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This is odd for me to talk about things, that have caused me pain but I think it is time to let go of all of it , I hope I don't regret this or it comes back to haunt me.





Hmm where to start? I guess the longest ago the earliest form of abuse. To be quite frank I have lived my whole life as a victom, never realized it til I write about it in my journals.



I guess, here goes nothing right.



My mom got married again to I thought was my dad, but he wasn't as I know now today and learned over time, and mind you my mom married many times, I was three, she got pregnant and he was good to us til then, I don't know what happened I thought I was bad I guess, just got spankings and all. One night when I was asleep I awoke and heard the door open and it was him, my dad( Iwas wrong it was a monster) he ripped the covers off of me had his belt in hand and started beating my legs, my mom came in she was pregnant and I was four she was to have my little sister soon, well he left me alone for awhile after that, it took awhile for that to heal, mom kept a healing ointment on hand for cuts and wounds of this type.



Well we moved again, I was five then and things were ok and I would go to his business after school on the way I would stop at the A&W rootbeer place a couple businesses down from where we was, he owned a car lot, well I came walking in after having a good day and mom was there with my little sister and we all left. He took mom and my sister home and said we were going to take care of something, my mom went in the house and him and I left together, I didn't think nothing about it he hadn't beat me since that one time at least not like that.

He had gotten me a horse and wanted to show me it so we went to the stables where they housed horses in davenport where I lived at that time. That is the first time he touched me in a sexual way, from then on it was everyday for three years, when I was eight he actually had sex with me, I told my mom and she called me a whore and did nothing. I went to my uncle about it, this went on for about a year more then one day dad disappeared. and I then realized it was my fault. My mother hated me from that point on. My mom did get remarried again and I was around eleven at this time . He was a carnival worker, and he liked me too, every night he would come in after mom went to bed and come tuck me in , I had a little girl at the age of twelve and got put in foster care after that for awhile. My moms husband was found in the mississippi river shot dead, they never found his murderer. I went to live with my uncle for awhile when I was fourteen him and his wife were good to me but I didn't know how to deal with normal. so I went back home to my mom.



She moved my sister and I again this time to arkansas to live there with her soon to be husband. He was a good man, and he never hurt me in anyway, thank goodness, I never cried about any of that stuff nor did I talk about it I felt I was a evil child my mom hated me she always said I was not of natural things and was the devils whore. So in time the abuse started again it was my husbands friends mind you I got married at seventeen to get out of the house. My husband like to share his prizes. We got divorced, then I got married a second time and a third, now Im divorced after thirteen years almost since 1999 december 23. The funny thing is I keep finding abusive men rather it be mental, sexual, physical, stress. I really must be the devils daughter or spawn to have all that in my life. I don't know they all seem normal for awhile i'm happy for awhile but they turn into the thing that keeps my mind awake all the time. I don't sleep anymore, maybe what my mom said so many years ago is true. I was the only child she had that was bad and all I deserve is bad things. I am glad I'm here in this coven my friend hannah rose is dear to me she was kind enough to let me in here and I love her for that.



more to come