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You reach a point where the pain becomes so unbearable that you must either change the way you feel, or you will die. I have reached that point. It is time for me now to shut down all my emotions. I don't want to feel anymore. Everything around me is falling to pieces. The only haven I have is work. I can bury myself in work and be alone in my little world, but at least my mind is occupied elsewhere. I can't handle the pain of losing everything and everyone. It is time for me to teach myself how not to feel. How to become completly numb.

I am trying so hard right now to learn how to get over this hollow feeling of emptiness. Just before christmas, I lost my best friend. He didn't die or anything horrible like that, he just turned his back on me and betrayed me in a way I never thought he would or could. I feel like I was fooled for years into believing he was somebody completely different. I feel like he used me. I am a person who doesn't have many friends, in fact I can count them all on one hand. And it takes alot for me to trust somebody the way I trusted him. He saved my life on more then one occassion, and kept my sanity in check. He was everything to me, and I would give the world for him.

Now, I don't know how to keep these feelings of emptiness from consuming me completly. I am taking this all very hard. I feel like I am dead inside. I have completly turned off my feelings in an attempt of self-defense, and I have become a souless empty shell.

My situation is very different, because I can't just walk away from this person. He lives with me. He is my brother-in-law.

I needed to get this off my chest. I have no one to talk to, so that is why I am posting it in my journal. Yes, it's very personal. But it is who I am and who I have become. I am dead.