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Thinking about this on my way home.



I think like a girl. I think in hypotheticals. I ponder what ifs. I feel the need to know what possibilities are out there. I don't always come across clear. My words don't always match my thoughts or intentions.



I do try though. I try to not extrapolate others words. I try to take them at face value and not "run" with what I think they mean. It's not always easy because, well, I'm a girl. :p



Now, just because I know what possibilities are out there doesn't mean I'll put my life on hold, hoping they will come to fruition. I'm smarter than that. I also know if you want something you have to go after it. Life is not a spectator sport and I'd rather play than watch. There's just a certain level of comfort in knowing what "may be" instead of wondering what if.



Now let's get back to playing. GAME ON!

I think I may have finally made it to the place where I can say f*** it and just be. I'm done worrying about what people think of me. I'm done being scared to be who I am. The people who love me, it doesn't matter what I do. They love me because I'm me. The people who judge me on my actions before they get to know me, their loss. Who I am at my core is what matters. Gods above it feels good to finally be ok with that. :D

Ever have one of those nights where you felt the need to write but the words wouldn't come? Yeah, it's one of those. I have so many things spinning in my head and I can't hang on to a single one for long enough to get it down on paper. Maybe I just need to sleep on it.

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Joli
04:45 Sep 25 2008

Yes, it must be going around.

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I don't know what to do. I'm really stuck on this one. I know that I can't have what I want in this situation. At the same time, I'm finding it next to impossible to resist.



I keep looking up to the sky and asking, why? Why now after all this time? What lesson am I here to learn? It's no coincidence that our paths have crossed once again. It's no flash of chance our lives have paralleled. Soul mates who have found each other once again just, not at the right time.



You told me you were happy, that you didn't regret a moment. I can't help to think from your actions that you are trying to convince yourself with those words. Maybe they are true but, what did I do to make you stray?



I have this need to get into your head space. To find out what your thoughts really are. I need to know if you're really happy. I don't know where this is going. I'm scared of where I think it's heading. Can you understand I could never live with myself if you tore your world apart for me? I couldn't allow you to do that.



I'm just a girl, a girl you left 20 yrs ago. It was circumstances beyond our control. We were children lost in the whims of our parents. We can never get that time back. We can never know what might have been.



You know how you said the other night, you wished you could have been there to see me through my darker times? Do you know had you been there, they never would have happened? Do you know that those painful moments moved me from being a meek child to the woman standing here today?



I don't regret a moment. I embrace the pain and I learned from my mistakes. I figured out what I don't want and in turn what I do. I learned what I will and will not tolerate from another human. I was taught if you don't want to get walked on, don't lie down. I was educated to speak my needs and communicate my thoughts. I live in the truth that honesty is the best policy, even when it hurts. I know to get what I want, I have to ask for it.



So I'm asking you, what do you want from me?

I've made a decision over the weekend. It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. Something I've wanted for as long as I can remember. It is the one thing I'm sure of in this world that I want to do.



I've decided to get pregnant after I graduate in May. Now all I have to do is talk to the doctor about my chances...and find a donor. :p

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sPerAnZa
03:49 Sep 18 2008

=] I wish you nothing but the best of luck.



Now I'm all excited.. =D

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May the Goddess hold you and yours in her loving arms tonight and give you some comfort. My heart breaks for you. Much love to you my friend. *hugs*

...They have us all freaked out over this?! Ok, so titration is a little time consuming but, it's not hard. People really need to stop panicking when they hear the word MATH.



Now, on to the real nursing education. *pulls out Med-Surg Nursing textbook with 3 months of dust on it* Back to the grind.

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Morrigon
01:39 Sep 07 2008

MATH!??!



*dives out window*

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faeriemoon
03:23 Sep 07 2008

LMAO! I *heart* you.

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KCRC
00:34 Sep 08 2008

Oh I used to LOVE doing titrations!



Chemistry rocks!

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birra
05:16 Sep 08 2008

I hear the word titration all the time from nurses... I figure it's something to do with their infusions...



...just an educated guess...

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faeriemoon
05:37 Sep 08 2008

CORRECT! We are required to get at least an 85% on the med-calc test this semester. If you don't, you fail. End of story. About 1/3 of the class gets left behind because of it. I'm sooo not worried about it.

