Last night I dreamed about this Jappness girl (which I love the girl from china, japan....etc...)
I dreamed we meet in the shadows of an old street, she was so pretty she wore a kimono... and had her hair up in two buns w/ chop sticks in her hair (~sexy~).
Well....she looked @ me and I looked @ her... she smiled softly @ me, all i could do there was to do was look @ her sexyness.
She walked over to me reveling her slinder form and kissed me .
I stared @ her in shock i did'nt expect it, well she stared to kiss me why I stode there in a daze, untill she got to my neck she stopped and looked A me and smiled I looked at her, she dived her head onto my neck and i felt fangs go into my neck i could feel my blood slide down my body....I could feel my life slipping away and with my last breath of a mortal I looked @ her and kissed her back.
(before I woke up) I rember us flying away hand in hand into the night lit sky (i know to go to be true eh?)
Some were in the fucked up world I know there is someone out there who i can trust, someone i can call a "friend" but; all the ones I swear are w/ me till the end.......lie to me......i fear that soon i will refuse anyone and everyone becuze of the hell i've been thru.....
I wonder.......is it possible for me to leave alone? I want to be able to feel the feeling of trust again but; all the ones i in~intrust w/ it wind up being the hell....that i did'nt expect.
Can i be"? is it possible? immpossible!? do i dare say that the only thing that lies instore for me is pain?
I wanna be able to be the fun wiccan i used to be (I used to PaRtY like crazy alwayz came home drunk) but; i woke up from that dream to relize the hell i am in so......i quit the wild wayz.......but; everyone misses it (thankx Jess you were the one who did thiz to me, i used to be wild.....) u wait i'll find someone who will be fun (party....othere fun stuff)
About the drinking I NEVER drink beer!!!NeVeR i see were it got my dad so No!!!!!!!! but wine :) I can drink like it was water :)
My mind is torn from the inside out..... i hate the world...for the world hates me.....I've had my heart ripped into millions of pieces and i can't find anyone to repair this broken heart of mine.. my family looks upon as though I am some god damn freak.....i've tried to be nice...i've tried to cope w/ the world.....h8ing me so dear..... but; its kIlLiNg...me.....its sufucating who i am on the inside and who i want to be.......
Bells...of untold horrors ring in my ears....makeing me want, and need....the darkness even more.....soon the darkness of hell & horror will be all i know or care about... i want to feel the passion i've lost again...i wanna be able to smile @ the world who hates me so.. i wanna be able to feel...what mortal souls feel in the mind...i wanna be free...i want....what will never be......
Ima nothing but a crule joke here to fuck w/ the lifes of people who dispize me...but; if the darkness grips me tight...i'll never be able.... to hold love as i want to all i'll feel is the fires of Hell licking my face like rapid snakes.....my life is what i want back.....ima gothic...pagan.....and what ever the fuck eles...but; one thing i am not..is mortal......(by mortal i mean, the mortal feeling) i h8 the world for what it has done to me, for the hell it put me in..........i HATE it god dammit.... dammit to the bow's of the fire depths of HELL and fuck it.........you've fucked my mind...up...my emotions up...now cold hearted is a small fraction...of the ice...... that now denomantes over me *looks down and watches the darkness cover my body*
love is all i want to be able to feel again, the trust, the magic....of...lo...*the darkness covers whole body*
Everynight~ i have a strange dream...like i am someone else and not me> in it i watch from anothers eyes and see my self on a cross... burning i hear myself scream while blood pours from the heaven. I watch around me (in that other persons eyes) and see people burst into flames and there blood cover the streets in a dark red...an unnatural color.....its stange because i swear it is going to happen soon....i can feel it...deep in my black soul..... but; when ever i do the spell to recall it i go black and pass out.... could it be the gift of sight?
Everyday....i wake up, look in the mirror and expect my pain, my hate to just be a dream.. i stare deeply into my reflection, and; think about life ans ponder the thought "why am i here?".
My family is good to me but; behind my back i k now what they say, what everyone one say's about me> I want this all to be a dream an, illiusion of some hellish trick...... but; sadly it' isn't.
I close mine eyes and wonder how life would.. be if i was perfect (like this world) but i know i am NOT perfect... and i pray i could fly away to a place that will except me....in space is where i belong the only place no one can call it wrong... i do belong there i want to rise above this perfect world, for i am an inferfect person, but; the world is not ready to except that i am not perfect so......i hide myself behind a closed fence "i wanna be free be who i want to be" but; i know i can't i wanna be able to be FREE!! that is all i want is to be FREE....... be able to be.........me..........
My family is so.........strange.........I mean all the people are afraid of being alone...it's crazy i mean phyco!!! it's crazy.....my mom and my step-dad are rageing a war..... then yesterday..... my step-dad came back ttried to get my mom to leave me and my other brother (Dustin) and take er and the twin's (my other bothers who are 4)...........I h8 him so much..i hope he die's and goses back to his inbreeded family (yes!! it's all cuz's and cuz's @ his family NasTy)...... sometime's i know my mom would like to leave me but what she told my step-dad made my day "Erik maybe a little freaky but i'd leave u before i left my kid's)........I wanna be able... to relax w/o my step-dad and his mom there, his mom and me had a huge round. yelling all the word's (cu'z words) and flipping her off, she better be glad my mom went after her and kicked her ass, i would of killed her, no one call's me a gay ass hole, That gd bitch better never come around me, or i'll run her ass over (calm down*fan's self*) i get really worked up talking about that, CUZ I H8 THE BITCH!!!!!!!!!!! and her god damn son, i damn them all to the bow's of hell......... like i told my step-dad I AM GOD *evil laugh* i need to calm down...so i leave u *tosses a black rose on the ground and walks off*
The person i liked...... went after she found out i liked her and went after my best-friend.....dammit..... gd my luck runs badly but..... i hope the goddess makes it better... now laies i am single...and...looking..and if my friend (u know who) is redaing this rember; I kicked your ass when i was a white belt... now ima black belt i WILL fuck u up...friends dont do that..... ya were planning this all along damn ya both.. and for god sake your CuSINS!!!!!!!! NASTY
well i'll see ya both in hell
Today has been pretty boring....... lazy day....... sitting around....untill i logged on.....here... and stuff got a little spiced up *rolls chair back* lol... well there aint alot to say
I think i have found the one i really like..... and i think they are fo me... but i dunno.... oh hell i dunno.... if u have any hints fo me plz tell me .... lol..... *burns end of paper so no one can read it* zorry..
HE>LLO people...... i wish to THANK everyone... NOT really -lol- (being mean sorry) i am reall y happy and exited and i dunnno why or really care... lol...... well sorry to run short school work calls (lol me....school...lol)
Well.... i have a sortive high school crush on someone but the problem is.......well i dunno.. i truly just don't know how to tell em...or ask them. really i do...but *wispers* "i think she h8's me" but i dunno... i truly just dunno
marion, today well.. it's close to the weekend and thank you god!!! for that..... well.... the army comes today. (I really don't think we should have went to Iraq) if i was president i would invite the leader of Iraq over here... and give him drugs, beer...etc.... and he would be like "Dont bomb America good drugs!!!" lol but sadly i am not the president (Bush is:(...) i am NOT a bush fan...i seriously dont like him i H8 him..... but well....we got a couple of mins... before i go well... SEEYA
Well hopefully me and that gurl (the gothic one) will work stuff out...if u're reading this "I am sorry" but......I have alot if sh** on me.....J..... and I am sorry if u dont forgive me i understand... i think... nah! i dont understand if you dont forgive me......plz do if not i dunno what i'll do i'll go crazy -lol- g2g
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