FUNNIEST STORY EVER TOLD18:15 Sep 21 2005
Times Read: 705
A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a
Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only
night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete
with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards.
It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two
circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat
down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of
kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and
beef were consumed that evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-
Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.
I had! not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had
eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure
on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward
pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in
batches right at the table without to much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with
explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far
faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
Entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the
sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom.
Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit
whe! n I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and t he only thing I hate
worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire
cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the
door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a
bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the
pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions. I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain. "The Move."
Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time
comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be
stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously
approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to posi! tion ones ass toward said toilet,
hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the
squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in
the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on
the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the
front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is
truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of
vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night;
it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall.
Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the
pressure upward was! so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that
reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach,
four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was
so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them
as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the
goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched
down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my
esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter
what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since
shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do
not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was
thus diverted. At that very spl! it second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a
wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In wake of
Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic
feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of
greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the
toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation
to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed
into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet
seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to
sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered
myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain ! point, you're
going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of
considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and
deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-
pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved
and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining
on about one third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon. Now, back to the
vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had
actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the
macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do
when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though.
Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly opened legs,
posit! ioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now
pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention
that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty
push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat
Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom
down by my feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event
ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that
had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic tiled walls to a height of about five
feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with
droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in
the shape of a toilet se! at. And there was no fucking toilet paper.
What could I do but lau gh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who
then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so
hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask
him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet
paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way
was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going
to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I
needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he
left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants
or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and
with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to ! her (still laughing and having
trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I
had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a
small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt
immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across
the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by
that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And
she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing.
She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I
would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She
left.
The manager then came back in with a half dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked
him to also bring a mop and bucket upon whic! h he assured me that they would clean up
anything that needed to b e cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that
what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone
to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just
slightly above.
At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that
manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions.
He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls
and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy.
Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located
under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing,
my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed
the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that! came from the store, handing the bag
to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in
the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in
the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At
that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep
it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall,
washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose
and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all
he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me
with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up
again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting! to pick me up
by the front door. The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at
Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in
which I have eaten.
I did not write this. The original copy I read a couple years ago said unknown.
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