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YourPerfectNightmare's Journal



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5 entries this month

 

I have a broken mind!

03:46 Sep 22 2019
Times Read: 354


The fast few days, I have been busy with my little demon spawn but not just that, I have also been battling my thoughts. I am close to relapsing and I know I feel closer and closer. The Dr told me I will be okay.... He is not in my mind, I find myself more and more craving the afterlife and it looks more sweeter than ever to me now than before.

I feel so broken, no one can fix me, I know this. Many have tried with no success. One thing that makes these things easier is the fact of not having a family, I don't have a mom, a dad let alone anyone else. My child deserves better than what I can give, I feel I have failed not just being here but in everything in general.

I might add, I am not looking for attention as that is not my reason for writing this, I am simply writing my thoughts to see if this even somewhat helps. So please, if you are going to be negative, take it somewhere else as I wouldn't do said things to you so please do do it to me.

I am at a loss with the world and i feel too weak to fight anymore, I really feel so lost and the feeling I have inside really hurts. If you know the feeling of a broken heart, it is multiplied by 75%. I do thank everyone who was so kind to me, i thank you ever so much.


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Doru
Doru
02:53 Oct 16 2019

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

― Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy





 

mmmhmmm

11:07 Sep 20 2019
Times Read: 366


"Come on, say it again. I'm a perfect devil. Tell me how bad I am. It makes me feel so good!"


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Acts of kindness!

08:00 Sep 18 2019
Times Read: 390


Hey lovies, let me start by saying a smile can go a long way!

I am a person who always has and always will be against bullying, I have been bullied before and I could sit here and tell you my story till I am blue in the face. The situations I was put through led to some pretty bad consequences, multiple trips to the hospital, many psych-ward stays, on and off different meds to treat the severe depression it caused and many stitches and bandages. Twas not just the bullying that landed me these many hospital visits but I will stick to this one topic at hand.

I had girls pretend to apologize to me and tricked me into playing with them at recess just to hit on me and call me names, I fell for it every time. It got so bad to the point where I started to skip school and hide in the woods until school was over or I would explore the underground tunnels and stuff like that. Until one day my mom told me that the school was going to make her go to court for the many times I had skipped school. I was scared because I loved my mom more than anything in this world and she will always be my hero, even though she has passed, it will never change!

I started going back to school and doing my best as I was a straight A+ student, that gave the girls something else to bully me about, calling me a teachers pet, pushing me into the wall, throwing my notebooks in the garbage ect.. All because I always did my work and got good grades because I was scared they would take my mom away from me. I didn't want to tell my mom because I knew she would worry so much and she was already not in the best of health so I kept it all in and I would hide in my room and self harm to make the emotional pain go away, then I would cry myself to sleep with my radio on so my mom wouldn't hear me.

There is a reason I am telling this and I will get to it in a moment but this all goes together, you will see. Also, I am not looking for sympathy, attention or anything along them lines as I have no need for any kind of attention.Think of this as more of an awareness kind of thing.

Anyway, the bullying got so bad to the point where it mixed with everything else I was dealing with at home (which was more worse than the bullying, but it adds up)! I ended up in a hospital for a little over a month. A lot more has happened with in the time frame from then to when I finally hit 18 but I wouldn't want to bore anyone.

So from all this I learned that if you see someone as you are out and about, just know a smile goes a long way. Maybe they will return it, maybe it lets them know "hey, that person noticed me, maybe i'm not invisible after all"! Maybe a small hello or lend a listening ear, or engage in a small conversation, or what have you. Let people know that there are people out there that do care despite the fact that you don't know each other and that they are not alone. It will show that there are still kind people in the world. I mean, we don't know what someone is going through in life. They could be going through something traumatic or difficult life situations. Who knows they could also end up being your closet friend, we never know.

I also say this because I wish this would have happened to me, just that one person would have made a world of a difference. I am sorry if this is long, I got lost in the memories of the past as I was writing this. I will say it did make me stronger, although I do relapse from time to time but I am doing better than I was then. Still a work in progress.

If you made it this far thank you, I really mean that and please to anyone, no negativity. I don't disrespect you nor anyone else nor will I and I just ask for the same respect in return.

XOXOXOXO
Maddie


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SinfulMelody
SinfulMelody
12:14 Sep 18 2019

well written maddie and I agree... I have been through similar stuff and oppose bullying just like you.... a simple smile might seem simple for the person giving it... but it certainly helps the receiver.... so glad you took this up... and I am truly sorry bout your past.... I know how you feel... also, if you ever need to talk to someone, you can always hit me up :)





hannahrose
hannahrose
10:41 Sep 19 2019





i am here for you anytime you need me and i am so very sorry you have been bullied.




YourPerfectNightmare
YourPerfectNightmare
11:01 Sep 20 2019

You guys have been so amazing to me and I am truly ever so greatful!
XOXO





 

Secret Hate.

01:07 Sep 18 2019
Times Read: 408


The hate I feel for you is hidden deep within, my patience for you is wearing very thin.

You laugh in my face when I revealed my nature, leaves me wishing karma will will deal with you sooner than later.

I tried so hard to stand by you and make things right, yet it leaves me feeling more harsh feelings inside that I have to fight.

You don't care about anyone but yourself, I had swept up my broken pieces, put them in a box put back up on the dusty shelf.

I can't cry because I am all out of tears, I should have never trusted you telling you my deepest fears.

So here I sit by your side, I tell you I love you but inside I know it is all just a deeply wounded lie.

You laugh at me and doubt every move I make, you are mean to those around you and I don't know how much more I can take, you merely don't care, you don't want to do anything unless it benefits yourself and take your anger out on a child whom can't even defend them self.

You think all is fine and dandy again, what you fail to realize is you have awaken the evil within.
So what happens next depends on you, as I sit back and wait whilst secretly whispering "i hate you"!

**Writers notes**
I don't normally go about my personal life but maybe someone is going through the same thing and if so maybe this will reassure you that you are not alone and I am a pretty respectful person so rest assured I will never pass judgement for who am I to judge?


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TheHaunted
TheHaunted
02:29 Sep 18 2019

Sometimes writing about personal stuff also helps the writer handle and deal with the things that are being written..

very nice





 

I am indeed most sorry.

21:31 Sep 16 2019
Times Read: 420


I feel I must apologize for my leave of absence to those whom had tried to reach me. I was off in my own world daydreaming of days I wish to come or days as I wish was my reality as we speak. I often find myself off in a world completely different then the one I live in as it makes me feel some sort of way. My reality is not what I wish it to be nor is changing such thing an option. I only wish to have such places available yet whereas I am, everything is rubbish. Please forgive me as I am just rambling on and most certainly nothing of importance. I enjoy being here in this Rave for I can be myself as well as feel a certain happiness as I don't find said happiness where I am at in this current moment. If only there was an absolution.. I must bid you all a farewell and I hope you all have a delighted evening.

Much love and respect:
Maddie Delvecchio


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