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Thursday, January 18th was the four year anniversary of the death of my little brother Nicholas. He was only five years old when he died, and the way I have felt everyday since then is unexplainable. Yesterday. my older brother, Michael, was admitted into the hospital. They weren't sure that he was going to make it through the night. He is still pretty unsteady, screaming in pain despite the hourly dosages of morphine. I have never seen him in so much pain, and even if he has been worse, he has never shown it like he did today. Through all kinds of car accidents and working accidents, he always persevered strong and with high dignity. Today he felt so much shame. I think that made it all the more unbearable for him. Having to handle the pain he was going through physically, and the intake of pain from the hit to his pride. I don't talk to my brother very often. He is ten years older than me, and moved pretty far from my house with his girlfriend. However, things were very diffierent when I was younger. My parents got a divorce when I was four, and they both were unable to be found for more or less two years after that, and we were left alone. My brother was the one who always took care of me, and he even used to tel everyone I was his daughter whenever we would go to the mall or out with his friends. He used to tell me how adorable I was, and I think it was a touching move on the teenage punk ass girls we would run into when hanging around with his friends. I'll never forget how he would always introduce me as his daughter, I think he had more pride in being related to me than anyone else in my family. He was always so good to me. He promised me that he would be the one to give me away at my wedding. It makes me sad to think I allowed a gap to grow in between us, but today I realized through all this time, he hasn't forgotten how close we've always been. He cannot have any weight on top of his stomach. His intestines are completely inflamed, and he was suffering from the weight of a mere ice pack. Everyone was trying to talk to him, his girlfriend, mother, father, friends~and he kindly asked for them all to go away and to not touch him. Our father was infuriated by this, and he tried to tell me how meaningless this action was, I suppose to make himself feel better about it, but besides the fact that he repeatedly asked for me and wanted me with him at his side, he really proved that I still meant a lot to him. His body is so weak. and he hasn't been able to move; however at one point, I had to step away for a doctor to examine him, and he was in tears trying to handle them poking at him and trying to take in everything they were saying, and he extended out his arms. The doctor asked what he was doing, he replied, "I want my sister, RIGHT NOW!" As I approached, I immediately asked what I could get for him, and he told me to come to him. As I went to grab his hand he pulled me down and hugged me so tight. I was astonished at the fact that he could handle my weight on his fragile body, and he told me how much he loved me and I just kept assuring him that I wouldn't let anything happen to him and how this will all just go away soon like some kind of bad dream. He gave me a smile, and I relived all of the good times we've had together in an instant. I can't afford to lose someone else in my life, especially not another brother. For now, I suppose all I can do is hope.