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i wonder when my sleep schedule will get back on schedule. have been sleeping 3hrs for two days straight. did sleep good last night but fear i won't sleep much. have had so much on my mind lately. Jealous of my family...they seem so happy all the time. My sis ann glows because its just what some mother's do. they glow from the love of thier children and husband. I wish i had that. sigh. I might work with children I hope i do cause well need to be around them. :/ i don't know maybe its just my biological clock ticking cause i'm a 3 years away from being thirty...sigh and with the new year it'll only be two more years away. I always thought i'd be married and have kids, a career...by now not complete loneliness and emptiness.

I find that the longer that I'm around people the more I want to distance myself. I feel what they feel and sometimes its just too much. I love my friends but being depressed all the time doesn't help me. I love you but bloody freaking hell think of happy thoughts once in a blue moon. I'm tierd of being sad or angry all the time. I feel like curling up and crying and yet know it won't do me any good. sigh. I just want my friends to be happy. Is that so damn wrong? why can't they just be happy or at least pretend to be happy around me so I don't feel their sadness. At least then I won't feel like curling up and hiding from the world.

I need to release anger any suggestions?

COMMENTS

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birra
19:29 Dec 12 2011

Angry, aggressive sex marathons always do the trick for me...

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I find I've been overly protective of certain peoplel in my life and sometimes wonder why. I say its because I'm concerned but is it because I don't want them out of my life. I don't know. my friends I want close to me seem like knights of old but not. I have images of them in my head always by my side but when they find someone they want. I get insanely jealous or hurt by it. Like I don't even exsist. Sigh. I hurt so much inside and know its my own fault for not being the one who can speak her mind. I find that some people irk me wrong because of what they have done in the past and not presently. I still long ways to go to recover from what I've been through. I'm so angry and hurt that sometimes I just wish that life could continue on without me. I know its wrong to think that way but can't help these thoughts. I wonder why I was even born..was I born to watch everyone find happiness and not me. Sigh. I don't know what to think anymore. I cry myself to sleep because the pain is just too real. My dreams haven't pleasant and I wonder who can i rely on and lean on to stop this pain. I will love you til the day I die. I may not be as obssessed as others seem to be but I do love you and god I just wish for death. Someone please give me that sweet release.

Oh the rage that burns within me.

The man who claims i claimed him. heh

If i claimed you, you would know.

I lust I dream I feel. I am everything and nothing and shall remain that way for all time being.

If i was wild animal i would be pacing ready to tear out throats but I have kept my composure as best as I can.

I've had enough with other women's games and claiming i try to call him my own when i never had done so. I know he'll never be mine so why try to claim what can never be.

I wonder why my energy merged with another. Why i am not fully awakened? And why of all people him????? sigh. I love another and yet i am with him. Sigh. My love for this man is deep and undiluted with time or exsistance. I loved him in the past and still do in this era. You think i'd gotten over him but the heart wants what it wants not caring how much pain it causes. How many minutes, hours, days, weeks, years it took to find the one male. sigh. how can it be this way? I just don't understand anything anymore. It seems i'm always fighting to be by him and never able to be that close. sigh. time will tell i suppose. i don't know wether for or against me but it shall be seen what is to become of me.

I hate these last few weeks. Almost every damn day i get roped into some type of fucking drama. I'm sick of it. I'm nice to freaky everyone and all i get is bullshit. I get friends mad at me because someone said something to make them mad. Then i deal with it. I'm sick of dealing with everyone...I'm just about ready to fucking get run over or jump of a bridge then i wouldn't have to deal with this shit. I'm stressed out enough I dont' need anymore added stress. I don't like games, dramas lies deceit just be freaky straight up and honest. don't try to use me and don't make me an excuse to be angry.

*Love to all my friends and family*