18:44 Feb 21 2014
Times Read: 502
Church for Profits
Lights, camera, silence on the set
Tape rolling, 3, 2, 1, action
Welcome to the Church of Suicidal
We'll have a sermon and a wonderful recital
But before we go on there's something I must mention
An important message I must bring to your attention
I was in meditation and prayer last night
I was awakened by a shining bright light
Overhead a glorious spirit
He gave me a message and you all need to hear it
"Send me your money," that's what he said
He said to "Send me your money"
Now if you can only send a dollar or two
There ain't a hell of a lot I can do for you
But if you want to see heaven's door
Make out a check for five hundred or more
"Send me your money"
Do you hear what I said?
"Send me your money"
Now give me some bass, umm, yeah, that's how he likes it
Now give me some silence, for all you sinners
Now give me some bass, yea that was funky
Now take them on home Brother Clark, send me your money
Here comes another con hiding behind a collar
His only god is the almighty dollar
He ain't no prophet, he ain't healer
He's just a two bit goddamn money stealer
Send me your money
Send it, you got to send it
Send me your money
You hear what I'm saying?
"Send it, send it
Send me your money"
How much you give is your own choice
But to me it is the difference between a Porsche and a Rolls Royce
I want you to make it hurt when you dig into your pocket
'Cause it makes me feel so good to watch my profits rocket
Send me your money
Now dig in deep, dig real deep into your pocket
I want you to make it hurt, we'll take cash, we'll take checks
We'll take credit cards, we'll take jewelry
We'll take your momma's dentures if they got gold in them
So whose gonna be the next king of the fakers
Whose gonna take the place of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker?
See my momma, she didn't raise no fool
'Cause you can't put a price on a miracle
Amen
Read more: Suicidal Tendencies - Send Me Your Money Lyrics | MetroLyrics
20:37 Feb 15 2014
Times Read: 572
Just too hard to ignore this. I mean this is a prime example of how uneducated people can be.
Found in The Sand Box
Misery loves Company,there unhappy,stay away from there negitivty,there not worth your time,these people feed on negitivity,and they have very low esteem,there not worth my time or space.
15:15 Feb 15 2014
Times Read: 583
Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.
Narcisism: I am the shit!
And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens-one day at a time!
04:53 Feb 07 2014
Times Read: 631
CITY OF EAST LOS ANGELES
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: _____________________________ Gang: ___________________________
Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?
Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in the gang *hasn't* Hector knocked up?
BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more girls can Hector knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with 3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm method" of birth control?
Nailed It!04:36 Feb 07 2014
Times Read: 633
This may be a repeat and I can't remember the source, but it goes like this:
There was a wealthy Jew (non-Christian) who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.
He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.
So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.
Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed, "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign: a billboard.
As they drove to the sight, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails."
The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.
One week later the son again exclaimed that he was "finished," and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read:
"This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails"
02:07 Feb 07 2014
Times Read: 647
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
01:48 Feb 07 2014
Times Read: 650
> Theres nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell
> her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most
> of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
>
> An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he
> approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing
> the Doctor for today?"
>
> "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
>
> The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
> crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
>
> "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
>
> The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
> this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
> with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
> Doctor in private."
>
> The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
> others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
>
> The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
>
> The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
>
> "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
>
> The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
> advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
>
> "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
>
> The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.
01:24 Feb 07 2014
Times Read: 653
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
01:09 Feb 07 2014
Times Read: 661
Today's lesson
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the
rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!
00:53 Feb 07 2014
Times Read: 663
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
COMMENTS
-