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I can't sleep. Too sick. I don't really think I'm going to make it much longer. Yesterday I went out boosting for medicines and herbs to make me feel better. NOTHING helps. I want so bad just to sleep but I'm sick in my dreams also. So there really is no escape.

So the cunt that lives next door has been causeing problems. We're going to have to get rid of our wolf. My best fucking friend, Ace the wonder dog... Tonight I'm wearing my new gas mask decked out all in black and vandalizing all her shit. LOL. Ace never did a damn thing to that wrinkled old bag. But anyways welcomed to house of the feces. Our room mates are GOOD people. Not only that but REALLY cool people. When I first came here I was depressed from the sickness and wouldn't eat for like 4 days. I fucking LOVE to eat... but marie wasy so nice to me I just kinda started eating again. So the reason its house of the feces is their little rat dogs. See I met the dogs and we LIKED them. But then we realized what the fuck that piss odor is... the fucking dogs aren't housebroken. Nor are they housebreakable. EVERY day as nausiated as I am I STEP in feces at least once a day. These dogs refuse to shit outside. The smell of the house makes me sick. Other than that its actually pretty nice here. FUCKING FECES EVERYWHERE. I half expect the dogs to start making feces art on the walls like my little sister used to do till she was like 11 years old. *shakes head* SIGH.

I dreamed I died ended up at the gates of heaven greeted by a man saint someone...

One day I'm going to wake up before everyone else and end this sickness and sadness. They just won't be able to find me. I'll walk out to the cemetary barefoot wrapped in my black blanket. I'll take some antifreeze ( I saw some in the room mates car) and a shot glass. I'll go across the road to the cemetary, the people who work there already know us and know that we're crazy. They won't think anything at all of it... maybe wonder why the usually nocturnal freaks are up at such an early hour thats all. And I'll walk into that big unlocked crypt they use as storage. I fucking hate that they stuff all that crap in there. I'll leave the doors cracked for light. I'll wrap in my blanket and take shot after shot of antifreeze. I'll enjoy the cold morning air until the whispers around me are clearer and clearer. Then maybe I won't be sick anymore. My lazy ass still hasn't found out how much antifreeze it takes to kill a human, not much I bet though. See I always wanted to just overdose on some high grade morphine. Crush it up and swallow it. The ONLY way to go... warm in bed in my husband's arms. But that would just make things bad for him. First of all the "athorities" would take the squish away from his daddy. Then he'd have to pay to dispose of my remains. I think of these things. Thats why I moved on to ideas that don't require biohazard recovery services. In other words I don't want to leave a big mess for other people to deal with.

I've been so sick all day today. I was able to eat a sandwich. The guys set the bathroom on fire and burned the tub. So now whenever I have to pee I choke and gag on the smell. I met one of the neighbors today. She came freaking out of her appartment screaming not to let my wolf pee on a tree. All he was doing was sniffing. All I can think about is nailing her wrinkled old ass to a tree and then setting it on fire while I roast hotdogs (which will make me VOMIT) and marshmellows (which will proably make me vomit). The burnt fleash smell actually won't bother me much. I don't want to be sick anymore.