) factors of co-morbidity, and underlying neurochemical imbalances, I'd probably be okay. Thankfully, in my case, being married to a sex addict has its benefits. If I happened to be impotent, I probably would have checked out a long time ago. That's not to say that I haven't had a long history of self-destructive and suicidal tendencies/ideations/follow-throughs alongside drug abuse, subsequent addiction through self-medication, and the rest of the trainwreck that comes along with it. Coupled with an almost complete lack of self-preservation mechanisms, and apathy, generally, that particular equation usually doesn't end well for the individuals dealing with the aftermath of permanently ending one's own perception of pain. Death is inevitable, but some choose to arrive at their destination sooner than others. Whether or not you agree with me on this statistical guarantee is irrelevant; This is simply how things are whether we like it or not.



So before things get too out of hand, this isn't a warning sign or one of those "cry for help" posts. If the idea crosses your mind at any point, get rid of it. If I wanted to, I would have already done so, and you wouldn't be reading this post. If reading psychological ventposts that one may construe as nailing a list of complaints to someone else's genitalia isn't your thing, you're more than welcome to fuck the hell off, because anything beyond this probably will not interest you in the slightest, I can assure you. The only exception to that could only be one of morbid amusement or trolling.



In either case, keep reading, because you'll end up being entertained at my own expense, or you'll simply lose interest and find something more entertaining that's worthy of either a reference point, or spanking material. And if your hands are feeling frisky, I'll help the rest of you right along with some digital ASCII pr0nz.



(o)(o) Holy shit, it's boobies with nipples.



@=======8 And a gigantic schlong with comically undersized balls.



Now that we've got wet chairs and sticky hands out of the way, if you haven't figured it out by now, allow me to elucidate the purpose of this post. This is where I both vent my own situational negative stressors AND acknowledge what I know to be wrong with me psychologically and physically. This is not an attention seeking post, and although anyone can comment, i'd just rather not and say that they did. At this point, there should be no more difts needing to be caught.



Backtracking ever so slightly, if it weren't for the issues that I'm facing, I would probably be okay. But I'm not, and I know this. And while I never claim to be smart, intelligent, or wise, I AM smart enough to recognize bad ideas when I see them as well as the ability to know and detect incalculable facades of bullshit right off the rip. Wisdom, not so much, as I've made my share of mistakes.



The first of these mistakes was probably excessive drug use. Partly self-medicating, but mostly I just wanted to get fucked up at MY choice. Thankfully, during that 7 year Fear And Loathing phase, i was never caught, and rarely ever had to pay monetarily, although I did write papers and other miscellaneous articles for people who had the means to provide what I wanted. Even though only so many papers can be written, there are other methods of compensation as well that don't involve academic studies. None of the alternative methods involved anything sexual or illegal, if that's what might be inferred.



I'm not entirely sure the exact monetary value of all the drugs that I had obtained and used would be today, even adjusting for inflation, but it was enough that I overdosed on three separate occasions, and significantly enough that most individuals would simply be unable to consume in at least half of their lifetime. When it comes to the question of what kinds of drugs I had done, I can't tell you. Not because I don't want to, but because the list is that extensive, and it's just easier to list the drugs I know with certainty that I haven't done, which happens to be a very small list. This isn't something to be proud of, but simply a statement of fact.



If you've consumed more drugs than I have, good for you, I guess. I don't really care, since I'm not interested in competing in a displays of unmitigated stupidity. If that's what I was trying to accomplish, I could do it with relative ease by posting anonymously on internet forums, and watch niche communities of unwashed ignorant fucks come unhinged at the seams with a few dozen keystrokes. Believe it or not, that's something that can be accomplished with almost no skill level involved whatsoever.



To cover the reason of self-medication should be pretty easy to understand, as it's the same reasons MOST people go to a doctor of some kind. Between misdiagnoses at every turn, or incidents that involved the strong possibility of malpractice suits needing to be filed in order to rectify certain things having gone wrong, it should be obvious why I took matters into my own hands.



For years I've had chronic hallucinations. Incidentally, I believe this is why most hallucinogenic compounds have little or no effect at ANY given dose. It wasn't until recently that I discovered WHY I would constantly have hallucinations. That reason is a combination of Porphyria and Complex Carbohydrate Intolerance.



In regards to Porphyria, Acute Intermittent Porphyria and Porphyria Cutanea Tarda. Thankfully, with PCT, I don't have the manifestation of sun blistering. The photosensitivity is a bitch, though, let me tell you. Imagine for a moment, if you will, that colors are not only more vivid (that also means that you have an enhanced color palate), but almost every object refracts white light, often to an uncomfortable level. Take away the pain from photosensitivity, and you've got yourself a psychedelic experience most would pay a significant amount of money to experience. Don't say the offer wouldn't be tempting, I know you would. That's not the point, though.



The second of many manifestations of Porphyria is hallucinations. What kind of hallucinations? That depends, because the length of the hallucination, along with the context literally seemed to depend on the roll of a dice. Auditory? Check. Sensory/Tactile? Check. Taste? Check. Olefactory? Check. Visual? Hopefully, you didn't miss that last paragraph.



So what caused the hallucinations? Several dozen tests, and eventually taking matters into my own hands once again, I discovered that those who have complex carb intolerance may not produce amylase. And if you happen to have Porphyria, you need a diet that's high in complex carbohydrates, assuming your body produces amylase, which apparently, is something like 99.7% of the human population. That particular problem is easy to tackle: Consume large quantities of sugar on a daily basis, and avoid regular consumption of grains and starches unless shitting log cabins and entire wicker sets at least three times per day just happens to be your idea of a good time, and I would imagine that it would not.



When you don't have enough sugar, or during an attack, glucose is administered via IV. Hypoglycemia can lead to what we'll refer to as "The Everlasting Purge". This is where your body produces about as many toxic proteins as it's able to get rid of. So it never goes into a full-blown attack, but you'll be hallucinating constantly. Also, a good chunk of drugs (including pain medication for neuropathic pain from porphyria) happen to be porphyrogenic, which only makes things worse.



When the body revolts against itself during these times, B12 is used by the body to regulate the nervous system. Vitamin B12 deficiency due to non-methylation caused by a combination of porphyria and complex carb intolerance? You'd better believe that's a paddlin'.



Thankfully, the supplements of methylcobalamin keep the actual hallucinations at bay, but if I miss 2 or more days, they come back in full swing.



Combine that with (all medically diagnosed and documented) Chronic Depression, PTSD, pain from a torn ACL on a knee that was already fractured, and chronic,building negative situational stressors, and you have a snapping point. The reason I don't own a firearm isn't out of fear of safety of others.



It's because squeezing a trigger is that fucking easy.