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it was a normal Thursday or so i thought i was only 8 and i got to admit its one of the most difficult things i have had to deal with through out my life but on the 4th of may 2006 i was awoken by my mother with tears streaming down her face i didn't know what was going on i just had woken up and was quite sleepy she told me the bad news and i went back to sleep, i didn't hear what she told me so i did not know until i woke up again and got ready for school and i waited downstairs as per usual like every other school day but today was different something wasn't right every day i would be walked to school by my brother i would wake up have a bath brush my teeth and get ready for school and wait by the front door and then he would walk me to the gates but today he wasn't there to take me so i walked on my own and arrived at the school gates everyone asked me oh wheres your brother and i couldn't tell them because i didn't know, it was coming up to break time and it was still on my mind where was he i missed him a lot cause i would feel safe when he walks me to school and back home. lunch came around and i was on my own just sat eating my orange when i felt something really odd like something bad happened i felt really sick so i went home and as i arrived home there was a lot of people at the house and they all cuddled me and was telling me i'm sorry you had to hear about your brother and i looked at them confused and they started crying i didn't know until i was finally told i waited all day to be told that my brother had died in the early hours of the morning i had no idea what to feel he was my friend my carer my everything and now he is gone and to see my own mother in a state that was unspeakable was even worse soon the news papers started to come along and before i knew it there was people coming up to me in school and giving me hugs people that i didn't even know was giving me hugs, a few weeks passed and i noticed a tree in our town center that had been covered with notes i spent most of my time sat reading them all and it really helped me cope with all the difficult pain everyone referred to me as little man and just hearing it now breaks me everytime the time i spent reading those notes gave me time to write up something to say at his funeral i can sort of remember it it goes a little like this " i know your not here now but you can still listen you was my friend brother and soul mate it hurts knowing your gone but you will always protect me no matter what i will always love you and i will never forget you i miss you and i always will thank you for the all the great adventures you took me on and i wish i could of had one more before you had gone" i read that out in-front of 350 people and i broke down as it finished because it really hit me that he was actually gone, i tried to go back to a normal life but that didn't go so well i got bullied because i was on the front page of the news paper about my dead brother and people used that to torment me they used my dead relative and this was a matter of days when this started happening so i never even got to settle back in to school anyway i just gave up and let it all happen and in the end i stopped caring and just bottled it all up and never spoke about it again until now.

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vampiricangel20
18:44 Jun 29 2017

That's heatkbreaking especially you being so young, what happened was tragic and aweful hope ur ok x

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darkdrinker
21:49 Jun 29 2017

yeah im okay thank you and thank you for caring it means a ton to me x

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this is how everything started 4 years ago i met a girl who i cared for a lot we did everything together even though we lived so far apart we loved each other and we spoke for hours on end over video calls sometimes we would fall asleep together and let the call run over while we slept from exhaustion. soon days past months went by and we slowly started to break apart the arguments came, then began the cycle of pain from us both she started telling me about the times where she cheated on me and bragged about it i felt weak and defenseless because she could find love and i couldn't we eventually broke apart and left each other a few months passed and i found love again much closer to home as well we spoke for a few days then met up and i went around her house a few times and did the usual talk play games and cuddle but then one night she wanted more than cuddles and games she told me she wanted sexual stuff so i agreed until she started telling me she wanted sex i told her no but that wasn't what she wanted to hear she pushed me on to her bed and forced herself upon me again i told her no but she carried on i felt sick and hurt by her doing these things i kept telling her to stop but she carried on i couldn't do anything i tried but in the end i just let it happen like the weakling i am i get dressed and leave her home immediately and ride home and was sick on arrival a day went past and i receive a phone call from her telling me she was pregnant i was over the moon but also really worried because my attacker was having my child i didn't know what to do so i called up my friend and he told me to calm down and everything was going to be okay, i took a visit to the girls house and noticed something wasn't right this was 3-4 months after she told me she was pregnant when i saw her she was stick thin and not showing any signs of being pregnant i thought nothing of it until i got home and my friend told me she had lied the entire time to try and get me back i broke down in tears and i didn't leave the house for 5 months because i was just so heart broken that she would do that to me and thus ends the part of where it went down hill for me.

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Dakotah
01:17 Jun 29 2017

when you told her no and she kept forcing you, basically you were raped my friend. and then to have her fake being pregnant... be grateful she is out of your life. You need to talk to someone who can help you work though this. Then once you have; get back out there just this time set the bar a lot higher because you deserve much better.

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vampiricangel20
07:49 Jun 29 2017

That's so heartbreaking and such a horrible thing to go through and you deserve to be happy :)

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darkdrinker
14:29 Jun 29 2017

thank you both for your kindness it really goes a long way and i appreciate it highly

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where can i start on how i feel well lets start back a few years times were good i was loving life until i hit a wall of pain sadness heart ache and worry this lasted a few months i was in a terrible place i couldn't sleep i wouldn't eat i wouldn't do anything i wouldn't even go outside i spent my days inside pouring my heart out to music that had meaning, no one would of understood if i told them how i felt because only i knew how i felt i bottled it up inside me for months upon months until it finally broke and i let out all the pain i was feeling when i met my friend and my best friend at that he took me in and cared for me even when he had his own problems he cared for me, lets get back to the present back to now currently im still feeling the same im learning to control the feelings ive bottled up again i still have outbursts of pain but i quickly close the lid and calm myself down but its not enough i need comforting and caring for i do all the things right to find someone who wants to comfort me but then i mess it all up and push that person away and then it makes me feel even worse and i slowly start to fall back in to my old self from years back no one will understand until i let them understand how i feel i guess this place is the only place where i can get out of the black box im currently in and let out my feelings, this is only the beginning of how i feel more will come as time goes on and i start to fall even further than before.

COMMENTS

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vampiricangel20
07:52 Jun 29 2017

I completely understand where your coming from with this entry, and it's hard to explain all the pain and you feel no one would understand so you just shut yourself down as I do the same thing

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