The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Do I go to NY and visit some really awesome peeps next weekend or do I stay home and go to my friend's husband's surprise 50th bday party?



If I don't go to NY I may not have another opportunity this summer but, if I miss the party some people around here are gonna be bummed.



Damnit I hate making these decisions...

Please someone explain to me how the hell I do this to men? I've got a select few across the country (some who haven't seen me in YEARS) who still profess crushes and the like. I don't get it, I really don't. I mean there are moments it can be fun but at the same time I feel like I'm creating my own downfall. All of them are infatuated but none of them are ever going to commit...so why bother?



I guess the best line one offered is, "Hon, you're a tease, and damn good at it." Is that it? Do y'all really enjoy the tease? It's just me being me. I'm not trying to be a tease and trust me, I'm not one to leave a guy hanging...if I'm interested, I'm on it. :p



So yeah...any ideas?

Back home after 5 days in Florida. Good trip, did a whole lot of nothin' :D



I miss them the moment I get on the plane to head back to Jersey. I miss the silliness, and the ability to explore my darker side. I miss the honesty and the ability to be completely me. To be more than just the girl next door...the girl that no one expects I am...the girl who earned the CB handle "deceiver" in high school.



I am so much more than whats on the surface but fear...maybe not fear...something akin to fear...almost requires me to hide beneath this mask. What society expects of the professional I wish to become makes me fearful to express my inner "demons".



I am just a girl, and I can be very soft and feminine and yes I enjoy those moments. But I'm also a creature who enjoys pleasure beyond what's considered "normal". I'm a masochist and a submissive who has yet to find a man who isn't afraid I'll break. Well, I have found one, or two, who are either physically or emotionally unavailable or both. This IS NOT an invitation so don't even...



I suppose it's my own fear which holds me back. I'm the one who is afraid of what others will think. I'm the one looking for acceptance. I'm the one who doesn't want to freak out the guy I'm dating by saying, "hey babe, the next time we have sex can we...oooh, I don't know...play with asphyxiation?"



In the end what I'm really trying to say is, yes I miss them, but I really miss HIM.

I've been awarded a scholarship through the Chamber of Commerce in the town I work in. $1000 will pay for a good chunk of my tuition or books or lab fees or whatever. It's money that isn't coming out of my pocket. YAY



I paid off my Alaska student loans today! So now all I have to worry about is the thousands I'm racking up here in Jersey...only difference is I may actually OBTAIN a degree this time. :p



I got a 91 on my final and an 88 over all. B+ in Nursing school 2nd semester...not bad. :D



hmm, what else...oh yeah. I'm going to Florida in 10 days. WOOHOO! Just not gonna party as hard as I did last time I was there...



k, I think that's all for now. All in all, turning out to be a fantastic week.



*does happy dance*

COMMENTS

-

---

Morrigon
03:28 May 15 2008

Awesome! You rule.

---

birra
03:22 May 21 2008

Good job Faerie!



I wish I was half the student you are when I was in college.

---

POST COMMENT

Finals are OVER!!!!! and a boy I've been crushin' on kissed me... Yay

-warning, slight pity party in progress-



There are just times I wonder, when is it my turn? I've watched so many of my friends marry, divorce, find love again and be truly content. Yet hear I am 32 yrs old, never married, no kids and still staring at another year of college.



One of my best friends has recently met the man she's probably going to marry. Though every fiber in my being is happy for her, a part of me is jealous too. I just wonder sometimes if it's my plight to remain single, to never know the feeling of true companionship.



I wonder if I think I'm ready and yet the cosmos knows I'm not. What do I have left to do? What more must I prove or endure? I say I don't have time, but it's a lie. If it was important enough to me I'd make time... there's always time. Yet I feel like I'm running out of time.



Then there's the factor of meeting the right men at the wrong time... I keep coming back to words from Alanis Morissette, "It's like meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife." Back to the feeling that the timing of my life is off.



I suppose it's time to stop pondering the what if's. It's too late to change what has come before. Time now to look forward, but to what I wonder. Is he really there, standing in my path? Guess there's no way to know if I don't pick up my head and move forward. Time to move forward... always time...

COMMENTS

-

---

deathnitegrl
17:55 May 11 2008

I feel the same way and I am 23.



All my friends already have good jobs, a car, some liveo n their own and almost all have a relationship and some are already married and have kids.



I feel small compared to them, but then I realise I've got good things too.



Good luck, when the right moment arrives the right man arrives, I guess, hope he won't have a wife because that happens to me too.

---

Sinora
18:11 May 11 2008

Yes, moving forward is the only way. Probably meet him when your hairs a mess you have pms real bad and your wearing something you just threw on *smiles*

---

birra
03:37 May 13 2008

Here is the problem....



...no one gets a "turn."



Life, is your turn.



Now timing is another matter. It's all a matter of timing... and taking advantage of opportunities. And not being afraid to take risks.



You're not going to trip over the guy of your dreams walking down the street. If you did, that would be scary and you might have to buy him some soup first...



Just get out there and keep your eyes... and options.. open.

---

POST COMMENT

I got so lost in reading journals and what not I forgot why I turned the computer on in the first place. Time to go buy plane tickets to Florida. YAY! Then I'll return to my regularly scheduled torture... I mean studying.

COMMENTS

-

---

TheHellequin
08:46 May 11 2008

we've all been there lol

---

POST COMMENT

I have donut holes and coffee... should be good to go for another 8 hours :p

Yes at 32 years old I still call the man daddy. I probably always will. He had surgery on Monday and it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride. Monday night the nurse missed the fact that his medication pump had just come loose and he went 3 hours with NO pain meds...fab.



Tuesday he was complaining of a gas bubble in his stomach that just wouldn't let loose. His blood pressure was seriously low and he was retaining fluid. This of course all culminated in a tremendous amount of pain.



Doctor came in Tuesday afternoon and sent him to ICU. GAH! There they gave him a diuretic and he was finally able to go to the bathroom and his blood pressure is coming up. Last I talked to mom they were sending him for a CT scan to make sure there's no internal bleeding. After that they should be sending him back to a regular room.



This, of course, is all happening in Alaska and I'm stuck here in Jersey. It's driving me freaking mad.



My dad is my rock, my hero. He's always there for me. I suppose its moments like these where I really appreciate everything he does. I tell him every time I talk to him that I love him, but right now, it doesn't feel like enough. *cries*