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I'm ashamed at myself. Two days ago, I couldn't stop myself from cutting. I don't even know how many there are! There's so many. But the thing that shocked me was that I actually cut my wrists..... But not deep. Only enough to make myself bleed.... not a lot, but just enough to satisfy myself. But I regret doing this, because now I must hide them. My mother would get so pissed! But I haven't cut for soooooooo long! I guess I'm fine now.... and it did help me feel better. No. No more cutting. I refuse to continue cutting. I promised Zak I wouldn't. So.... I must TRY!!!

I used to harm myself with my trusty scissors. I’d usually cut my arms and fingers. Why did I do this? It started out with anger and depression, then I wanted to taste my blood. Weird, right? I know.



But I was forced to quit, because my mother said that she would beat my ass if I didn’t stop. She can be so mean sometimes…

Thankfully, the cuts weren’t as deep as other cutters. I’m not that crazy. I don’t want serious scars on my body. Though, I still have scars, but they’re hardly noticeable.

A lot of people say they feel lost, alone and empty. Most of the time they're lying. I don't feel alone or lost, but empty? Yes, I do feel empty. I look at my past and nothing really exciting ever happened. I look at the present and I see one exciting thing. And that thing is a boy. I look at the future and see heartbreak. My life is dull and unfair. Of course life is always unfair. A lot of bad things happen and not enough good things happen.

I feel empty...

Is there anything I can do that would make a differance? Whether it be a differance in the world or a small differance in myself it doesn't matter.

When I was younger, my life was filled with laughter and happiness. Now... now my lifes not all that great anymore. It's not the worst life, but it used to be better.

I no longer feel safe with my parents. My mother seems like she's always finding a reason to touch me (not in a perverted way). And my father looks at me a lot. (he doesn't have a perverted expression). They never knock and wait to be allowed in my room. They either knock and come right in or skips knocking and barges right on in.

I'm not close to anyone in my family. I'm serious! The closest person I know is my best friend Shannon. So what happens? She moves away!

I can't really trust any of my friends except for Shannon and Zak.

No matter what I do or think, I lways feel like I don't have anyone.

I never cry or shout with anger. I'm no kidding. I don't cry, because it makes me feel even more weaker then what I am. I don't express anger, because I'll get punished.

And with these two emotions building up inside of me, I just lose it. I try my very best to make sure I'm completely alone. It was only four days ago when I last lost it. I was home alone at night and all of a sudden I just...cried uncontrollably. I cried and yelled at the same time. (My dog didn't know what was going on. Poor thing.) Eventually, I stopped and boy did my eyes hurt!

Even after I cry, I still feel empty. I admit there's a weight lifted, but.....



.....I don't know......

I believe there are two sides to love. Good and Bad (of course).



Good: It's like you've died and gone to Heaven! Or you're just really living for the first time ever. It makes you feel so special and important. It's unbelievable.



Bad: Rips out your heart and sets it on fire. Then leaves you there to die as you watch the one you loved walk away with a smirk.

You may say that love sets you free, but how can that be? Can't you see? Love has imprisoned me! I'm locked inside a cage full of broken promises, despair and loneliness. I can see the key, but it's out of reach. You have abandoned me, so now I am all alone with no one to love me.