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Morrigon
04:42 Sep 14 2008

I thought titration was something that happens in strip clubs...

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I wanted to write something tonight but, the words escape me. I feel as if I've repeated myself over and over. Like my words here are running the same loop as my head. I'm still contemplating, I'm still processing, I'm still trying to let go.



Tonight the rain came. I've never felt so happy and calm about the warm drops on my skin. Never has something so simple brought back such a beautiful memory.



It was a dream I held and it happened only on chance. I know you'll see these words. I hope they bring a smile. Thank you for gifting me the rain.

You know what? I'm sorry I found out at the last minute that class is until 3 tomorrow and I can't make it in until 3:30. I'm sorry it put such a crimp in your flippin' day. But, you have coverage until I get there so unknot your panties.



SCHOOL is my priority, not your precious store. It's a job to me, a job I enjoy because of the challenges and the people. When I walk out the door at the end of the day, it's over. I leave work at work and don't give it a second thought until I have to come in again.



Don't threaten my job because you think you'll scare me. I'm not afraid of you. I never have been. Save the petty bullshit for the kids.



I respect you but, you are quickly losing that respect. Don't forget, I have another job that's been asking for months if I can work more hours. The ONLY reason I said no was because of you. They pay me more and they have a better benefits package. I didn't go full time when they asked because I enjoyed working with the people in your store.



Get off your damn high horse and get over yourself. I'm one of the best technicians you have and you know it. The next time you threaten my job I'll make sure you feel the repercussions.



BAH! Jerk

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KCRC
19:15 Sep 03 2008

You wants me and da boys roll in from Philly and give him the once over, twice?

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birra
19:21 Sep 03 2008

You know what your problem is? You haven't been fired recently.



See, I fire all of my employees at least once a week, just too keep them appreciative.



:p

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faeriemoon
01:55 Sep 04 2008

lol, Thanks KC but, I think I can handle him myself. I wasn't the only one he had it out with that day.



And no Birra, I haven't been fired since I was 18 and I don't plan on it ever happening again. :p



Most days he's wonderful to work for but lately him and I having been butting heads. We had it out before I left for AK and twice...wait...three times since I've been back. All I can say is he better cool his jets or he's going to be one pharmacy tech short.

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It has already hit close to home. It threatens the homes of people I care about. It has brought to the forefront the fears they faced only three years ago. And now a phone call from Alaska brings it even closer.



I just got off the phone with my best friend of 17 years. Her husband, who is in the National Guard, has just volunteered and been deployed to help in any search and rescue needed.



My thoughts and prayers are already with all of you in Gustav's path. I've been watching the news and reading your journals. I am happy to see so far, so good. I know there will be clean up that needs to be done. There will be homes that must be rebuilt again. My hope is less lives will have to be rebuilt.



When you are able to return home, if you see a National Air Guard unit from Alaska and maybe a Sgt. Higby, tell him a girl from New Jersey says thank you for caring enough to help her friends. Here's wishing you all well. Safe journies my friends.

This thought has been running through my head since a little boy, who only knew me for a few hours, insisted on sitting next to me at the dinner table. Since two girls, who had only met me for a few moments, begged me to join in a game of Wii. They have so much of their father in them. They remind me of us when we were young. Yet it made me wonder. In another time, in another place, in an alternate world, would these children...be mine?



Along with this question begs the answer, would I be the same? I don't believe so. I wish I could say yes but, everything I've experienced in my life has brought me to this place. It has brought me to this time. To this woman I am finally learning to embrace.



Every moment in my life has had a purpose. Even the moments I felt I couldn't move forward from. Every heartbreak has made me stronger. Every love has made me feel more worthy. Every hello and good-bye to friends I have loved and lost has taught me something.



I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. Though it would be nice to know how my life would've turned out, I wouldn't trade a moment of the life I have now.



I will always love him, I always have, but I can't continue to ponder what might have been. Time now to consider what could be and what is. Tomorrow is a new day, a new adventure, a new chance to embrace the here and now.



You will always have a piece of my heart and I will always call you friend. Thank you will never be enough for everything you gave me in one simple day. We will always have the rain...