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...these words: I'm sorry.



And you know, sometimes I don't even know why.



Perhaps it's the old school Italian upbringing and the Roman Catholic history that makes me feel guilt to an extreme.



Maybe it's because at a young age I learned the meaning of responsibility and can own up to my own shortcomings.



Maybe it's because I truly feel, deep inside of me, that I really am to blame for... bad things. Things that someone needs to apologize for.



Maybe I have just always felt... I'm simply not a good person, and somehow I need to make amends for my very existence.



I get frustrated with myself for this... if someone seems to be hurting, whether it's my doing or not, those are the first words that come to mind...



"I'm sorry."



Maybe I just want the best for people I care about and know, it's out of my power to offer it to them...



...I am just a man.



Just one man.



Just me.



I'm doing the best I can.



Maybe I realize... that in itself will never... ever... be enough.



...sorry.

...I ordered a new camera. I haven't done any "professional" photography since high school.... I miss having an high-end camera, so I decided to spoil myself and buy one of the new Nikon's with all the bells & whistles, and the multiple lens package....



But the kit is still.. STILL.. on backorder with Nikon.... grrrrrr....



Stupid, lousy....

....just common battery lead.



I know that wasn't the point. But.. sadly, it's true.

...a million and one, I think. They're bouncing around the inside of my head like ping-pong balls set loose in a vibrating sphere.



The loudest one keeps resonating... "what exactly do I have to do?"



This is my life... I'm trying to change things. Things I haven't been happy with... yes, things that I should have tried to change a long time ago...



...but I've always been patient.. and hopeful. I've hoped things would change... without me forcing them to. Not out of laziness... but.. simply out of other people WANTING them to change because it should have been important.



But it wasn't important. Not to them.



Not important enough.



Not nearly as important as it was to me.



So now I have to force this change. My patience has worn thin. Yet, in my final act of extreme patience, I can't just make the change happen over-night. It has to be gradual, for everyone's sake.



For everyone's sake, including my own.



I want you to understand that. I want you to be patient with me...



It really is.. my only request of you.

Rule # 18:



Saying stupid stuff like "Having fun yet?" to someone who is working when you're not is needless, pointless and may result in whatever the person is working on being thrown at your head.



Be forewarned.

....I really need to be able to comment on your Journal directly to it.



I wonder if Cancer will give me that option if I ask nicely?



It's too damn funny, and meaningful to me to not let you know how much I enjoy every entry!



Thank you!



Off to ask Cancer for that option.. I should be making his journal of "stupid VR users" shortly...

...today I'm going through the pain-staking task of sorting resumes submitted for the positions my company currently has open.



My choices are people with limited experience and some education, or people with no experience and limited education.



My cup runneth over....