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i might have a date on friday,



nothin else goin on

oh how i hate cowards

is it so hard to say i don't want to talk to you?

is it so hard to say dont call me

is it so immenssely difficult to just flat out say i don't even want to be friends?????



it must be because you would rather just never call me and ignore my emails

you would rather be indifferent to me when i call

it took allot of guts for me to call u

and even then you couldn't say it to me, you just let me hang up



have u talked to your bff latley, if not then exepect a call from her soon



the subject of this entry knows who they are and thats all i have to say

dreams can be wounderful or they can be night mares.



we can't chose when we dream or what we dream about.



lately i've been dreaming about 2 particular people and i wish it would stop



i jump through hoops to not think of them during the day but at night deep in my subconcios (sp)

they return



if anyone reading this knows how to stop it please message me and let me kno





i was terribly sick yesturday, had to call out of work and spent the whole day puking and sleeping. i'm not sure what brought it on but hopefully it wont come back



wednesday i spent the day at sesame place with my cousins 3 children (ages 6,4, and 1)



it was fun to c them so worked up over the characters



now i'm back to work, will probably be on later

bye

i wish i could get away

once i had somewhere to go but that haven is no more



it was a person more then a place

someone i could talk to and vent to and count on to hold me when everything became to much to handle



someone who would gently caress me and kiss away the tears



with him i always felt protected and safe



now i am vunerable and fragile and no one is there to shield me



what will be come of me?

not even i kno

i just wish to escape

i hate the screaming

it never stops

it never changes anything

and its never over anything vital



sometimes i wish i could scream

it happen's around me constanlty but i can't seem to add to the chorus

i've tried but no sound comes out

i must be defective



usually i just get upset

my eyes tear

my body tenses

my stomach cramps



but no one cares

somes i just wish the world was mute

or maybe just me being deaf would work just as well



anything to stop the incessent, ear splitting screaming

it was all lies



right from the start



he promised me that he had moved on that i was not the rebound girl



i was, for 2 years of my life he used me



told me he loved me



that he would never hurt me



well today he pushed to far



nothing i want is important because now she's back



back to steal his heart



and probably break it again but this time i don't care



he knows what she is



and he picked her



for two years i was weak

needing him



and loving him



now i pray for the strength to move on



the strength to move him out of my life and go it alone



please to what ever god my be listening take pity and help me find it in myself to move on because while he wants to cling to our "friendship" he has returned to her.



he never loved me, i was just some one to keep him busy until she returned. a mere distraction so he wouldn't feel the pain of loss. well i hope he wins her back and then leaves him feeling broken hearted and USED. BECAUSE THATS HOW I FEEL

do you ever feel like you just want to get up and go? like you wished you had no responsiblity's and could do what ever you want?



i've been feeling that way lately, theres nowhere in particular i want to go or run from. i was at work thinking that i hate my job and this fucking sucks b/c i'm going to be doing this line of work my whole life. i just got out of college and this is a crappy time to relize that i don't want to do what i went to school for. i have like 20 yrs worth of student loans to pay of and i hate my job.



oh well i'm going away this weekend and hopefully i'll come back with a new perspective