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10:57 Apr 15 2009
Times Read: 677




Hate is not a word that is generally placed into my vocabulary. I am not generally a mean person, and being vindictive is not something I usually enjoy doing to someone that I care about. But tonight I decided that a man I care about deserved it. Let's just say that I have put up with a lot of his shit lately, and he decided to shove it in my face over the phone that he was dating one of his ex-girlfriends for the past two weeks. We just broke up a month ago, and when you claim that you love someone you just don't move on that fast. Well, long story short I told him that I had sex with a guy that my room mate introduced me to on my birthday. I thought maybe it would make me feel better after him hurting me with the thought of him being with someone else. Let's just say that it didn't make me feel any better, in fact being that vindictive with him actually made me feel worse. I do care for him, and in some aspects I am still very much love him, but having him tell me he was with someone else that fast hurt worse then having a knife shoved into my heart. I would rather he had killed me then shared this piece of information with me.

So I guess I want to know why I feel like the asshole in this situation? I'm stronger then I have been in the past 5 months, and I have a pretty level head on my shoulders, but no matter the shitty things we have been through, I find that hurting his feelings or hurting him period is not something that I want to do. He doesn't deserve it, and I know I hurt him badly by telling him I slept with another guy. Let's just say I know I was lacking in maturity by telling him that, but I did (at that precise moment) want him to hurt as bad as he had just hurt me.

Anyone have any advice? I'm confused as hell on what I should be thinking of this situation.

This whole situation sucks.