august 30, 200909:53 Aug 30 2009
Times Read: 538
sometimes i wonder where my life is headed, am i destined to be alone forever or am i one day going to meet that one special someone who will finally complete my life and take me on my wildest dreams. will things ever get better for me and my family, or will it continue the way it has been. i just wish things would get better...i mean it seems like there's so much heart ache.
it'll be easier once the depression lessens...hopefully that'll be one day soon. with all i've been through over the course of my life, it's goten worse and worse, and i've had one nervous breakdown and 2 mild heart attacks already...last thing i need is anything worse. i mean...i no longer have meds for my depression as my coverage has been cancelled...i hate the scars left from my past, and nothing i do seems to work.
the only time i feel any relief is when i cut, do cupping, or blood letting. but i wish there was another way...and it's funny...cause i have no scars from cutting and what not...yet i have scars from what the two jerks in my past did that hurt me. how is that possible?
i mean i cut and so forth, yet nothing. then when the guys had beaten me and raped me, i have the scars from the knife wounds, cigarette burns, and more....it just doesn't make any sense. i hate it...i really do. the more i think about my childhood up to now....i wish i had never lived my life. the only good that's come so far are my kids....that's it....and they are the only thing keeping me from doing anything stupid right now. without them i wouldn't still be alive on this world.
i feel so alone and lost. like there's nothing for me here other than to fend for my kids. i just wish i had something more, but i guess that'll never happen. i'm freaking 26 years old, still haven't been in love, other than with one who died in my arms before i could tell him, another who ended up in a coma before i could tell him.
i swear that should tell me something...and the only thing i get is that i'm not meant to be loved in return....and i'm not meant to share my feelings with others. my life is empty and meaningless it seems....but at least i have my two wonderful, adorable kids. the loves of my life...the ones who make each day worth living even if i am always depressed and lonely. at least i have them...and they'll never leave me or so i hope.
i mean...family wise that's all i have...well, and my mom...but we don't get to talk much or see each other...so it's hard there, but i know she'd be there if she could. she's the only one who understands. the closest thing i have to family is my best friend tony and nathan....and then there's sara.
tony is like a brother to me...and always will be. i love him with all of my heart, and he's always been there to support me when i fall. i don't know what i would do without him. he's my everything, and watches over me and my kids. he'll always hold a place in my heart...and no one will ever be able to tear that bond apart.
nathan is my best friend...and i can't really look at him as a brother, as he was the one in the coma. i don't care how much damage was caused by the wreck, or the fact that he's overseas for 2 years...he will always hold a piece of my heart as he was the one who turned my life around to a point. without him i don't know where me and my kids would be right now...and i would've never known of about my gay ex-husband and so forth. he helped me get out of that. and because of him...i pulled through when i was almost dead...literally. which is why i got the tattoo i did and had him there with me to do it....and i had his initials branded on me.
my very first love will always be with me as he was my first real love and my best friend...and he's been by my side ever since. he hasn't left me from day one...and i still talk to him to this day even if he is dead. i see him daily and he tries to guide me the best he can, even knowing that my mind has always over powered his. but we both know that i have to move on, and that he will be there from here on out to protect me the best he can against anything that happens.
and then there's sara...a wonderful, caring girl...who even though she doesn't think too highly of herself at times....has tried to be there for me the best she can. she just doesn't get a lot of it...and sooner or later we'll help her understand, but it takes time. it's hard for people to understand when they haven't been there themselves through some of what i have been through. i just hope that she can bear with me and understand that only time will tell what will be revealed and so forth.
other than that, i don't even know what else to say in this. it's just a hard thing to deal with, and i'm still coping with a lot of it. not even a counselor was able to help...but maybe one day i will find someone who can help me through it all. til then i have my brother who's doing the best he can and is guiding me the best that he knows how to...mostly based on our beliefs and so forth.
COMMENTS
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CancerianGryffin
12:19 Aug 31 2009
this was good...and kind of like dr. seuss with all the rhyming at the beginning, hehe. and you know you'll always be safe with me :)